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I feel like I should start out with some sort of disclaimer because I feel like this rant is a bit bitchy, selfish, and (at times) pretty fucking heartless. But, it's how I feel, so I won't apologize.

By the way, if it was ever up in the air, I am bitchy, selfish, and (at times) pretty fucking heartless.

Someone that I really didn't know died recently. Now, these forthcoming observations are not a direct result of his death or random individual's reaction to it, but it's something I've noticed throughout my life. Maybe this recent death just brings to life my general contempt for the human race and the way we treat each other while we are alive.

It should probably also be said that I've never experienced a death of someone that I was intimate with, be it a friend, a lover, an immediate family member (that treated me kindly), or whomever. I'm sure, to some, it may make my observations less powerful, but either way, I see it happening all around us.

I try really hard to let the people around me know that I care about them. Sometimes it comes off as crazy, awkward, overwhelming, or inappropriate, but when I care for someone, our relationship is extremely important to me and I do my best to express it. While I function better when I'm alone than in a group of people or relationship, I do think it's important to love and be loved.

But, not just when I'm dead. That's not cool.

Did I say I was crazy? Well, I'm sure there are some people that wonder what reaction they'd get if they just ended it all. I'm pretty sure some people around me would be affected harshly, but I feel like I'd be forgotten ultimately as time passed on. I make it no secret that I feel like I'm invisible to most people and that most relationships I attempt just keep making me feel like I'm a placeholder in one fashion or another. Feels like shit, doesn't it?

And then I'm seeing in the past year the amazing reaction people we seem to look over get when they die for whatever reason. Why?

This close friend of the family died a couple of months ago..suddenly..of lung cancer. Her and my mother had been best friends when they were 15/16, had been there for each other through marriages, divorces, births, deaths, and everything in between. I'd say that since we've done all this moving around, from state-to-state, the connections our family had weren't as strong. That's understandable because I've suffered enough alienated relationships because of the moves that I've made, but the worthwhile connections seem to stick for the most part.

It may be pretty obvious, but she died of lung cancer because she was a smoker since pre-teen age. A serious smoker. A chain smoker that would make Bill Hicks look like a whiny maggot. It's not surprising that she died that way, but it still doesn't make it less severe.

Shortly after, my mom became the nazi non-smoker. I pretty much felt like I had to hide my own nicotine addiction because she'd gone on this tirade about how it was irresponsible, we were going to die, she didn't want to have any part of it, etc etc.

Well, duh.

But, it just sort of echoes the sentiment that nobody cares all that much until either something serious like a terminal illness or death occurs close to you. But, this sort of reaction seems disrespectful on a certain level.

Wouldn't you want to be worshipped as a great human being while you lived rather than after you've been put in the ground? Hell, I hope people curse my name when I'm gone. At least it will have made my miserable times worth living. Like, you know, you selfish bitch, you deserved to be used, abused, and overlooked.

There's nothing like death to make people realize how transitory all our lives are. It's because we take the seemingly simple act of breathing for granted. You put off writing that letter of apology or expression of love/lust because tomorrow he'll still be around to hear what you have to say. But, they rarely are. Maybe they move on, run away, or die suddenly of some horrible disease that nobody wanted to recognize was coming.

Human beings fucking disgust me. Quit treating intimacy like it's going to fucking kill you.

Because, you know.. if only you were dead, I'd love you too!