There was a time when I use to stab people who seemed "stabbable" and kick or hit people who seemed "hittable." Somehow it gave me great amusement to see their reactions, especially if they run when they saw me. I used it to my advantage sometimes to keep people my friends didn't like away from them. I was protective of them, and others, and I liked having the ability to be able to.

I was very young then and very different now. I was not sure what happened though. All my violent energy and aggressiveness is gone. I'm very calm, awkward and, I guess, scared now. I never truly realized how much changed until people started telling me that I wasn't scary at all. At that point, I felt confused. How should I act then? What is 'me'? What am I?

Many people have said I should be "meaner" but I never really understood why I should until a talk with a friend. He said I should defend myself more and to just not care. I wasn't sure how those things related to each other until he actually purposefully tried to make me angry. I'm not the type to be angry long or much at all but I was confused when I had a hard time speaking up for myself. He said I was too kind since I told him how I hated the worried looks on my family's (or anyone's) faces when I told them anything. So he kept pushing me to curse him out. I didn't know why the words were so hard to say. He kept saying things he knew I didn't like and I could feel myself becoming violent. Yet, the words were still hard to say. Though I wish he was there so I could hit him (we were on the phone), I was confused on why I couldn't just tell him to "shut up" (with feeling). At some point, I was able to curse him out...but barely. He stopped and told me in his most gentle voice, "Stand up for yourself more, okay?" I still felt a bit violent but I understood a bit and was grateful for his kindness.

Still, after that, it was still hard. I didn't know when I should've said something and when I shouldn't. Why was it so hard? How was I able to be so violent back then and be the complete opposite now? I was never really aware until that talk but now, I was more confused than ever.

Then last night, I talked to my sister. It was about a different subject though but it led to one of our many deepest conversations. It was a very important one. This was when I really understood what my friend really meant.

It basically started with me asking how my sister feels when she talks back to my parents. I rarely do that but I did that night I was trying to make cookies. My mom has a tendency to interfere when I try anything in the kitchen (well, in general). For some reason, what she says hurts though. It sounds like advice and I tell myself I should listen because she has more experience in cooking and stuff, but...why does her words hurt? Well, when it came to making cookies, I knew she was wrong yet some part of me listens to her still. I did my research on what ingredients do and things to know about baking and ovens (which she never used) so the things she said didn't make sense. Why would she tell me it's "too much flour" or "it's not ready" when she only walked in in the middle of me mixing or baking? How can she know it's too much when she didn't even see how much I really put or what the recipe requires? How can she know they're not ready when she didn't even look in the oven (or even ever used the oven before)? Well, I still listened to her. I let them bake a little longer. I used the 3 different baking trays she wanted me to to save energy: a flat tray and two small rectangular trays used for cake or roasts. They were burnt in the end.

A part of me knew the ones on the bottom were done the moment she told me they weren't ready. A part of me knew I shouldn't have used all three of those since the heat might be blocked to the tray on top. Yet for some reason, I followed her word. When I found them burnt, I went to her and told her calmly that I'm not listening to her anymore (when it came to baking cookies). When she found out they burned, she got out of bed and tried washing the two trays that had burnt cookies (third was okay since it was on top). I was wondering why she was washing them when I'm the one responsible for cleaning since I'm the one baking. Still, the stains wouldn't leave the non stick trays. The whole while, she complained. "Why did you bake them for so long?" "Didn't you smell the burning?" "You shouldn't have used the three trays" "You should be more careful" "Why won't these stains come out, these are non stick trays"

At some point during her complaining, for the first time, I told her to shut up. The other times I've attempted to make cookies, I'd try to give her my reasons for this or that but she kept complaining and controlling, and I'd just break down. But this time, I was tired of it. I knew she was wrong. Why didn't I listen to myself? Why didn't I pay attention to the cookies? I couldn't really see the ones on the bottom and my smell isn't that good so I guess it's my fault they got burnt too. Still, why did I listen?

After that, she was quiet, went to do something then came back and complained a little still but not as much. When she went quiet, I thought to myself "Did I go too far?" When she still complained, I knew I didn't but why did I feel so...guilty? That's why I asked my sister how she felt.

She told me she thinks maybe it's my natural instinct to listen to a parent that I feel guilty. She said hers faded after all the dumb things my parents did and the fact she has other things in her life to keep things balanced. However, I've been isolated for years without other things to give me balance. I didn't know what's real and what to do because of that. I have no personal experience to connect to things, to believe in. This conversation led to many topics that I can't really explain now. But she didn't feel any satisfaction or guilt when talking back to our parents. It was just simply something she had to do to get her point across since they rarely listen.

The conversation led to how people have different types of knowledge. Experience, Intelligence, Wisdom and Knowledge. Or something like that. She said I only have a lot of one type, which is the type you get from observing and reading things. Not personal experience. She said that's why school is really important because of the environment, the ability to learn from others. Different factors.

I don't know if I'm making any sense but basically, everything is connected and I was missing a lot of it and it was understandable. Then the conversation led to embracing feelings and coping with loss. She told me how she learned to accept the fact she lost her "normal" childhood. She told me she embraced her feelings and asked herself questions everyday until she was able to truly accept. She said that's why she can kind of understand how I feel when it came to what happened to me back then.

She said I shouldn't fight my feelings. We feel because we are human and fighting them will most likely not solve anything. She said that's why she embraces her feelings. I didn't realize I was holding back until this talk. I didn't realize how much I was suppressing everything actually. I thought back to the cookies thing. How I never said anything because I trusted my mother's word. How I never want to cause problems to anyone. How I'm always afraid to mess up and cause trouble. I thought back to many situations. How I was afraid of making people uncomfortable. How I was afraid to worry anyone. How I was afraid to hurt anyone. How I was afraid of being rude. How I was afraid...

Then I realized 'Was this why I haven't been able to write? Was this why I haven't been feeling the creative energy at all?' It made sense. I didn't know how much I held back. I didn't know how much I really cared. I didn't know how much my fear affected me. I didn't know how much I've stopped expressing myself because I simply wanted to stop being depressed and seem happy for once. But really, I'm still depressed. I'm still hurt. I'm still traumatized. I just didn't want to be a black cloud in the middle of "normal" people anymore. Putting on a fake smile and brushing deep feelings away doesn't do any good though. It doesn't erase what I really feel. The only time it'll actually go away is when you accept it and I'm far from accepting.

And the only way to accept is to embrace. "Things get worse before they get better," my sister would say. I have to stop caring. I have to stop worrying about others and how I'd affect them. Otherwise, I'd always be that fake smile that's really crying inside. Why be something fake when you want reality? When you want people to accept who you REALLY are. How is that possible when you're not letting yourself be you? How would things get better when you hide all the time? How would you see and enjoy life for what it really is when you're too busy trying to fight your feelings, yourself?

At that point, somewhere in my mind, I felt a voice. 'Is it okay to let go now?' I felt like I could actually see the chains in my mind, that lock that was there, connecting to a million of them. And I could feel something waiting for my permission to unlock them all. I could not see past the chains but I could feel the gigantic pressure holding whatever it is back. I told it 'Yes, it's okay.' Now, slowly, the chains are unlocking, one by one. Some are harder to unlock than others, Gradually falling, disappearing...The only way I could let it keep going is by telling myself 'I don't care anymore' I will cry all I want. I will mourn all I want. I will complain all I want. I will yell all I want.

I don't want to hold back anymore. I want to suffer, accept and be free. Running or pushing the pain away is not accepting. You can't fight a flowing river as a rock. You can't fight life. You can only accept. I don't want to be afraid anymore. There may be many arguments and uncomfortable situations but I don't want to be afraid anymore. There may be a lot of conflict and sadness but I want things to be real. I want the truth. I want to find out who I really am so then I'll know who really accepts me. I want to know what I'm capable of. I want to live.
 

This article also featured in MJ Dakota's blog: I Am Infinite
Great blog about spiritual, emotional and mental balance!

Also check out mamathompsoni's enlightening article: Edgewalker's Journal: Who Do Stories Belong To?
Everyone has a story...