For many of us our formative years were spent with people who taught us about being fair. We learned the difference between taking something we wanted from another child and asking for it. Unfortunately, for some of us the lessons we learned about fairness only showed us how unfair the world could be.

For me the memories begin as a toddler when my mother felt that I was receiving preferential treatment over my younger sister from my grandparents. I was constantly barraged with comments about how “it wasn’t fair” and “you shouldn’t get things your sister doesn’t.” Hence my earliest memories of fair are associated with guilt. By the time I began elementary school the rules had changed somewhat. I still received the “it’s not fair” regarding my sister. What was added were special rules regarding competitions at school. My mother made sure the “normal” rules were not applied to me. She said it wasn’t fair to other children who couldn’t keep up. The result was an above average student who never felt she earned her grades or awards. A couple of years later we added “you get special treatment because of who your grandfather is.” Result: No self worth.

These recollections seem whiney and self-absorbing but there is a point. The point is that life isn’t “fair” but that parents should never stack the deck against their own children based on a misconceived notion about fairness and equality.

True fairness is learning when it is your turn. True fairness is being given an honest opportunity. True fairness is not always equal. Parents have a responsibility to teach this lesson to their children. It is a tricky lesson to learn.

Equal is the soccer game where there is no score so that no child’s self esteem is hurt. Fair is learning that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, what matters is that you gave it your best.

Equal is applying special rules to your child so that he/she will not excel beyond his peers by working hard. Fair is seeing that those that work hard will be rewarded while those who do not are not rewarded.

Equal is taking away something that a child has earned and giving it to another child that didn’t earn anything because “it wasn’t fair that he/she didn’t get anything.” Fair is letting the child who earned the item keep it while the child who didn’t earn anything learns a lesson.

Granted there are children who truly have special needs. They will need to learn these lessons also but in a different manner. Just as children with no special needs should understand there are circumstances when these lessons will be slightly bent.

The constitution says that all men are created equal. It does not say “some men are created lesser than others so those with more should be restrained so that we all feel good about ourselves.” We all have strengths and weaknesses and it is our responsibility to use those strengths and weakness to the utmost of our abilities. That self-responsibility is the true equality.