Lost Someone to Suicide Ten Years Ago, and it Still Hurts Today.
Lost Someone to Suicide Ten Years Ago, and it Still Hurts Today.
Tonight, I was listening to the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan, and I was reminded of a friend of mine. This song came on the radio, when I was in high school, nearly a decade ago now, on the day I found out he had taken his own life at the age of seventeen.
I've lost many people, but none hit me so hard as Josh's death. As much as I loved my grandfather with all my heart, I was happy to see his long suffering ended, when he died due to complications resulting from Parkinsons at a nice elderly age.
The day I found out, I had to hear it from a boy in my class, who I didn't get along with, and who simply found it "kind of interesting that one of those twins had killed himself very early that morning." I remember becoming angry with this kid for even suggesting such a thing, as Josh was my friend and "would have come to me for help if he needed it." How dare he semi-jokingly suggest that Josh was dead!
I ran to where I knew Josh's closest friends would be hanging out in the school yard, just to prove to myself that the boy in my class was wrong. As I approached, the scene wasn't encouraging. Neither Josh, nor his twin brother, was present. And, their closest friends were much quieter, more sober than usual.
What I heard was the last thing I wanted to believe was true. Josh had gotten into a fight with his father the night before, found himself unable to stay at his girlfriends house that night, went up into the national park mountains near his house, led a hose from his exhaust pipe through his window, lit a stick of incense, put an Ozzy Osbourne tape in, smoked a cigarette, and fell asleep.
Seventeen years old, not even out of high school yet, and he couldn't find something to live for. As I got into the car, to go home, tears streaming down my face, having gone through a group therapy session hosted by the school, "Angel" came on the radio. What little success I'd had in controlling my emotions flew out the window.
The memorial service put on by the school, a few nights later, didn't provide the healing I thought it may. I had written a poem for Josh, that his parents (though they had never met me) were kind enough to allow me to go on stage and recite. I had planned on giving a small speech, following the poem, but found myself incapable of doing so. It was all I could do to just finish the last line of the poem, staring down at the paper so as to avoid eye contact. I ran off stage, and into the lobby area of the auditorium where no one else was, to ball loudly, scream, and cry.
His viewing was much better. He was there! And, he looked like he was just sleeping. So, my emotions didn't get the best of me, and I was much more useful to other people who, like me, were struggling with losing him and needed help.
Something his brother said, at his viewing, still lingers in my mind. It was so heart wrenching. I looked toward the back of the funeral parlor, as I was walking away from Josh's casket. I noticed his twin sitting alone in the back. I sat down next to him, hoping I could offer a shoulder to cry on, at the very least. The instrumental playing on the speakers overhead, he told me, was "The Unforgiven II" by Metallica. Apparently, it had been Josh's favorite song. His twin looked at me, tears gathering in his throat, and said, "He was teaching me how to play it on the guitar. Now... I'll have to learn alone." It was the one time, at his viewing, other then when I had to be kicked out the next day at closing time, when I had come back for one last goodbye, that I wanted to break down into tears and very nearly did.
The funeral wasn't as bad as the memorial service, but I still felt like I wouldn't be able to get through it. Today, he's resting, and I do hope it's in a better place.
They say not to listen when someone threatens suicide. They say that those people just want attention, because if they were serious, they wouldn't tell anyone about it. They're wrong. Josh threatened suicide for about a year or two before he succeeded in taking his own life. Maybe he did want attention, but he obviously needed it as well. And, obviously, he was serious with his statement. We all listened to the experts, and didn't think much of it. We all thought, "He's just being a rebellious teenage boy, and he wouldn't threaten it, especially so often, if he was actually serious about going through with it." We were wrong.'
Rest in peace Josh. May you live forever in our hearts and memories.
Submitted by death | Diary & Journal | dying | friendship | loved ones lost | suicide
Yes it hurts and sometimes time does not heal.
I appreciate your comment. It's been ten years, and I usually deal with death well, just not when it's the young, or as the result of suicide. :(
can indeed be very traumatic and may require a long time to heal or get a closure... as there are so many things that are left unfinished...!
Can understand why you are unable to forget so easily!
Unfortunately working on a psychiatric unit this is an all to common sight . It's so often an impulsive act on the part of the person which is so difficult to predict and its very hard for us to get over to people the effect on those they would leave behind so + 2 for a well written article , would it be all right for me to use it at work with some of the young ones?? Because we get far too many who threaten it without really understanding the consequences.
The pain does start to change over time , It doesn't stop hurting but it does stop having so much of a daily impact.
Big hugs!
I don't mind if you use my article at work. I actually wrote it because I was hoping that it might help someone, in some small way, that Josh's death might have a silver lining, in perhaps saving the life of another.
It doesn't help, for me, that my sister-in-law also took her own life, about three years ago. Logically, I know that neither incident is my fault. But, emotionally, I can't help feeling like there was something, in both cases, that I could have done, should have done, and was too stupid to figure out before it was too late.
Both times, the impact their suicide had on friends and family was, and is still, dramatically hurtful. And, I know that neither of them wanted to hurt anyone. They just wanted the pain to stop. They didn't realize that so many cared so very much, and would have gone to the ends of the earth to pull them out of the fire, if only they had known how high the flames were crawling.
And, thank you for the hugs. :) I needed them. And, please, do use this at work, if you think that it might reach even just one person who is considering ending his or her own life.
I have had the same experiences with some friends: I've felt responsable for the suicides in some ways... but I wasn't!
I think, people cannot find a reason to come back to life and all is a long process, you cannot change in few moments.
Like I said, logically I know that I'm not at fault. But, it's just had to prevent myself from dwelling in the land of what if. For the most part I don't. It's less and less each year that I dwell on what happened and whether or not there was anything I could do. But, since my sister in law committed suicide a few years ago, it's kind of come flooding back full force again. Josh was my first experience with successful suicide though, and I was actually closer to him. So, he is the one that sticks with me every day, even if it's just in the back of my mind.
Thanks for your comment. Time does heal, but not nearly as well as I had hoped. And, every time I see a teenager who is depressed and struggling, or anyone who threatens suicide, I rush to remind them that a bad day today, doesn't mean a bad life in general or even a bad tomorrow.
I understand why Josh wanted to go. I won't lie, I've had those thoughts myself. And, I know he didn't understand what it would do to his friends and family. I know he probably didn't even think I won't notice, let alone cry ten years later, while writing about it on the internet, all because I heard a song that reminded me of the day he was discovered deceased. So, I'm not angry with him, and I never have been. I just wish he had been willing to hold on for a brighter tomorrow.
I wanted to add a comment that Josh's twin brother made to me, at his viewing, that I felt was important. It's a comment I'll never forget, that nearly ripped my heart right out, it's now in the ninth paragraph.
Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart, for your comments, and support, and hugs. :)
While living in Alaska I went through a few of those suicides, it isn't nice at all and the worse part is, they leave us and WE are the ones that have to deal with it, life sure isn't fair sometimes. *BIG* hugs to you, hang in there *Smiles*
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It's difficult to understand why someone would take his or her own life. But, we must go on and maybe do something in their memory or it will haunt us for the rest of our lives. You were a good friend and I hope his twin brother has been able to go on with his life. Thanks for sharing.
I am sorry to read about your lost. I know what you mean when you say experts say the person wants attention. Of course they want attention, they are calling out for help to anyone who will listen. Its so sad to read he threaten so many times. I hope his twin brother will be able to somehow find peace and be allow to go on with his life. Thanks for telling us your story.
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His twin has been able to move on, though the pain never does subside fully. Being a twin too, I think it's a lot more difficult for him to feel whole again.
My heart aches for you right now. :(
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It's easier to accept death when it's an older person who has lived a full life or when a person is sick and in pain. The blow left when someone dies suddenly, be it an accident or suicide is just a little harder to come to terms with. The pain never goes away, you just learn how to deal with it and in time, it is easier to bear.
You need few minutes to decide if you want to live...
The telephone, someone at the door or just a song can bring you back to life.
Sometimes such persons are just looking for a little reason to stay longer.
... not the fault of the murderers.
Who are the murderers? His parents! who could have reinforced the belief that EVERYTHING turns out well with Yeshua.
But the kid had to die, and I'm sure he did it in the best way. We who live are lucky to know the patience he could not show.
Rest in Peace Indeed,
With More Devotion to 
than Words Dare Express,
Uncle MythMan
commit suicide have given their parents no reason at all to believe they are even thinking of such a thing, and some even leave notes saying that no one is at fault.
If someone has decided that they truly do not want to live, it is almost impossible to convince them otherwise, but, if they share their intentions with us, we can at least encourage them to wait a while. Circumstances that make them feel this way may change drastically in a very short time.
Death is pretty final.
It hurts me too, but "let the dead bury their dead"---it's sad the boy had to go, but future boys might not have to.
I know this, because ~Yeshua~ is the reason *I* did not die when the opportunity was forced on me.
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Mman I am shocked by the statement you made calling the parents murders. It seems to me your vision is distorted, just what kind of salvation do you have? It isn't the kind I know about. And you are using the scripture out of context. What mades you think the young man had to go?
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If I say 'He didn't have to,' will that go back and change his decision? No? Okay.
I'm not saying, 'He had no other choice'; I'm saying he ~made~ no other choice. That kind of choice is one that one learns in infanthood, as I did.
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They had their problems, sure. All people do man. But, they weren't the ones who made the decision, and one could tell at his funeral that they had no idea he would ever make such a decision. They were virtually destroyed by what happened.
I'm a little shocked that you would say something like that in the first place, to be honest.
Either that, or he wasn't properly trained to fight his demons ... whichever one "floats your boat."
I'm just being practical about this. Blaming 'his parents'--I know--doesn't make them any more- or less guilty, but it does alert current- and future parents to one of their many responsabilities.
Maybe on Christ's return they can reinform the boy on the prosperity of life over that of death; but, until then, our forgiving them doesn't change the fact---a fact which might be justified by the example it gives of how to avoid the loss.
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Is gleaning a response at any cost truly worth it. . .
Wanna place blame on the end to a teenage boys muddled life?
How about placing it amongst his environment, peers, beliefs, lack of beliefs, etc? Was he an outcast? Pining endlessly over some girl? Pressured into drugs? Closet homosexual? Caught up in some cult? Who knows. Maybe his Dad was too strict and failed to build his self-esteem. But your way of putting it is overly coarse.
Many people consider suicide just from the everyday frustrations in life.
FreeCracker4Jack
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P.P.S. - I am sorry for the loss of your close friend.
People 'blame' because it (in their mind) sets the scales of justice equal so they can go on with their lives.
I 'place the blame' on his parents, but that's a short answer (like 'believe in Jesus' answers all your problems). That was why Jesus said, "Let the dead bury their dead"---because he and his disciples had living to do.
Maybe it was his dreams of the future that took the place of 'parents' in the mind of today versus the mind of the 19th century, and so 'mass-media' didn't train him properly; okay!
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The funny thing is your mis-use of the above quote.
Read more about it at the link below.
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I understand ... different context. Yet you deny the words their power (in your mind).
Since I am shameless, I'll explain: the 'bury their dead' Jesus was speaking of did not involve an already-dead body, but rather a body that had little else to do but live and die.
So he was ~really~ saying, "Let those who have little else to do but live and die take care of those who have little else to do but live and die."
Mourning your friend (of whom you can take no other care) is good to keep you from worrying about the pains of acheiving greatness.
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But, you know nothing about him, or them.
He was troubled, yes. He and his father apparently (though I wasn't there to witness it in person) did fight on occasion, and disagreed on much. Most teenage boys and their fathers have a similar relationship. But, not every teenage boy kills himself.
His parents loved him deeply, that much was obvious from the moment you met them. And, they tried very hard to do the very best they possibly could have. They succeeded in reaching one twin, who never felt unloved or under appreciated. The other twin was ever troubled, and ever lonely. Not even we, his friends and confidants, were able to reach him on a level that would enable him to want to hold on to his life.
Apparently, the night this happened, his father had decided to place him in a half-way house, having run out of viable options with which to help him. Josh had been in and out of various facilities specifically designed to reach and help troubled youth. He refused to go back, determined that he could not be helped by anyone.
He and his father supposedly fought, briefly, over this decision. Josh ran away, took his car, and ended his life that very night, after first visiting a friend or two, who weren't able to offer him what he needed.
Like many teenagers, most teens, he felt alone in the world. And none of us were able to convince him that he wasn't.
You're looking so hard to blame somebody. But, there really isn't anyone who can be legitimately or logically blamed for what happened.
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Okay, the parents were wonderful ... is their son alive yet?
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is supposed to heal all wounds. But sometimes Time does not do anything to ease the pain. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
its never easy to come to terms with a young boy's death. And teenage is too volatile. many a times teens dont want consolation or counselling. they feel they know best (maybe they do, its maybe the parents who dont know whats best). raising and being a teenager should be amongst the most difficult things God has intended, I guess
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