Tonight, I was listening to the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan, and I was reminded of a friend of mine. This song came on the radio, when I was in high school, nearly a decade ago now, on the day I found out he had taken his own life at the age of seventeen.

I've lost many people, but none hit me so hard as Josh's death. As much as I loved my grandfather with all my heart, I was happy to see his long suffering ended, when he died due to complications resulting from Parkinsons at a nice elderly age.

The day I found out, I had to hear it from a boy in my class, who I didn't get along with, and who simply found it "kind of interesting that one of those twins had killed himself very early that morning." I remember becoming angry with this kid for even suggesting such a thing, as Josh was my friend and "would have come to me for help if he needed it." How dare he semi-jokingly suggest that Josh was dead!

I ran to where I knew Josh's closest friends would be hanging out in the school yard, just to prove to myself that the boy in my class was wrong. As I approached, the scene wasn't encouraging. Neither Josh, nor his twin brother, was present. And, their closest friends were much quieter, more sober than usual.

What I heard was the last thing I wanted to believe was true. Josh had gotten into a fight with his father the night before, found himself unable to stay at his girlfriends house that night, went up into the national park mountains near his house, led a hose from his exhaust pipe through his window, lit a stick of incense, put an Ozzy Osbourne tape in, smoked a cigarette, and fell asleep.

Seventeen years old, not even out of high school yet, and he couldn't find something to live for. As I got into the car, to go home, tears streaming down my face, having gone through a group therapy session hosted by the school, "Angel" came on the radio. What little success I'd had in controlling my emotions flew out the window.

The memorial service put on by the school, a few nights later, didn't provide the healing I thought it may. I had written a poem for Josh, that his parents (though they had never met me) were kind enough to allow me to go on stage and recite. I had planned on giving a small speech, following the poem, but found myself incapable of doing so. It was all I could do to just finish the last line of the poem, staring down at the paper so as to avoid eye contact. I ran off stage, and into the lobby area of the auditorium where no one else was, to ball loudly, scream, and cry.

His viewing was much better. He was there! And, he looked like he was just sleeping. So, my emotions didn't get the best of me, and I was much more useful to other people who, like me, were struggling with losing him and needed help.

Something his brother said, at his viewing, still lingers in my mind. It was so heart wrenching. I looked toward the back of the funeral parlor, as I was walking away from Josh's casket. I noticed his twin sitting alone in the back. I sat down next to him, hoping I could offer a shoulder to cry on, at the very least. The instrumental playing on the speakers overhead, he told me, was "The Unforgiven II" by Metallica. Apparently, it had been Josh's favorite song. His twin looked at me, tears gathering in his throat, and said, "He was teaching me how to play it on the guitar. Now... I'll have to learn alone." It was the one time, at his viewing, other then when I had to be kicked out the next day at closing time, when I had come back for one last goodbye, that I wanted to break down into tears and very nearly did.

The funeral wasn't as bad as the memorial service, but I still felt like I wouldn't be able to get through it. Today, he's resting, and I do hope it's in a better place.

They say not to listen when someone threatens suicide. They say that those people just want attention, because if they were serious, they wouldn't tell anyone about it. They're wrong. Josh threatened suicide for about a year or two before he succeeded in taking his own life. Maybe he did want attention, but he obviously needed it as well. And, obviously, he was serious with his statement. We all listened to the experts, and didn't think much of it. We all thought, "He's just being a rebellious teenage boy, and he wouldn't threaten it, especially so often, if he was actually serious about going through with it." We were wrong.'

Rest in peace Josh. May you live forever in our hearts and memories.