i've been fluctuating quite a bit lately in between insanity and lucidity, which is a space with which i'm not vastly unfamiliar. and i feel naked and alone and unprotected and the walls are closing in and i wonder just what i'm supposed to do to make it through to the other side. i'm following sponsor direction by just lying under my covers and resting--something with which i'm not very comfortable. and i spent some time crying and talking with and praying to something out there that i'm not very sure of. and i just blurted out, "what if i can't do this; what if i can't do this?" and finally and very clearly heard a voice just state: no one is asking you to do anything.

stop.

simplify. and then simplify those simplicities.

and that's the answer. stop DOING and start BEING. just be. wherever i am, whomever i am, whatever i am facing, that's all Anyone is asking of me. and i suppose there are worse things in life to have asked of us. i can't seem to stop trying to DO and just.....stop. i can't sit still. i can't hold on. i can't let go. i can't sleep because my mind is racing. i get out of bed in the middle of the night and get online to search for applications to fill out. i find myself sitting at my desk as the sun is coming up, renewing my first aid and CPR certification on few hours of sleep because i think if i could just have one more thing done, if i could have one more thing on my list with a check next to it, one more thing crossed off, then i'll be okay. at least i'll feel like i'm DOING SOMETHING. and i find no peace. no rest.

it's all substitution. it's similar to where i was over two years ago--begging outside of a grocery store for change so i can go in and use the Coinstar so i'll have paper money to walk next store to the liquor store (because god FORBID i buy any more alcohol with all nickels and dimes, then that would mean that i have some sort of problem). because no matter how much i've had to drink that day i need to know that i have more. i just need one more twelve pack hidden in my closet. one more bottle of vodka in my sock drawer. one more handle of captain morgan to sit with on the couch while i watch television. and then i'll be okay. and now, one more check on that "to do" list. i chose to end that. i chose to make life changes that would allow me to free myself from a particular prison. the insanity in me then causes me to enslave myself in yet another. it's ridiculous.

life happens. drunk or sober, life IS. and we face it or we don't. but if we choose to live life instead of hide from life, how unfair is it to then sit around and complain about it? there's a reason why all of this is happening now. it's timing that i definitely would not have chosen for myself. it's all come together and has been fashioned so perfectly and completely and all that my higher power is asking of me is to NOT screw it up.

just stop, julie. stop trying to take over. put it down. walk away. no one's asking you to DO anything. just be. just notice life and appreciate.

how often do we stand on a precipice of great opportunity and ignore that which we have been given? how often do we become angry at god for not giving us answers to questions we're too arrogant to ask? we live on day to day with our eyes but half opened, oblivious to the beauty of the gifts that have been placed before us. until we learn to be aware of what is already in place, until we learn to open our eyes completely and to fully grasp the tools that god has placed in our lives for the purpose of achieving awakening, we will never truly live. life is breathing in air. life is seeking, through solitude, what the universe desires us to be. life is allowing ourselves to be changed, to be broken, to be humbled by the actions and languages presented to us by others. life is embracing the courage to go beyond the confines of the four walls of safety and monotony and familiarity that we have constructed for ourselves out of fear. we're so good at distracting ourselves. i'm so good at finding outside things to focus on when my own life becomes too "difficult," or situations with which to distract myself when i am discontent with the events i've attracted into my own space. it's all meaningless. it's useless. until we weed out the useless and allow ourselves to be chiseled down to the least common denominator of necessity and to not allow ourselves to be contaminated by outside factors, we cannot experience true serenity and truly find peace within ourselves. only when we confront the bare essentials of life do we discover our true purpose of existing--to learn to exist.