© Blaine Howard
253Words

Dateline: Broad and Wall
December 17, 2026

In the face of ever-dwindling oil reserves and after a backbreaking schedule of negotiations, the Sun has graciously agreed to become a subsidiary of Shell-Sunoco- Chevron-Exxon-Mobil. "Old Sol drove a hard bargain" said SSCEM’s CFO George Bush VIII, " but we finally came to terms."

SSCEM’s passionate desire to bargain with Mr. Helios stems from its beneficent concern that its customers have continuity in the provision of energy. Reportedly, the final sticking point was the golden orb’s insistence it retain proprietary control over the words "sun" and "solar energy." As the more senior members in the partnership, Shell, Sunoco, Chevron, Exxon and Mobil successfully asserted the argument that customers might confusedly associate such words with what has heretofore been "free" energy. Still, as a mark of its concern for all potential customers, regardless of race creed or color, Shell-Sunoco-Chevron-Exxon-Mobil will now until its next incarnation be known as Shell- Sunoco- Chevron-Exxon-Mobil-Malina in honor of the sun God of the Inuit and Aleut peoples who were displaced when most of the Arctic ice melted.

In earlier, more innocent times the idea of a "solar meter" was so incredible to far-left wacko sun huggers that they assumed the sun would never be compelled to turn a profit for the holy American economy. However the dissipation of oil, coal and other fossil fuel stocks, not to mention the scarcity of wood coupled with sun’s approval has bridged any technical or economic barriers to solar exploitation. As a side note, the corporation has now also claimed proprietary control over vitamin D, and has indemnified itself against future skin cancer claims.