While I was at the gym, I was doing some decline chest-presses and staring at myself in the mirror, and the saying “I’ve got to get something off my chest” popped into my head. You know what that is? Meat-head soup. No, seriously, it’s stupid, but it happened; my subconscious must be part Ned Flanders. Shortly after Ned chimed in, my brain kicked in, and I began to think about the meaning of the saying. Let’s talk about that.

As I understand it, to get something of one’s chest means to relieve the pressure that something negative is creating on one’s mind. That is my scholarly definition for the saying; as you can see, I used the word “one” twice in defining it. At any rate, the pressure of having something negative on your mind involves some discomfort. If you’re using this saying, you’ve been experiencing mental discomfort. You’re not yourself; you can’t function normally; and you’re…Well, you’re uncomfortable.

The discomfort is exactly why I feel getting something off your chest does not exactly speak to the purpose for its use. Having to take a dump on the other hand, speaks directly to the discomfort.

Alright, lately, it would appear that all I think about is shit and shit related experiences, but that is not true. I think about sex too.

Getting back to what I was talking about, I’m not going to describe the feelings a person goes through when they are on the brink of taking a dump for a few reasons. First, I’m sure the sensations are a little different for everyone due to variations in diet. Second, since it’s something we do frequently we’re pretty familiar with it anyway. Lastly, it’s disgusting.

So, if it’s so disgusting, why am I bringing it up? Right? I’m giving the reason right now. The disgustingness is the reason…I think. Aside from puking, it’s the most disgusting thing a person can do naturally. It may even surpass puking on the grounds that it usually happens on a daily basis. Not to mention, regardless of whether it’s a natural bodily function, we’re all O.K. with it. How come you hear about people who are genuinely afraid of mayonnaise, but you don’t here about some one who is bothered by disgusting, foul material coming out of their ass…Unbelievable.

Holy tangents! For all the things I won’t say about shitting, I will say this, the longer you have to go, the more uncomfortable you become – just like having something on your mind. Therefore, when you have something that you’ve been meaning to tell someone or something you’ve been holding in, instead of saying I have to get something off of my chest, say, I have to get something out of my ass. I guarantee the person to whom you’re saying this will feel the gravity of what you’re about to say and will have an idea of what it’s been doing to you. Not to mention, you’ll have their undivided attention immediately.

O.K., time to go take care of some business if you know what I mean…