Nothing came out the way I meant it yesterday...I probably just should have bit my lip, and stayed off of here....But I was hiding, I think, and maybe taking it out on everyone who gave me something to be ticked off about...

Let me explain….

I got a phone call Friday night, from the husband of a good friend of mine....she and I have been friends for 30 years. He had to track me down through some other friends, because I kind of lost touch with her after I married my last husband. She didn't like him, and she worried about me marrying him. So it was just 'easier' to stay away from her....you know? I don't think she ever felt that way about it, but I did. I guess I was more afraid that she would be disappointed in me for making a mistake, than I was about what she would say to me.

Anyway, her husband called to tell me that she is dying of breast cancer, and she's been asking for me....They just told her....I guess they have tried everything they have in their arsenal, and it still came back. They have given her only a few months to live.

I never imagined my life without her...you know? We have been friends for so long, that I guess I thought she would be there whenever I decided to pick up the phone to call her again…and I would have. But now…he was telling me that he's taking her to the beach this weekend...and they will be home tomorrow...

We love the beach, her and I...and we spent lots of time there together once upon a time. I don't know if I told you or not...but my last husband is not the first man who has left me a widow...and she and I spent lots of time there together when that happened 20 years ago. There's something so soothing about the sound of waves when you need to heal your heart or soul. I know that you know what I mean about that…that’s why they sell CD’s with nothing but the sound of waves on them. I imagine that's what she's doing this weekend...trying to get used to the idea that she's dying. But how do you do that? And what do I say to her to make that any easier for her?

She’s such a happy, loving, compassionate soul...and SHE was always the one who knew just what to do and say for everyone else.... I've gone over and over it in my mind… what I'm going to say to her tomorrow...but really I guess I won't know what I'll say until I hear her voice on the phone.

What DO you say to someone who's just found out they are going to die in a few months? Do you know? I mean, if it was just about her leaving a motel before I got there, or something like that, I'd probably call her up, and say, "Hey bitch!! What's this shit I hear about you checking out on me?!" But, would that work for THIS....???

I just dread it so much...and I've been crying for two days...They say that things like this happen sometimes, to remind you that you don’t have it all as rough as you think you do. But I really have had it rough lately...and I don't know how many more losses I can take. I mean, is there some lesson that I am supposed to be learning here, that losing both parents and my husband, within a year and a half isn't enough?! Why her too?

I know that you probably don't have a clue what to say to me...and that's okay. Thank you for letting me 'talk' about it.....