Modern Day Relationships are Harder than those of the Past!!

Modern relationships are fascinating. They are challenging and I believe that the simplicity and formulaic routine of the past that they lack is perhaps causation for an increased rate of divorce. But let’s not talk about divorce. I’m not even married yet.

“Gone are the days where you dated in high school or college and then he slapped a ring on your finger after graduation,” I said to my mother this morning. “If that were the case I’d just be saying ‘ok dear’ as I packed the boxes.”

We were discussing a topic that has been on both mine and Kevin’s minds since I arrived in NYC – “What are we going to do if he has to move again?”

Kevin came home from a business trip last night and, after some company restructuring, just isn’t sure he needs to be in NYC anymore. I’ve been working in New York for two weeks now. We’ve just finally started to settle in. I sold my car, we signed a fifteen-month lease on an apartment, and we bought a TV and a couch and a year membership to a gym. We’re set up which, of course, is perfect timing for another “move discussion.”

When Kevin told me he was thinking of moving to NYC about 6 months ago, I didn’t much question it. As complicated as it may seem, it was an easy decision to make. I loved him, and hell, it was New York. The move proved to be a positive one for me, advancing my career to a new level. I was excited about going back east, about moving to the Big Apple, and most significantly, about being with him.

And here we are, sitting in the same exact spot that we were in June up on Mulholland Drive. Sure, our clothes are a bit heavier and our wallets perhaps a bit lighter, but the situation is the same.

It brings me to a conversation about relationships in this modern day where women work just as much as their men. We hold careers, not jobs, and yet our hearts haven’t much evolved like our career-driven minds. We still can’t help but be hopelessly in love to the point of sacrificing it all. Do men expect us to work or did we just bring that on ourselves? And if they expect us to work (I’m not complaining) then should we be equal partners when it comes to deciding whose career to put first at any particular moment? I changed gears with my career so I could move to be with Kevin. It wasn’t a problem. I’m happy with that choice. The question is, is it his turn? Are we a team that now has to say “once for you, once for me?” Does he need to step aside and say, “I can survive here. I can thrive here. I need to step back for a year or two while she moves forward.”?

Another thing to bring to mind here is the fact that we aren’t married. Part of me wants to say, “null and void – nothing matters without the ring –we’re just dating.” But so much more of me wants to argue a more liberal point – what is marriage if not a commitment to each other? Do we have to go down to the courthouse just to prove that we’re in this for the long haul? If that’s the case, I’ll do it tomorrow. I’m fully ready to move forward as a team, but the question is am I ready to expect that he do the same.

This morning he was willing. “I brought you here and you need to be here,” he said. Part of me is scared he’ll resent not moving forward for himself rather than as a team, but the other part says it is my time to be selfish. I’ll always be there for him when it boils down to it and he needs to have occasion to do the same for me. That says more than any vow or any ring or any license.

Would it be easier if I had no choice? Thirty years ago I’d look down at my ring and say, “This is what’s best for us,” and I’d pick up and move to the next spot. I’m not asking to back track. Our mothers and grandmothers worked very hard so that we could chose – the right to chose, the right to vote, the right to equal work, the right to not marry without being deemed an old maid. I’m proud of that and I’m honored.

When I was younger, my mother told me that I was to learn and study and become independent – that I should work hard, and know myself, and value my self worth – all of this so that I could fall in love with a man not because I needed him, but simply because I loved him.

We’ll I’ve done that. At 24 I’d consider myself pretty successful. I’m on the upward track and I know myself quite well. I know the good and the bad, where I’ve come from and where I should be going. I know I can build a desk or change a tire, and I also know I’m not so great at baking a cake (though I know where to buy a pretty damn good one). I can support myself and therefore I can love whomever I choose. Well I choose him. Dammit, I choose him. And now I’m sitting here wondering if this choice will give me no choice. She told me working hard would allow me to love because of love not because of need. I think she miscalculated what need is. No I don’t need his money or his power or his future abilities. I just need him.

With every female generation there are sacrifices. Our grandmothers sacrificed careers so they could have a family. Our mothers sacrificed family so they could have a career. And now, our generation is supposed to do it all and I’m not convinced we can give both categories our 100%. My mother taught me to work hard so I could love anyone I wanted, but what happens when the one you want makes working really hard?