THE TWELVE DAYS OF THANKSGIVING

On the First Day.....
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day.....
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day.....
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day.....
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day.....
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day.....
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day.....
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day.....
The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day.....
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day.....
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day.....
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day.....
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says, "Amen!"

THANKSGIVING FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

THE NAUGHTY YOUNG TURKEY

What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?

If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

THE BOY WITH THE WILD TURKEY

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”

The boy replied, “What turkey?”

The game warden said, “That turkey you're carrying under your arm.”

The boy looks down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”

The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to yo u - If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”

The little boy answered, “I guess I'll just kiss his fanny and let him go!”

A THANKSGIVING POEM

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,

…And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!

“WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR” SCHOOL COMPOSITION

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

THE DRAMATIC TURKEY

What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

“To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.”

THE FOOTBALL-PLAYING TURKEY

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

THE FLYING THANKSGIVING TURKEY

The turkey shot out of the oven,
And rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table,
And partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner,
And burst with a deafening boom.
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows.
It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance.
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it.
That turkey was out of control!

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been popped.

THANKSGIVING RIDDLE – “KEY”

What key has legs and can't open doors?

A Turkey.

MAY FLOWERS

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

PILGRIMS TODAY

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Their AGE

TURKEYS CAN’T GO TO CHURCH

Why can't you take a turkey to church?

Because they use such FOWL language

FEATHERS ON THE TURKEY

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?

Turkey feathers

TURKEY JUMP

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Yes - a building can't jump at all

TURKEY + OCTOPUS

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

Enough drumsticks for everyone in the family on Thanksgiving

PILGRIM MUSIC

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

Plymouth Rock

MORE TURKEY FEATHERS

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The outside

A TURKEY IN THE BAND

Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Because he had the drumsticks

THE TURKEY GETS ARRESTED

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected it of fowl play

THE KEY TO A GREAT THANKSGIVING DINNER

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?

The turKEY

TURKEY’S LAST WORDS

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?

“Boy! I'm stuffed!”

PILGRIM HUNT

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

He had an “arrow” escape

YOUR PATRIOTIC THANKSGIVING DUTY

Michael Dresser in his Baltimore Sun Paper's wine column, Vintage Point, writing about the difficulty of recommending wine for Thanksgiving dinner writes:- “Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast - the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. (In France, by contrast there are
three such days: Heir, Aujourd'hui and Demain.)”

BAD GRADES

Why did Johnny get such low grades after Thanksgiving?

Because everything is marked down after the holidays

TURKEY IN A FIGHT

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him

SPACE TURKEY

What sound does a space turkey make?

“Hubble, hubble, hubble”

BLACK NOVEMBER

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of.....Black November:

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin."

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink."

"And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.

I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the whole compound.

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And said to herself, “Christmas is coming.”

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?

What kind of vegetable would you like tonight?

Beets me

GOLD SOUP

How do you make gold soup?

Just throw in fourteen carrots (carats)

TURKEY TONGUE TWISTER

The two toed turkey towed twelve times ten talking turtles.

How many talking turtles did the two toed turkey tow?

‘TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned,the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all! Pass the cranberries, please!

LITTLE BRUNO

Little Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.

"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.

"That's cool!" Bruno said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"

Signs You're Going To Have A White Trash Tranksgiving

- Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

- Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

- Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.

- Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

- Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

- Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

- Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

- Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

- 13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad.

- Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some of his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.