I can’t help but wonder, do I really exist? I mean me, the guy writing these words. I then wonder if you, the ones reading these words, do you exist? Why would I think any of us really exist? Maybe because of the physical experience of now? Or maybe because of the chemical experience of before? Memories are what I mean by that. There are so many reasons for me to believe none of us do exist. That we are an idea having ideas that only feels as though we are real... just like in a dream. And when moments come that are lucid, and control is felt in this dream, the dream only gets more bizarre and pulls away from the tedious grip that may have temporarily exposed it for what it is.... an idea. So the idea perpetuates idea. Let me tell of some experiences I have noticed that work to describe what I am talking about here.

I was riding a bicycle the other day. It was a warm day with lots of sun and a little humidity. I crested a hill at a park near home and as I started to go down the hills gentle slope, the world fell into an organization that threaten to dispel the dream. That lasted less then a second. In that second I had a strong sense of what questions would answer the big enigmas of life; Who are we and what are we doing. That second was followed by several minutes of confusing sensory input and feelings that landed me back into the natural state of confusion that effected me for quite awhile. First thing I saw was the many people who were walking along the road and the grass in the park no longer appeared to walk in the normal sense one expects. As a glided down the hill, I saw what would have fit quite nicely in a Living Dead movie. It looked to me like people, young and old, were lurching in unnaturally slow motions like zombies with no where to go. It was so profound to me how mutated time suddenly was and how much everyone appeared as automatons. It was unsettling to say the least. As I got closer to these people, I was further thrown into confusion by the distorted features my eyes began to see. The faces of people seemed twisted or off center. Like someone had smeared a hand across them and their faces stayed smeared. Noses too far off center, upper faces on the side of their heads while the lower faces moved away on opposite angles, teeth showing that normally are covered by cheeks, and expressions of distortion or pain was evident. Either I happened to cycle through a troop of circus people on break and enjoying the park, or something changed in my mind, effecting what my eyes saw. It took a full day for the effects of that to wear off. People didn’t begin to look normal to me again until the following day. Now how is that for weird? It isn’t just a matter of my imagination going on overdrive. No, I saw and kept seeing the same sorts of things during that day, even in people I know well. I can hazard a guess that by the time the effects had worn off, my dream had fully regained control and I was once more a functioning part of the idea. Only I have had a headache since then and developed a cold in my eye. For the record, I am not making any of this up.

I am pretty sure one could come up with rational explanations as to why I may have experienced this, or imagined I experienced this. The imagine explanation makes me chuckle a little because imagining is what life seems to be all about. What makes one imagined thing more true then another anyway? Perhaps I had a cold-bug that had began to attack my system, and it manifested in optical distortion as the cold in my eye effected how the information was sent down my optical ganglions. Maybe, but then again it seems everything falls under the heading of maybe doesn’t it.

Why do I take the time to write this one may wonder. Well, this is only one example of why I keep coming back to questioning if I am real or if anything is real. It happens often. Mostly while I sleep and dream, something we are climatized to happening from a young age (a sort of thought training that falls under the heading of brainwash), but also occasionally when I am awake and fully functioning. There are enough such stories I have had that give me reason enough to pause and doubt. So that brings me to asking this, is there anyone else who has these sorts of episodes out there? Or am I exhibiting signs of some mental illness waiting in the bushes, ready to pounce on unsuspecting me. If there are, then please speak up so that I may have a little more peace of mind. One step further, can anyone come up with a reason to think all of this isn’t just an idea having ideas? Can anyone give something concrete that can verify we are real? Can anyone even offer me a clear notion as to what real even is? Come on... help a fellow out will you? I look forward to any responses....