For weeks I'd been receiving emails from The Prince of Darkness with very enticing deals. I have to admit, there was a time when I would have jumped at chance to hand over my soul in exchange for excessive wealth and fame. But these things just aren't as important to me as when I was younger.

Some of the offers seemed a bit silly. Here's one of the headers from an email I received about a month ago:

Sell your soul and receive 12 CDs for the price of one, plus shipping costs!

Lame, lame, lame! Who buys CDs these days, anyway? We all just download are music from the internet for free through a variety of file sharing software. Step into the 21st century, will ya? At best, he could have offered a generous gift certificate for Itunes. I sent him a strongly worded reply, telling him just what I thought of his deal:

Dear Satan:

Crazy! Everyone gets their music electronically these days. Have you ever heard of an Ipod? I thought not. Hire a new PR man. And btw, I went down this raod with BMG Music many years ago. The shipping charges per musical selection are just outrageous. You can't fool me!

To my surprise I got an email back Satan himself. He apologized for wasting my time -- yada, yada, yada! What really blew me away was his request to have dinner with me and talk over a few ideas. It seems he really valued my input. Well, I was extremely suspicious, but was just too intrigued to say no. We made a date for the the upcoming weekend at a little Italian spot I frequent about an hour from my house. We set the time for 1:00 PM Saturday afternoon. I was right on time, but Satan was already seated and sipping a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. Somehow, I always figured he'd be more of a Bourbon on the rocks sort of fella.

"Welcome! he said, standing up to shake my hand. "I've taken the liberty of ordering us a bottle of wine. I hope it meets with your approval."

Weird. The human form he chose kind of puzzled me -- at first, anyway. He was fairly short, plain looking guy with an average build, and short, dark hair that was thinning out in the front. The only explanation I can come up with is that he wanted to look as unassuming an non threatening as possible.
I sat down and Satan poured some wine into my glass.

"How's the Italian food in this restaurant?" he asked.

As I took a sip of my wine, I pointed my finger at him as a grin came upon my face

"Godfather, Part One!" I laughed. "It's good. Try the veal, it's the best in the city."

"Yes, yes!" he laughed back, clapping his hands together. "That was one of my favorite scenes."

We talked about movies for a good fifteen minutes before he got serious. He told me the email promotion was just a gag. I said I felt quite embarrassed. At that moment, he waved his hand and the entire restaurant became engulfed in flames, except for our table. Blood curdling cries cries of absolute agony filled the air as the smell of roasting human flesh began to fill my olfactory gland. Satan's voice became more volumnous, as he roared with laughter. All the while, we sat in the coolness of an air conditioned establishment.
When all the people, and our surroundings, were reduced to ashes and cinder, he filled my wine glass to the top, then his, as I sat sobbing at the horror of what I had just witnessed. Satan sipped his wine calmly, as he handed me a sheet of paper with carbon underneath.

"Sign here, and all this never happened. Don't sign, walk out of here, and these people shall remain dead."

The first thought that came to mind was this was all just an illusion; that whether I signed or not, it never happened. Of course, I couldn't take that chance and live with these lives on my conscience for the rest of my days. I signed on the X at the bottom of the sheet. Also guaranteed in the contract was a rich, long life, with the end finally coming at the ripe old age of 97. Well, that was nice of him, anyway.

Let my tale be a waring to everyone who reads it: Do not respond to Satan's emails -- EVER! Once he draws you in with his disarming charm, and irreverent wit, you're finished! The next thing you know, you're in the middle of a flesh searing conflagration. Don't make the mistake I made -- even if you are hungry for a batch of new CDs.