You might question how anyone can write a positive article on successfully raising teenagers because it seems American society has some very unsuccessful parenting. I raised six children through the teenage years and did so without a struggle. Oh, there were moments, but we worked through them to a successful conclusion. The following are some of the ideas I would like to share because they were invaluable to me. These are not listed in any priority order because you may find one more useful than another.

   Tolerating differences cannot be over emphasized. Realize your teen is an individual distinct from you and actually disticnt from other teenagers. "Why can't you be like Jimmy" is a useless commentary on a parent's perspective of their teen's distinct difference from Jimmy and every other teenager. Certainly teens are distinct from their parent(s). But do not hesitate to state your opinion if you disagree with a behavior or plan. It is, however, the way you state your opinion that matters. For example, if you say 'why are you doing that, that is stupid.' You just lost the moment.  A better way to approach an issue like this is to say, ' I would like to offer  my feelings and another perspective because................' Once you have a disagreement with your teen all can be lost and so many parent- teen relationships break down here.

   Make time for your teen so that you can engage in activities you enjoy doing together. Make time to help your teen engage in sports or dance, etc.Teens need time with their parents and need to particpate with their parents in events that both can talk about later. Events that both can take pride in. Teens also need to particpate with other teens in wholesome activities like soccer or ballet.

   Don't make minor issues into major  catastrophes. Choose your issues carefully and make sure they have a long-term value. Ask yourself the question, how important will this be tomorrow or next week, or next year.

  Respect your teens privacy. Stay out of their room and their personal possessions.  If you observe a behavior that is causing you concern speak up. But invading a teens privacy is a sure trip to disaster. Most parents prefer to have some privacy although the need is usually not as great as it with a teen.

  Never imply that your teen's feelings don't matter or that they will chnage. A wise counselor said that. "Teens live in the present. It doesn't help them to know that they will feel differently in the future."

  Don't judge. State the facts as you know the facts to be instead of suspicions or assumptions when you praise or criticize. When criticizing a teen do not use the "I" word or the "you" word. Find another less threatening way to speak. For example, saying you are wrong is a bad "you" message. However, saying that there might be another way to see this, is far more useful. Don't say "I" think or "I" feel. Rather say my observation is this or have you thought of this, or can you listen to my thoughts.

 Master the art of listening. Listening to teens is an art. We often act like we are listening but we are doing something else at the same time. Put your work aside so the teen knows you are really paying attention. It may be appropriate to repeat back what the teen is really saying so the teen knows you are listening and you get the messagee.

 Out of the above actions will develop more actions that are appropriate with your teen. Parenting teens is an evolving learning process.