Life in the Days of Me
posted September 1, 2009 - 8:21am
In December 1961, before my birth, my mother got into an automobile accident. She slipped on an ice patch, and the wreck caused the steering wheel to be thrust into my mother’s abdomen. The obstetrician told my mother she had a miscarriage, and to
bind her stomach tightly with bandages until the fetus was released. I was already full-term. After my father felt me kick he took my mother to another physician who said that I was fine, and was nearly ready to be born. I was born three weeks late, on January 13, 1962. I was brought into the world with 10 fingers, 10 toes, and a head full of black hair. I was born a healthy weight, but a little short for an over-term baby.
I was born second in line, the middle child and the only girl. I have a brother 2 ½ years older than me, and another brother a month more than a year younger than me. There is another brother who was born when I was 10 years old, from another father, as my father had passed away when I was 7 years old.
In preparation for coming into the world, my parents had set a room up with a crib with pastel sheets and blankets, other furniture, and wallpaper that displayed pastel pink and lavender ballerinas. My parents did not know I was going to be born a girl. In 1962, standard prenatal technology was not advanced enough to provide this information. My mother would recite a story many times, through my childhood, about having been worried about my birth after the accident. She said that the spirit of her father who had passed away appeared to her at the foot of the bed and told her “Don’t worry, Betty, your little girl is going to be just fine.” My life outside the womb started with this out of the ordinary spiritual premise (Gilliam & Franklin, 2004).
My older brother would watch me for what my mother said was hours (Berk, 2001). He would tell me stories while I was lying in my crib. He shared his toys with me. His toddler life revolved around making me as comfortable as possible. My older brother and I were very close as small children. Because of our age, gender difference, and the idea that girls mature faster than boys, we were considered on equal levels by the time I reached my toddler years.
My mother would read to us and sing to us, which stimulated our cognitive abilities toward communication (Kail & Cavanaugh, 2007). I remember her putting my younger brother in a high chair in the kitchen and talking to him, or singing songs, while doing her chores nearly all day long. I understood that she did this with each of us. Our mother spoke in clear adult language and she developed an advanced vocabulary in all of us, well above our years, before we started school. She stimulated our minds. My older brother and I played all the time. We played blocks, and colors. We pretended, and play-acted, and made up stories and songs. These activities gave me the knowledge of colors and shapes (Kail & Cavanaugh, 2007). He taught me to read two years before I even started kindergarten. My physical cognitive skills were developed by my brother more than my mother (Berk, 2001). Thankfully my mother provided these skills to my brother which he passed to me.
My father played with me when he was not working in the fields, or at the Del Monte canning plant. I remember being inseparable when I was an older baby. I can only guess that he played differently with me than my brothers. He called me Kitten and I was Daddy’s little girl. When I needed something it was usually my father who would get it for me when he was home. I didn’t ask for much from my mother. She was busy with my younger brother and did not have the time for me and my older brother. The experiences I had with my father helped me form a very stable sense of myself (Duncan, 2000).
The environmental experiences that I had did help with the essential growth of my cognitive abilities in relationship to speech and physical development understanding. I learned that I was independent, and a self-motivator, and relied more heavily on male influences in my life than female influences. Talking, singing, and reading are all very essential stimuli in helping an infant understand and develop their own abilities to communicate. With an older sibling, parents, and other relatives, from learning by experiences of those around me, I was able to develop a keen sense of self and an ability to communicate effectively (Kail & Cavanaugh, 2007.
Childhood and adolescence are formidable years that help to form the social systems that will continue through adulthood. This paper will discuss important experiences that happened in my life which formed the person that I am today. My childhood and adolescence were riddled with misfortune and unhappiness for the most part, with an occasional bright spot. I was studious, and competitive against myself, but did not develop self-esteem until later in life.
When I was 7 years old, 19 days before Christmas, my father died. He was my main source of guidance and advice; he was my protector (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 648). My father was the center of my universe, and the one person who checked for monsters under my bed, massaged cramps I would get in my legs from stretching wrong in my sleep, and kept my brothers from picking on me, being the only girl. My mother had us taken out of school to tell us right away of the loss of our father. This was important, so that we were not left out of the family, and kept close in order to grieve together (Black, 1998).
I missed a lot of school after my father’s death, including the mandatory IQ test that was administered to 2nd graders. I came back to school, and had to stay after to take the test. From the behavior of the faculty after I took the test, I must have done well. They told my mother my test scores, and she said I scored 154, and that I should work to my potential. I did not know what that meant, but I worked very hard to do well. I had a very well developed self-reflective perspective. I understood what other’s expected of me and tried my very best to fulfill their ideas of what I was capable of (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 299).
Elementary school was socially rough. I did not have a lot of friends. I was very studious, working hard to keep up with my own expectations, and to excel past my older brother. I competed with my perceptions of what other people expected of me. I tried very hard to please everyone. Other people’s perceptions of me were very important. I remember a particular 1st grade report card said “handwriting needs improvement” and so I worked very hard to improve. I had an advanced formal operational method of thinking beyond the other students in my class (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 222). I could effectively think outside the box in a linear way, and figure things out more quickly than my peers. This also alienated me from other kids my age, as they thought I was too unusual to be associated with. I was very small for my age, so older kids just treated me like a baby, instead of an equal. My mental operations as young as 7 years old were tested as more advanced, as that of a 4th or 5th grade student. I was able to visualize end results with accuracy (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 220).
A particular incident I recall was in third grade. We passed our math papers to the student behind us to grade in class. Joanne sat behind me, and graded my paper. When I got it back, I had missed a number of questions and after close examination, I found a lot of 1’s on my paper that were not in my handwriting. Because of those numbers being added to my paper, I missed enough to fail the assignment. I went to the teacher, and addressed this problem. She was skeptical but was willing to listen to me. I was able to successfully defend my case, but the teacher to be fair asked me to redo the assignment, which I was able to do with no problem, and I did not miss any. I do not know why Joanne cheated and messed up my assignment. She was not doing as well in school as me. Maybe it was a jealousy. She would behave adversely to fit in with the more popular girls (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 289).
After my father passed away, my mother re-married a very different person. The new person, Mike, was terrible. He was an alcoholic, he was perverse, and liked little girls. This man came into our lives when I was 8 years old. He would have me sit in the middle front car seat because I was the “lady,” just to put his hands on my legs inappropriately, but I was too young to know better. He would have me sit in his lap, and would touch me in a bad way. I would get off his lap because it felt strange. This man sexually molested me for much of my older childhood and early adolescence. He did not cause me to be a dysfunctional adult, but that is because I did not allow him to empower my mind with his actions (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 279). He was very good at mental and emotional abuse as well as the sexual abuse he imposed on me. I just tried to stay away from him. This was a secret from anyone I knew, including my own family. I blamed myself as much as Mike for the advances. Contrary to the statistics, I was a good student, and got along well with my peers when I grew into middle school years (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 282).
We also moved a lot after mom married Mike. We moved 3 times while I was in 4th grade, effectively keeping me from learning how to do division in math class. It was not until I got into 10th grade that I learned how to divide correctly, because I was smart enough to figure it out however I was not following proper rules. I had never been taught and when I would tell my teachers that, they would not believe me because I was getting the right answers, anyway. We continued moving across the country, from Illinois to other states, always using Illinois as a hub between moves. Moving so much, I found that I could learn how to adapt to different areas of the country, and the people who lived there. I learned how to get along with most different cultures and types of people. This helped me when I grew up and joined the Marines, and later in life as well, because I could relate to all the different cultures.
The theory of child development at this stage that would most apply to my personal development would be Erikson’s Theory. I developed different personality traits, and thought processes because of dramatic changes that occurred in my life. Because of my mother’s pre-occupation with my brothers, I became more independent. Because of my father’s early passing, I developed knowledge of mortality and have grown to be more cognizant of death and loss. Because of the emotional and sexual molestation by my step father, I have learned what behaviors are unacceptable. With the experiences I had in school with peers, I learned that some can be trusted, and some cannot, and how to be cautious until I learn who to keep close and who to stay away from (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 13).
My adolescence was not much better. From the time I started developing a more womanly shape I was very aware of my step-father and how he would look at me. He would swat me on the behind, as though I was his girlfriend, until the day I swatted back, and hit him right in the privates. I spent a lot of time in my room, hiding from his advances, doing homework or singing. The abuse changed when I became a teenager because of this.
I have a single memory that is very pleasant. We had moved and were staying in my grandmother’s house. Down the street, just half a block, there was a boy who would stand and wait for the school bus. I started going to his bus stop to be closer to him. I was too shy to speak to him, and he was too, apparently. I stood there for over a week silently waiting for the bus before he said hi to me. He got on the bus behind me, and sat in the seat in front of me. He invited me to move up and sit with him, and I did. From that minute to now, for thirty years, he has been my very good friend. He was my escape from the things that tortured me at home, when I was just 14 to 15 years old. He made me feel good about myself, happy and confident, and funny (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 285). He was my first high school crush, but I never told him. We spent practically every waking moment together, but never showed affection, only friendship and laughter. He was the one person I would have been more intimate with, but was not. I wanted to go to the movies with him once, but my mom did not let me, saying it was a date, when in my mind it was friends going to the movies. I was, after all, paying my own way. One day I went to his garage and he was punching a make-shift punching bag. He asked me to take off my flannel shirt. Because I had another shirt under it, I did as he asked. He wanted to see more of me, but I would not do that. I was a good girl, and not ready for an intimate relationship at 15. Adolescents participate in sexual activity because of many factors. Those who do not participate in sexual activity are closer to their parents (Kail, Cavanaugh, p. 349). I did not want to disappoint my mother, so I stayed chaste throughout high school. I moved away and lost contact with my friend but never forgot him.
The next year this boy was at the Homecoming dance at my school with a girl who did not like me, and I avoided speaking to him because I didn’t want any trouble with the girl. That is adolescent love. I saw him with another girl, so I figured he had moved on. Now I discovered that was not the case and find myself wondering “what if” (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 285). I did well in high school, passing with decent grades, and never had to study for English except for the vocabulary finals. I took all the standard classes, and did very well in all of them. I would have to stare at the examples for Algebra, and the theorems and postulates in Geometry class, and struggled a bit in Physics, but all-in-all, with very little effort, I was able to obtain and maintain a good B+ average. I particularly enjoyed Biology and American History. I existed in a moratorium, I enjoyed school, and all that was there, but had really no direction that I was committed to (Kail, Cavanaugh, p. 341). The one thing I did exceptionally well was anything academic.
I had a few friends; mostly they were categorized as the smokers, although most of them did not smoke. Those who did smoke were doing so because their parents smoked, and they learned from that behavior. The Developmental Psychology text mentions that habits like alcohol consumption and smoking can be influenced by parents’ behavior (Kail, Cavanaugh, p. 362). As with most of the country kids I grew up with, I drank some beer when I went with my friends. I behaved in a less than appropriate manner under the influence of alcohol, so I stopped drinking. I was very conscious of my reputation, and wanted it to stay pure. I drank because my friends were drinking and because a particular boy that I wanted to hang out with was also drinking (Kail, Cavanaugh, p. 360). Peer pressure got to me like any other kid my age. I felt like I was accepted when I did what they were doing. I did not feel like such an outsider. The sociocultural forces of the Midwestern small town community I lived in played a strong force in the way that my peers behaved. They all were in cliques however they interacted with each other regardless of their “rank” in the school (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 287). The cognitive theory that would best be applied to my peers smoking, drinking, and some smoking marijuana is Vygotsky’s theory of development influenced by culture. These students were following what they perceived to be the social norm for their community. They all followed each other into the habits or activities that were being enjoyed by their peers (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 12).
When I turned sixteen, I attended a career day in school, and started talking to the recruiters for the armed services. I spoke with all of the major ones, Army, Air Force, Navy and Marines. My favorite uncle had been in the Navy, and my oldest uncle had been in the Marine Corps. I was too young to really talk with the recruiters that year, so they did not pay as much attention to me. The next year, when I was seventeen, they all practically courted me. I took my ASVAB test, and did moderately well, but not spectacularly. It was good enough, though, for any of the armed services to enlist me. Each of the recruiters was invited to my home, and we sat at the table and discussed options. I had my mind made up in two minutes that I was going to join the Marines. My decision was based on the information I was provided, and the personalities of each of the recruiters. The one from the Marines looked the best, had the best uniform, and sounded like the best. I wanted for once to be the best. My family did not reject my choice, and my mom signed the papers when I was seventeen to enlist in the Marine Corps. Everyone was skeptical, though, and continued to ask me why the Marines. They said that there were easier things to get into, but I was determined. I was tired of being average. I wanted to excel. I utilized perspectives of societal thoughts in making my decision to join the Marines because I knew that other people who had joined became respected (Kail & Cavanaugh, p. 299). I was influenced by how my uncle came back from Viet Nam, and by how one of my teachers behaved, knowing he also had been in the Marines. I wanted to be a part of that.
In my childhood and adolescence I was affected strongly by negative forces, but came to understand that these were not my fault, and that I could overcome them by fighting against what I knew was not right, and was not socially acceptable. My home life and my school life were two different parts and they did not intermingle. I was able to keep my two lives separate and no one at school saw the adversities of home. Home did see my dedication to school, though because I was proud of being able to do well even though I had so many things working against my well-being.
From adolescence came my young adulthood up to today. I did get through the Marine Corps basic training as the dead-center average recruit. There were sixty young ladies in my platoon, and I finished number thirty. Again, my personal thoughts would not allow me to stand out and excel past adequate behavior, although I knew just what I needed to do in order to succeed. Currently I regret having gotten out of the Marine Corps however I am a successful computer support analyst working for a national towboat company. I am 44 years old, married, and own a home I am paying for myself. I have five well-adjusted adult children who all call me for advice, or conversation. I have a single grandson, and a second grandchild, a girl, who will be born any day now. I get frustrated with my life, and my marriage on many occasions because of the choices I made the past 25 years since becoming an adult. The home in which I live is in an older part of the city I live in. It is a nice house but needs a lot of work done to it, as it is 52 years old. The community I live in is diverse with many cultures.
I have had a vast amount of personal experiences since reaching my adulthood 25 years ago. I have lived in many cities, worked many different jobs, and known many different people with habits I tolerated, and languages I did not understand. My values and interests have changed a lot in my adult life. When I was younger, I would crave attention and groups of people. I was interested in the fun, not taking life seriously, believing myself invincible. My behavior was responsible, but care-free at the same time. I was happy, and playful. Now I am much more responsible, taking care of all the financial responsibilities of my household all by myself. I no longer am interested in going out to social events, drinking alcohol, or even eating at restaurants. I am more interested in learning now than when I was younger, although I have never gone a day without learning something new. I value education and information, and that has never changed in my life.
During my teen years, I was very interested in the attention of boys, and keeping friends who would be loyal to me. I was interested in music, and independence. I did as I was told without any question, and took care of matters that were important. I tried to stay away from home as much as was possible because I did not like being there. I was uncomfortable when I was at home. I would stay hidden in my bedroom when I was not outside. Now my home is important to me. My credit and my belongings are important to me. I do not have a lot of things, I am not a materialistic person and do not have a lot of possessions however the things I do have I want to stay in good condition. I take care of my property, and appreciate those who would help me to do so. It is important to me that I keep what I have so that I do not have to replace it. Personal security is very important to me as well.
Socially I have changed immensely. When a teenager I would go to church, school dances and sporting events to interact with my fellow students. I was always ready to go places with groups of people and play. I was a good girl, and did nothing that would change that, but I was very social in my behavior. When I was a young adult, I was the same way. I would go out dancing, to clubs, and with large groups of people, typically men that I knew. I was still a good girl, but did prefer the company of men to that of women. Men were less complicated to me, and I always knew where they stood on things. I did not have to guess what they were thinking or wanting. They were better friends to me. I always regretted losing the friend I had when I was in high school, Jerry. I wondered often where he was, and what he was doing. I did not find him for all those years. Now we have 30 years to catch up on since he is now in my life again.
Morally I have grown as well. When I was a younger adult, I did not have the same ideas of morality as I do now. I was young and free, and would behave in less than an appropriate manner. I still was not promiscuous, but I did engage in sexual activity with a few partners. I was monogamous, but did not stay with the same person for too long. Usually we just went our separate ways, and found new people to occupy our time. In my present life, I am dedicated to the person I married. The only way I would be with someone else is if I divorced him, and was not obligated to him anymore.
Looking at my possible self through my adult life, originally I saw myself as successful in the Marine Corps. I saw myself with goals accomplished. I believed I could be a doctor, and heal people with my hands. I believed I could make a grand difference in society by learning as much as I could to take care of those who needed my help the most. My possible self changed numerous times over my adult life. My choices were typically made by other people’s needs, desires, and wishes. Those choices I made for other people always caused future regret for the direction I went. I make very few choices for my own possible self. I live to please other people, and every time I choose to do that, I find my own personal goals being pushed aside and left behind. I found a possible self that satisfied my goals for educational success. I graduated from technical school the top of my class, and the only woman. This fulfilled my academic requirements, as well as my ego. I was the only woman in my class, and excelled past all the men.
I am concerned with my personal appearance. I skip meals to keep from gaining weight, and until lately, have not been very happy with the occasional gray hair, or laugh line around my eyes. I do not look my age, am proud of how I’ve taken care of myself, and do not wish to look old. I don’t want to grow old, and my fear is that my memory is going, my weight is not as I would like it to be, and my hair is going to be silver very soon. Studies have shown that these are typical possible self images and fears that materialize with older adults (Kail & Cavanaugh, 2007).
My self-concept has gone through many transitions through my life. When I was a young adult, I thought I could change the world. Nothing could stop me. I was a six-foot tall mean Marine. I had a strong self image. During my mid-twenties into my early thirties, I lost a lot of the positive self image. I became someone’s wife. I was abused, and psychologically beaten down as well. I no longer felt that I was able to take on the world. I felt that if I survived another day that I was accomplishing something great. I would hide my feelings, not speak my mind, and keep a low profile to keep from offending or angering others. In my later thirties into my forties, I have found my voice again, although it has been modified from the self-assured Kathryn of my young adulthood. I still do not speak my mind as I did when younger, but I do have self esteem again. I know when to speak up and when to keep my opinions to myself. My self concept changed throughout my entire adult life. Self concepts will change in most people who find their environment and life situations have changed (Kail & Cavanaugh, 2007).
Many factors have developed the person that I have become today. I have been exposed to some very negative and devastating experiences that could have either made or broken me. I chose to take the experiences that I lived through and become stronger because of them. My environment from birth to my life now has had a lasting effect on me. My parents also had a strong effect on my personality and my choices and decisions. I would say, though, that the strongest influence on my behavior and who I have become has been nurture. When my father died, when I was molested as a child, when I joined the Marines, and when I fell in love; each of these things had a great effect on how I reacted to the other things that were occurring around me. My development was seeded with all the learning that could be theorized by Erikson. In my infancy and childhood, I chose basic trust and autonomy. I also learned how to do things for myself, showing initiative, understanding what needed to be done, and doing it (Kail & Cavanaugh, 2007). By the time I reached middle childhood and adolescence I had formed my own sense of self. I felt inferiority and was constantly competing with myself for a better position in my own mind’s society. I was a shy teenager, and did not interact much with others, although there were a group of people who did take me into their circle, and even made me one of the dominant members, which did help me develop some self esteem. I have found that in my middle adulthood, I have developed into a viable member of society. I am capable of reasonable thoughts, am fulfilling my personal responsibilities, and have done a good job with providing life and instruction to my children, and to their friends when they were young. I feel that, to this point, I have lived a very full life. I have many experiences from those around me who have taught me how to be self assured, strong, and not a door mat. Erickson’s theory of the eight stages of psychosocial development fits well into my theories toward my own personal development. In following Erickson’s theories, I find that each developmental stage I have lived through was explained by the model. Erickson’s stages clearly define the differences that could be produced depending on how the individual was treated in each stage of life. Because of my early independence, I have become the person I am today, decisive, and capable.
Works Cited
Berk, L. (2001). Illinois State University Professor, The Many Faces of Psychological Research in the 21st Century, The Society for the Teaching of Psychology, retrieved on November 14, 2006 from http://teachpsych.lemoyne.edu/teachpsych/faces/text/Ch10.htm.
Black, D. (1998). Coping with Loss, Bereavement in Children, BMJ.COM, BMJ 1998;316:931-933 ( 21 March ), retrieved on November 14, 2006 from http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/316/7135/931.
Duncan, S. PhD. (2000). The Importance of Fathers, Montana State University, Retrieved on November 14, 2006 from http://www.montana.edu/wwwpb/pubs/mt2000-08.html.
Gilliam, B. & Franklin, J.T. (2004) Reclaiming Children & Youth; Fall2004, Vol. 13 Issue 3, p144-148, 5p, retrieved on November 14, 2006 from http://libsys.uah.edu:3206/ehost/detail?vid=15&hid=117&sid=7fcbf197-1f41-462b-8ed5-12ccc154c657%40sessionmgr102
Kail/Cavanaugh. (2007). Developmental Psychology. Thomson Wadsworth.
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Comments
I only said that about
I only said that about putting it in two parts, because people say that for the internet the peices should be somewhat shorter. I loved reading it. I remember writing one on my life when I was in college as well. I barely hit the highlights and shortened it to roughly 500 words. Actually when I think about it seems like it was more like 250 or 300 words. When I finished it, I read it and realized that I could make several articles out of it if I added more detail.
I love your writings.
If you love humor, check out Sally Southern, and Crazyhouse. They came here from AC associatedcontent.com. Both were using different names there. Both of they are wonderful.
Johnny
My life.
Thanks, Johnny.
I wrote this for a developmental Psychology class I had for my BS. That is why it was pretty long. I really hesitate to tell all the facts of my life and even scolded this professor for making me spill my guts.
It was very well written if I do say so myself, so I shared it with everyone else.
Thanks for your kind words.
Kate
Warmest regards and best intentions,
Kate
http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/686084/kathryn_perez.html
I would love for you 'all to come put your t
I love this piece!
I almost didn't read this one, because when I started it I thought I already had. I remembered commenting on one that was telling about the accident and the doctor telling your mom that you wouldn't be alive when you wee born. I scrolled down to be sure and there was no comment, so I read it. I'm glad I did it was an interest tale of your life. It was long enough that you might should have turned it into a couple of stories. One and Two perhaps.
Anyway, It is very good reading.
Johnny Yuma
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