In her hurry to find you a mate, mother forgot to inform you about a few things that you may encounter when living with somebody. This may be because she became accustomed to overlooking them or maybe they were taboo subjects that she felt uncomfortable speaking about. Either way, you deserve fair warning - so here goes.

1. GAS EXPULSION

Even though all humans are capable of it, apparently, only the males are supposed to do this loud and proud when others are within earshot. It seems to be akin to a proud gorilla thumping its chest in victory and are especially tickled when there are other males present - more so if they run from the room gagging and cursing. However, when a female does this out loud, she should be ashamed and embarrassed or find something to blame the noise on like a nearby sleeping pet or creaking floorboard.

2. ILLNESS

Females in a household must never get sick; should this ever happen, it is pretty much a guarantee that the male will become deathly ill very soon thereafter - sometimes within minutes. So much so, that the female will need to recover immediately in order to care for her mate.

3. SLEEP

The females best bet is to go to bed first in order to fall asleep before the male does and begins to snore (not that women don’t snore, but…). There is also the issue of “sleep fights” this is not a form of domestic violence, but rather a carelessly flung arm, elbow or fist that one spouse or the other accidentally hits their sleeping mate in the face with. The bed is also where one learns that a “Dutch oven” is not for baking “Dutch bread”.

4. BATHROOM

The female will need a lot of shelf space in the bathroom for all of her necessities, she will also need plenty of time to complete all of the steps that maintain her appearance. One should also keep a high quality air freshener in the washroom for obvious reasons. The female will also need to become accustomed to replacing the toilet paper roll because the male seems to have great difficulty accomplishing this task. He may also need reinstruction from time to time on how put the toilet seat back down.

5. CLOSET SPACE

Unless each spouse has their own room, closet space will have to be shared. In order to enable this, the female will likely have to toss out many articles that the male has been hanging on to, and no longer has any need for. All articles that the female has kept will no doubt be very useful at some point in the future, and will be putting any excess space in the closet to good use.

6. DINING

Most males will eat anything if they think it will please their spouse, also if it will get them out of having to cook on a regular basis. It would be a smart thing to keep a good restaurant on speed dial for the days it is the male’s “turn to cook”.

7. DRIVING

Males love to drive. The bigger and faster the vehicle, the better. When driving, if there are any cars ahead of him on the road, they must be caught and passed. Males tend to get very anxious when females express a desire to drive. This is partly due to the fact that it is up to the female to navigate, as well as watch for signs and turn-offs. There is also apparent worry about curbs and wheel alignment as well as paint jobs. When the male finally consents to the female’s driving, he suddenly becomes very imaginative, by pretending that he has his own brake pedal on the passenger side of the vehicle.

8. REMOTE CONTROL

Even though the remote would seem to be a shared responsibility, it primarily stays with the male. It will even remain clutched in his hand while he naps between programs and reflexively hangs on tighter when the female attempts to pry it loose. Should the remote ever become lost, the male would become extremely agitated and anxious as a child who has lost his security blanket. The male apparently needs this accessory to flick through the channels stopping only to check the scores on sports center or to watch a program when the female has found a chore for him or when she needs to talk. The female often has this need to verbalize her emotions especially when the male has actually found a show that he likes and will make a point of standing in front of the television and speaking to him when something climactic is about to happen or when there is a part he needs to hear.

Co-habitation can be a very rewarding and enlightening event in a person’s life. Men and women have many differences that can make for an interesting and wonderful combination. May you and your mate be happy and experience joy every single day. Viva la difference!

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