I'm No Quitter!
posted October 17, 2009 - 11:45amHere I sit, laptop in high gear, candles flickering in a silent chorus of na-na-na-na-na-na, ready to rip someone's lips off just for existing. Kids and animals have mysteriously disappeared. Even the bird doesn't dare to tweet, knowing full well if he does, I will break his scrawny little neck. Why the foul mood? I have challenged myself to complete an article before I have a cigarette.
The problem is that I can't think of anything to write about other than something like "Confessions of a Nicorette Addict". I'm too busy concentrating on the gouge I have chewed out of the inside of my cheek. The reason for the gouge is because I am chewing a piece of Nicorette 4mg White Ice chew activated gum, doing my best to squeeze out enough nicotine to take the edge off. I got a little carried away while chomping down on the gum and included a chunk of flesh.
The little guy just zoomed by and glanced at me for a nano second. I imagine he's scouting for the rest of the family huddled around each other upstairs, trying to construct some sort of plan to deal with me during this most unpleasant time. He just ran back upstairs mumbling something about how much he loves me, the little twerp. Yeah, sure he does, him and the rest of those snickering bozos I live with.
This is ridiculous. Now my computer has worms again. Can't these idiots who make these things do anything right? Worms for crying out loud. Wonder what this is going to cost me. I lived in much less than sanitary conditions when I was a teenager and never got worms. This thing gets cleaned every single freakin' day and gets worms. Go figure.
Now I have a headache. I'm grinding the crap out of this gum and all I am getting is a headache. I think I must have bought a placebo. I can tell when someone is shining me on, and if this gum has nicotine in it, I'm a virgin. The muscles in my jaw are struggling to hold my chin up now that I've overworked them so viciously. Now I'm drooling.
Here comes the middle child. I think I just saw her look at me. Sure, run away ya twit. That's how she deals with everything. Just like every other spoiled brat these days. No responsibility whatsoever. Smart-mouthed know-it-alls. Oh, good. She's going to the movies. It must be nice to be able to stroll on out of here without a care in the world, in her designer jeans and a twenty in her pocket. Her mother just asked her if she has her phone. God forbid she should have to experience a day without her phone. Hmph.
Jeez, I'm getting dizzy. Wonder if this is what it feels like to have a heart attack. I think maybe it's more likely a stroke though. You know, when those little things in your brain get all confused without nicotine and start crashing into each other in desperate confusion. Then you experience a 100000 volt electric ping that makes your eyes cross and your ears bleed. I think I just had a chain reaction.
Pretty soon I'm going to start smashing these Nicorette squares up with a hammer to get to the nicotine, because my jaw is all done chewing for the day. I'll crush a few and suck on them. I never did read the instructions. I'd better read them later to make sure I don't OD on this stuff. That would make a great headline. "She was no quitter, the dope OD'd!" I wonder if I could get a nicotine IV? Look, there are my cigarettes, just sitting there. Good thing I tossed my Bic.....or did I?
What difference do a couple of minutes make anyway? I mean I'm not going to quit for good, just until I get something written. I'm taking everyone out of my will. They don't like me anyway. I'll smoke my brains out, die, and leave my vast fortune to the bird. That will teach them. Be right back. Gotta spit this useless wad of Nicorette out......
Hey, I've done an entire page of whining without a cigarette! I just might try another ten minutes. Here comes the sister, a reformed smoker, Miss Priss. Would you look at that, she brought me a icy cold glass of orange juice. And here's a note from the kiddies. Awww. Maybe I won't cut them out of the will. Screw the bird. I'll probably outlive him anyway.
Eureka! I just found my lighter. This really wasn't so bad. So I had a few brain zaps. At least I didn't kill or maim anyone. I think I'll try this again tomorrow. Maybe I'll shoot for a couple of hours. Maybe.
Join Xomba Today
Do you like to write? Would you like to make a little extra money on the side? These people do. Join the Xomba community today.
Become a Member
Comments
Would vote for it again if I could.
I quit the end of 1987. I had quit several times before for a few months at a time and once for a little over a year before starting back. After restarting smoking the last time people knew that I could quit and began harrassing me to quit which only made me light another one in front of them. I went outside at a friends house smoked a last cigarette came back in and threw away roughly one-half pack. As much as cigarettes cost I knew that I would never start back again after chucking that many down the drain so to speak. I can't even fathom the prices that people pay now-days for a chance to ruin their health.
Great work my friend!
Johnny Yuma
voted for it and skimmed
voted for it and skimmed through. I will be back later to read it and comment then. Johnny
Post new comment