We were sitting in bed talking when he handed me the gift. There was no box or gift wrap, he just handed me this thing, saying something about my birthday etc. It was a ring, but we both knew I didn't have to worry about the significance of it, all I had to worry about was how to thank him without showing my true reaction to the thing.

The stone was a great oblong mass of purple glass. On either side, naked women in garish plated gold lay languidly caressing the edges of the purple monstrosity. The whole thing weighed as much as three of my rings put together, and the stone was about half an inch long. In the dark, I pretended all of the really upsetting aspects of it didn't exist, and actually said, "I love it." I'm still not sure whether I should be proud of this statement or completely ashamed.

The point is, it was a birthday present, and it was hideous. To this day, I can't fathom the lapse in judgment that made him actually go into Jim the Jeweler's and point to it, saying "I can really see her wearing THAT."

It frightens me a little, I must admit.

Understand, now, I'm a reasonable person, but a little female part of me still jabs its pointy finger into my shoulder and whispers with a shiver of revolt, "Who must you be in his eyes to warrant that THING?"

Even some of the better presents make me wonder. I have a diamond heart pendant that the boy gave me. It's nice. More than nice, though, it is ubiquitous. Doesn't everyone have and wear a diamond heart pendant in silver of a modest size?

I guess I understand that the whole fashion/design thing sort of passes males by as they grow up in our demented culture. I guess I understand that men can't necessarily take one piece of jewelry and extrapolate the *style* onto a wider range of objects. This is sort of a problem. So, here is some advice that might completely fall on its behind. Try it anyway!

First, NOTICE when she says she likes something. I do this all the time: It's not a ploy to get the boy to buy it for me. It's just how I roll. If I like something, I usually stop, look harder, point it out. Then, remember what store it's in and go back there, even if the particular item is long gone. Especially if the store is a funkier, boutiquier place, it will likely have the same TYPE of stuff.

Second, realize that there are some broad categories that you should be aware of:

The first thing to be aware of is the gold-silver dichotomy. You can't wear gold and silver together, so go with one per gift, and be aware if your lady always wears one or the other.

Also, comment on the jewelry she already owns, and then listen. I wear two gold rings, but if you asked, I would tell you I prefer silver, and it's a fluke that I wear these rings all the time. I could also tell you exactly why I don't dislike my rings, even though I'm not wild about gold.

I think of jewelry in a few categories. There's classic jewelry that's made of metal and precious stones, and that's it. Then there is beaded jewelry and funky semi-precious stones. This includes boho stuff and trendy stuff like the huge beads people have been wearing, as well as the more 'ethnic' or handmade stuff.

It is worth thinking about jewelry because a lot of the time, the pair of earrings that becomes a favorite costs about an eighth of what you might end up spending on diamonds. There are other stones out there! I have a beautiful ring from a very good jewelry maker's private studio that just has a moonstone in it, but the design is beautiful and it is one of my favorite pieces of jewelry.

You can also pay attention to the colors your woman has been wearing and use those. I had a brown period a couple years ago, during which I was obsessed with amber. It's not like it was a big secret. I would say things like, "Brown is the new black," and other such annoying quips.

Just try thinking about it for a week before you buy your woman jewelry, and make a note of it whenever she makes a comment that you think is revealing.

Don't make the mistake of bringing in one of her girlfriends to help unless you're sure that the girlfriends share taste. I will here cite the Sex and the CIty episode where Charlotte helps Aidan pick out Carrie's engagement ring, and she HATES it.

In this way, it is actually good that you have no defined personal taste in jewelry, because this means you can focus your attention on picking up on hers without your own clouding your vision.

Basically, I'm telling you to think about it for a week. While I don't know exactly how the boy decided that I would want to wear the Mt. Nude on my finger on a regular basis, I am pretty sure he didn't go home and think about it before purchasing it. My best advice is to take your time. It's the best gift you can give a girl.