I realize that intelligence-gathering tools like wiretaps are needed in the war on terror, but if we, as Americans, don’t stand up to the government’s assault on civil liberties, there is a good chance that we could lose important freedoms, such as our Constitutional right to yell at toilets.

I bring this up based on story from the Times-Tribune of Scranton, Pa., where a woman named Dawn Herb is facing up to 90 days in jail after being arrested for disorderly conduct. The situation started when the toilet in her house began overflowing. Cool and calm in a crisis, Dawn did the first thing that plumbing experts recommend in such a situation, which is to stand there and scream curse words at the toilet. After all, it WAS the toilet’s fault, and frankly, it should have known better.

Because Dawn’s windows were open, irked neighbors heard the loud swearing and called authorities, who took down statements from several witnesses, including a severely traumatized Tidy Bowl Man.

Although she admits to some colorful language, this princess of porcelain profanity is outraged by her arrest. “It’s not like I was drunk,” Dawn said. This, to me, is a pretty weak defense, seeing as how her entire legal strategy rests on the assumption she was SOBER while screaming vulgarities at a plumbing fixture.

Obviously though, cursing at a commode does not solve anything. There are much better ways to solve problems, whether they be with toilets or people. In fact, the proper way to air grievances against someone or some company is to do so in a civil manner, wherein you calm down, analyze the situation responsibly, then vandalize their property with a hammer.

At least, that is the conflict-resolution method favored by a 75-year-old secretary from Virginia named Mona Shaw. According to an Associated Press story, Shaw set up an appointment with her local cable company, Comcast, to have one of those cable/Internet/phone packages installed in her home.

On the day of the appointment, as is custom in the cable business, the installer arrived at the house right on time.

Ha! Ha! That was a little joke. The installer actually skipped the appointment and arrived two days later. Upon which he worked for a while, then left Shaw’s house with the job only halfway completed. Two days after that fiasco — in a generous display of appreciation to a customer who had been wronged — Comcast cut off her service.
Because her phone was now cut off, Shaw had to drive down to the Comcast office to discuss the situation. Once there, someone in “customer service,” (and I use that term loosely), told her to wait outside while she fetched a manager.

At this point, you’d expect the company to immediately send a manager out to apologize and offer her a couple of months of free service for her troubles. This is what any friendly, well-run, service-oriented business would do.

Unfortunately, we’re talking about a CABLE COMPANY here, which meant that Shaw waited outside for two hours, after which the “customer service” person came out to inform her that the manager had left for the weekend.

After fuming over this insulting treatment all weekend, Shaw got up early the following Monday, grabbed a hammer, went back to the cable company’s office, and began shouting profanities at a toilet.

No, actually the newspaper story tells us that she barged into Comcast, went directly to the “customer service” rep, (the one who had been sooooo helpful before), and used the hammer to smash the rep’s phone into smithereens. Shaw is quoted in the story as saying: “I figured, ‘Hey, my telephone is screwed up, so is yours.’”

She was subsequently arrested and had a court date, upon which she was given: a three-month suspended sentence, a $345 fine, and The Congressional Medal of Honor.

Or at least, she should be. Her action has garnered national attention. Many are calling her the unlikely hero for millions of abused, ignored customers.

For her part, Shaw remains humble: “I’m just an old lady who got mad. I had a hissy fit.”

Still, that’s no excuse. Just because she was upset with her cable company doesn’t mean she should have smashed their phone with a hammer, especially considering that mallets are much more effective. Um, no, wait. What I meant to say is that disputes with people should be solved diplomatically. Don’t vandalize their property.

Remain calm, and cordial to everyone. And whatever you do, don’t approach a customer service rep and start screaming profanities at them.

Save it for the toilet.