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Christ forgave my sins, because I came to Him. He wasn’t lost needing to be found, I was.

I repented. Or did I? I ask this because I remember feeling guilty of my wrong doings, wrong thoughts, wrong words, and wrong actions, guilty of my own selfishness. I remember I prayed about it, I asked for His forgiveness. I pray and ask nearly every day. Because I fall short and sin every day.

Repentance is a change in who you are and what you are doing. I repent, but then I find myself in familiar repetitive sins. If I can not abstain from sinful behaviors how can I please my maker? My repentance is false or fleeting at best isn’t it?

Only in the glimpse of a moment, in the twinkling of an eye is it possible that perhaps the Lord has seen a minuscule shred of goodness. A hint of His own reflection deep within the murky depths of my wicked heart. (It is written the heart is wicked) My works are dead works. My efforts are folly without my Savior.

Salvation is His offered gift. I need but accept it. But once we accept it, we have begun a revolution from within. A change in priority, and a new way of being. I live in the world, but I am not of the world. Yet I am affected every minute by the world. I am weak. My ability to maintain a change is also weak. Yet my Lord understands this.

I know I am sinning the moment I choose to do so, and yet I sin all the more. I fail to know every sin I am committing yet they are committed none the lesser. All sin weighs the same before God. An epitome of hypocritical shame is my cloak before my Lord. I am painfully self aware that my very humility is shamefully lacking the true depth to encompass my actual spiritual state. A wretch in God’s eyes is too good a depiction for me.

For what man can speak well of himself under God’s measure? God alone possesses divine righteousness, goodness and authority to judge. It is written "All fall short of God’s glory."

I fall short every single day. How do I live with my wretchedness? Put on a facade and allow myself to believe I am “OK”? I walk about the earth lost in this paradoxical state of contempt for myself and in shame for my failure in doing the Lord’s work. How does one become a “Good and Faithful Servant” in God’s eyes? The real answer by God's grace through prayer.

Only through my faith does God impute righteousness unto mine account. Yet my faith in God is not what fails me. So, even being a sinner each day of my life, the Lord accepts me into salvation? Yes, So long as I accept His gift. But what of my near constant state of failure after repentance?

Hence the understanding of being saved by faith and faith alone. We are to have faith first and labor at God's work there after. Just remember, no amount of work saves the soul.

I have explored this quandary and prayed for greater understanding. I have rewritten this a few times as greater understanding has been given. PTL!

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