Lost Love

Lost Love
I watched as the door opened ever so slowly, an inch at a time. She must think that I am asleep. That could be no further from the truth. The night was so long. In silence, but for the tick-tock of the clock and the crackling embers of a dying fire, I sat in wait. Waiting for her arrival; Waiting for her decision, waiting for her love. Now with the dawning of the day, my wait is at last over. The light from outside shines upon her, even though the room I am in, is veiled in shadows. Her golden hair shimmers as the sun shines upon it; I envy the rays of the sun as they entangle themselves within her beautiful long locks. Her face is a face I long to touch, her lips I long to kiss, her beautiful body to possess. Nevertheless, once more I must wait; for now, we must talk.
As I stand, she turns toward me. The look in her eyes is at once apprehensive, then composed. She does not speak, but stands expectantly waiting for the question I must ask.
“Where were you last night, Toni?”

For a moment, she paused. In that moment, my fear of the unknown becomes stronger than my need to know. Of their own volition, my arms cross my chest and my feet begin to back away. I want to run, not walk, as far away as possible. I am afraid the truth will be a sword in my chest. Then, with gentle hands and a warm touch she calms the quaking of my soul.
“Toni, where were you last night,” I asked again. This time I did not have to wait for her answer.
“I had to go somewhere to think. I just cannot think clearly while I am here.”
“I have one more question then. Was he there?”
“John, there is no ‘he’,” she said. “At least, not the way you mean.”
“Then, please explain this to me, Toni. I do not understand the distance between us. I do not understand why you did not come home last night. You are becoming a stranger to me, and I can’t understand why.”
“It’s complicated,” she said, as she creeps back into the shadows of the room. As she sat in the chair I had just spent the night in, I could feel her once again distancing herself from me.

Sitting on the ottoman in front of her, I asked the obvious question, “What can be so complicated?” I leaned toward her, wanting to look into her eyes, wanting to find the truth in them, wanting to close the gap growing between us.
“I haven’t been completely honest with you. No…please, let me finish this while I still have the courage to do so.” She paused once more and I held my breath. I could hear my heartbeat thundering in my ears. Then she spoke again. “There was another man in my life. His name was Bobby. Recently, he has come back. Not in reality but in my dreams.”
But, Toni if you are telling me the truth now, they are only dreams. How can you let them, him, come between us? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“There is more, John. I lost Bobby. He died in a horrible car accident. I, on the other hand, cheated death. I was supposed to be with him in that car. I was supposed to die with him. Now, in my dreams, he has come back to get me,” she said as tears began to shimmer in her eyes.
“Toni, that is ridiculous. No, it is insane! For the last two weeks, I’ve been going crazy with worry. I thought there was another man in your life. You do not really believe this man can reach you from the grave. That is impossible

The tears, now, flowed freely down her face. I knelt beside her and held her close. When she could finally speak again, she said, “John, you don’t understand these dreams. Every night I have them. The funny thing is, they do not repeat. They just go on and on, it is like watching a movie of my life, but they seem to be leading to my death. Last night I did not even sleep. I just kept driving until I saw that the sun was rising. I am so tired.”
“Toni, my love, of course you are. Why did not you tell me about this before today? I’ve always told you that you could tell me anything; that you could trust me.”
“I know John, but this is different from anything I’ve ever dealt with before. I was afraid that if I spoke of the dreams and Bobby, the whole nightmare would become a reality. I do not want to lose your love. If the dreams come true, I will lose you.”
“Toni, that is silly. I refuse to believe our love will be lost. Just believe in us.”
Toni nodded her head, “Yes, John I love you and I know you love me. However, Bobby loved me first. I do not think he will let me go. He is coming back for me.”
“I do love you and this dream boy is not going to take you from me. In fact, I know you must be exhausted. I did not sleep either, so we are going to fight your ghost together. Baby, please trust me. Let’s make our own dreams come true.” I stood up pulling her gently with me. We moved to the sanctity of our bed. We made love as we had never made love before, as if our lives depended upon it. Afterwards, she laid her head upon my chest, where she fell into the depths of an endless sleep.

Written the 22 day of October, 2003