How to Live Guilt-Free: A Tribute to Al Gore & Carbon Offsets

After giving it much thought, I have decided to live a completely neutral lifestyle. It isn’t so much my belief that humans are destroying the planet that has made me arrive at this decision as it is my own little way of doing anything I want, and doing it entirely guilt-free. I’ve seen how many people are applauded for offsetting their carbon footprints and I just want to be part of the show. I want to be revered and fawned over by Hollywood and the media, just like Al Gore. Anyone can learn how to live this neutral existence by simply following my example.

First off, I’m going to emulate Gore with my energy exploitation. I will need to start using about 20 times my daily consumption inside my home, buy a large SUV, and travel mostly by private jet. Normally this would not be good for the environment, but since Gore is authoritative on climate change and my energy use will mimic his, it must be perfectly acceptable.

When I reach my energy consumption target, I will begin to purchase carbon credits so that I will never need to reduce my usage. Once this is accomplished, I will most likely be invited to tour the world with Al Gore on his private jet, and perhaps give speeches in undeveloped nations in which we inform them that they should not become industrialized and achieve a higher quality of life for their citizens. We would do this in order to save the planet for future generations.

Unlike Gore, however, I will take my neutrality several steps further.

To reduce my libido footprint, I will purchase sex credits from the Abstinence Clearinghouse. This will allow me to continue my current expenditure of sexual energy. I will give them a monthly donation which can be used for abstinence programs around the country. An alternative libido offset, other than donating to the Abstinence Clearinghouse, may involve contributions to regional Trekkie conventions.

For my grocery footprint, I will purchase omnivore credits from IMG New York, the top-ranked international modeling agency. Their supermodels include Gisele Bundchen, Tyra Banks, Rebecca Romijn, and Heidi Klum. Except for Tyra Banks’ apparently food-induced, recent weight gain, I can’t imagine most of their models eating much. So I will pay IMG so that I can gobble as much food as I want, and of course, be consequence-free. They can use this money from my grocery offsets to tell teenage girls that “thin is in”, thus allowing food provisions to be stretched among a larger population for many years to come.

Since I’ve already served in the Armed Forces, I feel the need to reduce my military footprint. This provides countless options for purchasing defense credits. I haven’t settled on one in particular, but possible organizations include Code Pink, Moveon.org, the Agape Foundation, and of course, the Democrat Party. With the number of anti-military members and general practices of cowardice, I think any one of these groups would do more than enough to offset my military footprint as well as the footprints of every Armed Forces veteran throughout the history of our nation.

Being as brilliant as I am, it wouldn’t be right to not offset my intellectual footprint. This is an easy fix. I will simply pay more property taxes in the form of knowledge credits so the local public school district will benefit. Since our public education system has been forfeiting its obligation to properly educate our children for several decades, it is safe for me to assume that more uneducated, foolish sycophants will be graduating from these schools than sophisticated, free-thinking individuals. These intellectual offsets may provide enough money for every school to purchase several copies of the movie An Inconvenient Truth, and show it mercilessly to the unwitting students.

Or I can just offset my intelligence by paying to see practically any Hollywood production.

Water credits will be needed to offset my water footprint. I’ve given this one some thought. It’s hard to come by an organization that doesn’t use much water as it is vital to all forms of life. However, I was able to find a few organizations that I imagine would use smaller quantities of water. I will purchase my water credits from either Earthaven, EarthFirst!, or The Ruckus Society. All three are considered to be radical environmentalist groups and Earthaven has their own little community in North Carolina where you can be one with nature. By my best judgment, showering may be optional for many of these people.

While we are on the subject of liquids, I’ll address my alcohol footprint. This one is a little complicated. Since my college days have passed, drinking is no longer an every day overindulging experience. However, I do still drink occasionally, and every now and then I drink more than I probably should. Offsetting my alcohol footprint can be a very delicate process. This will require a careful balance between purchasing beer credits from Alcoholics Anonymous and selling sobriety credits to Ted Kennedy.

This made me think about another aspect of offsetting my lifestyle. Since I’ll be purchasing so many credits, I’ll need to compensate for my spending. Although I’m sure I’ll be selling plenty of sobriety credits to Ted Kennedy, I will need a back-up plan in case of a tragedy, such as his car careening off the road into a shallow body of water. So, I can also offer various credits to be purchased from me to offset the habits of others.

Anti-gun advocates who would like to continue pushing for more legislation to restrict our 2nd Amendment rights can purchase credits from me and I will be more than happy to purchase more firearms.

Vegetarians can buy credits from me and I will blissfully increase my consumption of ribs and steaks.

There are so many possibilities and this list could go on and on, but the point is very simple. We can all live a neutral lifestyle, just like Al Gore, without actually stopping or reducing our harmful behavior. We can continue to pollute and infect our bodies, our society, and our environment without any remorse or consequences by simply offsetting our actions. As long as we maintain equilibrium in our collective lives we cannot go wrong.

This will revolutionize the way we create new legislation and enforce our existing laws. Lawmakers can focus on the balance that exists in the natural world when deciding on penalties for violations and whether or not an offset can make up for the crime. We have shifted into a new phase of enlightenment that far exceeds any previous attempt to maintain global stability, and the best part is, everyone gets to feel like they really matter.

It couldn’t have been done without you, Mr. Gore!

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