"I know a lot of adult things," my nine year old neice said to me with a giggle. Sadly, she does. Sometimes I think that I'm talking to a 40 year old woman who is so wise beyond her years and then it hit me how she got that way. At nine years old, she already knows that daddy is "sick" and will probably never get well, and that he lies and that he's caused a lot of anger and hurt for her tiny life. She reminds me so much of myself as a little girl. After all, I grew up with her daddy and I had to watch the start of his "sickness" as well as try to help him get better.

It's the strangest feeling in the world to look at my neice and see his face, but with a normal being growing up inside of her. Is it fair that her childhood has to be interrupted by him and what he wants to do with his life? Is it fair that she still thinks the world of him and just wants to hear his voice on the other end of the phone but rarely gets it? No, it's not fair. It's not fair that any adult in this world can have an adult conversation with my neice, stopping only to explain some words she hasn't learned in vocabulary class yet. Because of that, I want to hurt my brother for what he's done to her.

"She looks and acts just like you do, Kate. Please be with her for the rest of her life. She needs YOU in her life." Those were the last words I heard from my brother's mouth before I told hung up the phone that night. It wasn't a promise that I made to my drug addict brother. It was a promise that I made to my neice and to myself. She's brilliant in the way she laughs and makes me laugh. She's incredibly funny in the way she thinks she can actually walk into the diner wearing my high heels that are three sizes too big for her. She understands me more than I think anyone else has and I understand her.

I missed a few years of her life because it hurt me so much to keep watching my brother go down in flames. The first day I had my neice back in my life was draining to say the very least. Now, though, it's a different relationship. She's excited when I call, she plans things that we can do together even when we don't have plans. She asks me if I'm all right even though I'm faking a smile. She asks me questions about her father and I do my best to answer them and tell her stories and show her pictures of when he was good, when we were little. I always thought that my best friend of 20 years knew me the best in this world, but that's not true. My nine year old neice knows me better than anyone, just like I know her better than anyone. It's one fucked up person that we have in common, but it's a bond that not many other people will understand. I feel there's a string attached to us, a close one, that no one can ever cut. Because of her, I'm not ashamed of my last name.