Denial is critical in the onset stage. When asked why you are wincing in pain while holding your head, smile and wave off the inference. When your loved ones persist in questioning you as you lay writhing on the couch, tell them you're fine, just a little tired. Then, a few minutes later, ask them if they would mind helping you upstairs to bed.

 

Even the heartless will feel obligated to ask you if you need anything, after you collapse on your bed holding your stomach and head. This is the refusal stage. Never immediately accept a hot cloth, ginger ale, or food of any kind. It will draw suspicion as to the seriousness of the illness. Remain semi-motionless for about an hour, moaning loudly to be sure you can be heard over the television. Eventually, someone will get tired of listening to you, and will bring you a nice cup of tea. This is a test. Do not drink it. Let it get cold, and when they check on you again, there will be less of a question in their mind that you are in fact ill.

 

At this stage you can begin accepting anything offered, even if you don't want it. I like to use my silent nod while weakly reaching for their hand to hold briefly, before they run for the Ben Gay and popsicles. Guilt has overcome them by now, and repentance breeds back rubs and pillow fluffing. When you have been pampered beyond your wildest dreams, pretend to drift off to sleep with a smile on your face. They will go away and you will now have a few hours to do whatever you like. I keep a manicure kit, scratch tickets, and some chocolate covered cherries in my nightstand. If you are subject to a surprise bed check, you can easily cover your tracks with a simple maneuver I like to call the bed sheet roll over.

 

If the phone rings, be sure to turn down your television, because your sudden illness will be the topic of conversation. You may want to struggle to the bathroom once or twice, shuffling slowly enough to hear any sympathetic conversation about your condition. Don't accept any visitors, because they may smell a rat if you look happy to see them. Never try to extend your ruse past two days. Start showing some signs of improvement after thirty six hours, tops, or you may find yourself being hauled off to the doctor, and we all know what that means.

 

As your recovery progresses, be sure to incessantly thank all who were so thoughtful and selfless while nursing you back to health. This will dismiss any lingering doubts of the veracity of your sudden debilitating illness. My family knows, or thinks they know, I only get sappy when I feel like I am on my deathbed. One last thing. It would not bode well for me if word of this insincerity got out, so let's just keep this between you and me, OK?

 

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