I Bug Your Pardon

You’ll have to excuse me if I’m a little giddy today. I’ve just received some unbelievably exciting news : a new species of cricket has been discovered.

According to a recent Associated Press story, the new genus of cricket was found on the Arizona-Utah line. Its discovery has entomologists, (guys who are waaaay too interested in bugs), more excited than Rosie O’Donnel at a buffet line. This type of cricket is special, because apparently it has, “pinchers on its hind end.” Entomologists however, aren’t sure what purpose the pinchers serve. So like the mysteries of Amelia Earhart and the lost city of Atlantis, Americans will go to bed tonight, still not knowing the answer to the constantly burning question: “Why do crickets have pinchers on their butt?”

The cricket was discovered by Kyle Voyles, who, among other positions, is “...a state of Arizona cave coordinator...” I’m not exactly sure what the position of “cave coordinator” entails, but it kind of sounds like it’s an interior decorator for caves. I picture one of the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” hosts strutting around a cave, showing Mr. And Mrs. Caveman how they can improve their cave’s appearance:

Cave Coordinator: Let’s see. Hmmm. We’ll put a fire pit in the middle here, then maybe some petroglyphs on the wall. It’ll look fabulous!

Voyles, who is currently basking in the glow of fame and fighting off the numerous groupies who routinely chase after cricket-finders, also had recently discovered four other types of previously unknown crickets, all of which he immediately squashed and threw into the toilet.

Of course I’m kidding. That is what a normal person would do when finding a cricket. But entomologists are not normal. At college, while you were at parties drinking beer and helping friends lose their damage deposit, the entomology students were downstairs in the basement, giving each other high-fives when spotting a colony of 10,000 cockroaches.

As further proof: Mr. Voyles is quoted as saying: “...finding a new genus is beyond my wildest dream.” I’m sorry, but finding a cricket is NOT the “wildest dream” of a normal guy. This, my friends, is a normal guy’s “wildest dream:”

Normal Guy: (While watching the Broncos win the Super Bowl) “Thank you for the back rub Ms. Zeta-Jones.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones: “You’re welcome. Oh, and just as soon as she is done washing your car, Pamela Anderson will come back inside and get you another beer.”

So since there are entomologists out there saving crickets, and openly bragging about pinchers on their rear ends, (the crickets’ rear ends, not the entomologists), the job of bug extermination lies in our hands. And like most of you, my wife and I aren’t big fans of the bug-especially my wife. Whenever a cockroach is spotted in our house, there is a lot of girly screaming and yelling and crying. And my wife is even worse.

After awhile however, I will overcome my fear, and come to the natural conclusion that - other than the risk of catching the hantavirus, West Nile, and Asian Bird Flu - there is no reason to fear a bug. Besides, I am the man of the house. It’s my job. Sure, I may not have the testosterone level of a Tour de France winner, but I have the male hunting gene, and I have seen all of Chuck Norris’s movies. So, approaching the bug from a safe distance, I will spray the insect with 9 full cans of Raid, upon which, I will pick it up with the help of 247 paper towels. Then, while holding the bug with the paper towels, I will proceed to the final and most important step of insect killing, which is: trying to scare my wife with it. (Note to husbands: Even though scaring your spouse with a dead bug can be funny even after the 67th time, wives do not consider this to be amusing -at least that’s what my marriage counselor keeps telling me).

Looking back on all of the bugs I have killed does fill me with some regret however. Perhaps I accidently killed a rare species of cricket? Maybe, somewhere along the line, I ruthlessly killed a bug that had pinchers on it’s butt? Sure, bugs are annoying, but not nearly as annoying as that creepy guy from the Verizon Wireless commercials. And we wouldn’t spray 9 cans of Raid on him. Right?...Right everyone?... I said RIGHT everyone? Okay, don’t answer that. But maybe we should develop a greater appreciation towards our insect friends. I think I will drive out to caves along the Arizona/Utah border. Maybe I’ll discover this “wildest dream.” Maybe I’ll meet some entomologists and find out what makes them “tick”. (Rimshot). I will try to determine what this fascination with bugs is all about. I’ll drive out there today.

Just as soon as Pamela Anderson finishes washing my car.