Step 1: In the Beginning
When you are 4 years old, discover that you love the family dog more than your sister. An alternative approach to this step is to decide that you want to be a dog, tiger, or giraffe when you grow up.
Step 2: Plan for the Future
When you discover in kindergarten that you will be expected to work for a living when you are an adult, decide that you want to become a veterinarian. Do NOT decide that you want to be a zookeeper at this point, as any rational adult will try to talk you out of it (reasons for this will follow).
Step 3: Practice, Practice, Practice
During elementary and junior high school, periodically tackle the family dog, cat, guinea pig, or parakeet and pretend to listen to their hearts with a stethoscope. This is a very important step because it will convince any watching parental units or other concerned adults that you are on your way to a well-paying career as a veterinarian.
Step 4: Education
Continue to divert suspicion from your true career intentions by taking all the science classes you can in high school, then applying to a college with a good “pre-vet” program. Take lots of classes in biology at college, and if you have succeeded in deluding yourself as well as your parents that you are going to be a vet, you will also need to take chemistry and physics (I think the reasoning for this is that MRIs and other medical gadgets are based on physics). Ideally, you should get good but not spectacular grades in all these subjects. If you ace everything, you may be forced to become a vet. A good C- in chemistry will really set you up to become a zookeeper.
Step 5: Experience
Getting a job as a zookeeper is a catch-22. To become a zookeeper, you must already be a zookeeper. Every zookeeping job requires experience. You have two options for getting experience: work for free, or pay to work.
The first option allows you to get zookeeping experience without paying a dime. Working for free is called an “internship”. You will learn to scoop poop, prepare diets, and physically restrain large, dangerous animals without any money coming out of your pocket. Of course, you still have to have another job to pay for living expenses, but that is still better than option two, in which you pay to work.
There are several community colleges that allow you to get an AA in zookeeping. You take a few classes, but basically, you are paying someone so that you can learn how to scoop poop, prepare diets, and physically restrain large, dangerous animals. There are two drawbacks to this method: you generally still have to go to another college to get your BA or BS, and you have to get another job to pay to work and cover living expenses. Often, you have to get two jobs.
Internships (working for free) are available at most zoos. Check their websites. The premiere “pay to work” option is Moorpark college. Moorpark is located in California, where living expenses are so outrageous that you may have to work three jobs. But at least the weather is nice.
Step 6: The Interview
Now, you can apply to zoos all over the country. Make sure to be very detailed about which animals’ poop you scooped. They like diversity. If you get an interview, make sure to never mention that you have “a way with animals” or that “animals just like me”. All interviewers for zookeeping positions just chuckle grimly and throw out your resume if you mention such nonsense. Emphasize that you are willing to work any day of the year, especially Christmas! Talk about how you really don’t mind being paid minimum wage, even though you have a bachelor’s degree and student loans to pay off. Be ready to answer questions like “What is a zoonotic disease, and how can you prevent it from spreading?” as well as the more typical “What is your greatest strength?” questions you might get from interviews for other jobs.
Step 7: Embark upon your Career as an Underpaid, Overworked, Manual Laborer/Philosopher
Zookeeping does not pay well (it is not atypical to be paid minimum wage, or just above it). It involves hard physical work that leaves you exhausted. You have to work holidays and weekends. People make comments to their children such as “See Jimmy, that’s why you should go to college so that you don’t have to have a job like that when you grow up” while you are scooping poop. You are expected to smile and be friendly to people that you don’t necessarily like. You may have to move across the country to get a low-paying job, since there aren’t nearly as many zoos as there are businesses that need executives.
However, it has its rewards. Your biggest wardrobe decision is khaki pants and navy blue polo shirt or khaki shorts and navy blue t-shirt. You might be able to expense your hiking boots. You love your animals. Your animals don't run away from you the way they do from the vet. And of course, you are at the forefront of a crusade to save the world. Endangered species depend on zookeepers to convince the world at large of their value. A big part of a keeper’s job is to share her knowledge about and passion for animals with members of her community. Saving the world? I think a little poop scooping is worth it.