When I learned I had MS, my symptoms started really wreaking havoc fast and furious. At the same time, I was reading that many of us don't end up in wheel chairs (most of us, they say...as a matter of fact)...but then at the same time I see or hear a commercial " MS STOPS PEOPLE FROM MOVING." "okay" I think to myself and I'm secretly watching the look on my son's or daughter's face when they too hear these words. (They are 15 and 13.)

It's worry ..it's confusion.

I try to explain that it doesn't stop ALL people from moving , but it is serious. I try to balance the nonchalant attitude with a serious attitude. I'm trying to teach them how to think about this disease that has turned our lives upside down, when I don't even know how to think of it myself.

So..I read about MS..educate myself. ..because "knowledge is power", right? Right...I knew I had MS a long time before the docs officially diagnosed me because I researched it.

So I had my official diagnosis...the doctor's word...the veritable word of God (or so so many docs seem to think of their words) in my hand. And every **** book I pick up has a whole chapter or two dedicated to the "caregiver" and what I will need from a caregiver. Every pamplet I pick up has to throw it out there again the message, " you will need a caregiver."
The messages were overwhelmingly in the direction of telling me simply having the diagnosis means, " You can't play tennis anymore. You can't wear stylish high heeled boots anymore. You can't date anymore. You can't make love ever again. In fact, you should not even think of sex anymore. (sorry if that's too risqué for some of you..but sexuality IS a fact of life.)You can't take a road trip. You can't stay out with friends past 6 pm. , You can't walk around the mall for two hours;you'll get too tired, You can't climb up on the bleachers and cheer for your daughter while she runs track...you can't .....you can't ......you can't do this..you can't do that...."

I just want to scream and say to all these people..friends, writers, doctors, strangers, and everyone else who decided what I cannot do...
" STOP TELLING ME I CAN'T DO THINGS!"

My brain might hear it and tell my body that I can't ...and then, I won't be able to.

Today, I got my "disabled" parking tag for my rear view mirror in the mail..just like magic. I didn't order it. I had called my doctor's office and asked for the form so I could go to the DVM when I was ready and felt that I needed it, but my doctor ordered it for me instead.

I know he meant well. It was very nice of him. I am not taking offense. I didn't tell my kids that I got it. I didn't hang it on my rear view mirror. But I tucked it away underneath my seat...because I don't need it.................Not yet......Not today.

I'll decide when I do.