Monster DIVORCE. by Jen Donier

I completely agreed with you, and parents don't realize that. But, sometimes when they do they remain in the realtionship and they go through a lot, so is both ways. If parents get divorce, the children suffer and if they do divorce, parents suffer.

An adult divorcing a spouse is difficult, but in most cases, adults can learn to deal with the loss and continue with their life.
Children are not like that they are easy to hurt, specially if their parents don't solve their marriage problems. Kids have different visions of things, their sufferance is multiplied because they cannot perceive things like grownups. This is why a divorce can be a real trauma, not to mention what follows next.

First 90% of divorce is totally unnecessary. Most couples fall in and out of love through-out their marriage. Men and women alike let their eyes wander where they ought not and too many act upon the impulse. LUST not love of the moment. Some choose to pick at little things like leaving dirty clothes on the floor or hubby loses his hair or wife gains weight. NONE are valid or good reasons for divorce and all based on SELFISHNESS. Then people leave God out of the equation and yes I am all to aware of many on this site who think there is no God. Your problem not mine. Your choice. Even so basic human decency tells us to treat others as you would want them to treat you. But people don't do that. While they want to be treated with respect and honesty, pampered, loved etc. They don't give the same regard to someone else.

Adultry is NOT a valid reason for divorce. Couples can and have worked past it. Obesity isn't either nor is I don't like it she squeezes the toothpaste in the middle. Or I hate his crass crude jokes. Most couples one or both bolt at the least little thing run to throw thousands of dollars down a rat hole while attorney sharks smile all the way to the bank. Leaving in their wake broken hearts and homes that never ever fully recover.

Few get counseling and most if they do want to play the blame game. Yes game. Neither wants to be adult or listen beyond their own selfish purpose. Few ever choose reconcilation or apologize or even try. The courts make it all to easy to get divorce.

As to adults suffering and staying togather. Better them than the children suffering. Children get so broken they grow up jaded and full of anger at everyone and don't know who they can trust and so repeat the vicious cycle of hatered generated by their parents. Some few break free of it.

Are there reasons for divorce? Yes, Fraud, lying from the get go and abuse especially physical abuse. Though at times this too can be rectified by counseling and perhaps medication. But not always.

As to the children. This government is crazy. If your going to have children BOTH parents need to be equally involved in their children's lives even if you do divorce and both adults should do everything they can to be civil and get along rather than bash and trash one another or to the children which all to commonly happens. Both should try and live nearby one and share joint custody. The parent should have first right of refusal every time before another sitter or day care is considered. If one parent is home when the kids get out of school the kids should have the right to go to that parents home after until the other parent gets off work. Birthdays should be shared. As should all special occasions but too many adults are to selfish to see this and consider it because it is all about them and thier happiness so they sacrifice the children on the alter of selfish greed.

I have seen way way to many unnecessary divorces and very unhappy children who grow up to be unhappy angry and often violent adults and criminals, abusive and hateful and totally mistrust everyone. My siblings children are all this way. Or at least the two who have had multiple marriages and divorces.

Divorcing and re-marrying someone else rarely solves the problems. Often you marry someone similar and often YOUR the problem. Kids grow up and begin to see it. Many times I have talked to kids from divorce where one or the other parent bad mouthed the dad or mom and when they finally are old enough to find out. They learn what a liar you have been though at times some are not lies. This evokes more anger, frustration and hatred and mis-trust.

IF parents get divorced they OWE it to children to get along and be civil and friendly and share the children equally and fairly. Rather than trash and bash the other parent. All too often however this is never the case. It only occurs on fairytales, and night time soaps. Sad.

I don't see where it gains someone to hold grudges, or be vindicitave toward a former spouse and or their ex family why carry around such garbage and resentment and anger and why feed it to your children?

I have been married to my one and only husband for 37 and half years. NOT always happily. We had many moments we could have called it quits. We didn't we talked and talked sometimes for hours and days. We worked it out and moved on.

90% of divorces NEVER need to occur and we would have a healthier happier society. With much happier well rounded children. This is the truth and anyone thinking otherwise has mental and emotional issues and needs some deep long term counseling and self examination.

Debbie the woman never loved my son, she doesn't even love herself. The kids are of an age now they see mom for the liar she is and how really selfish she is. She refuses to provide any medical insurance for them. Her kids needed and went without glasses for two years though teachers repeatedly stated they needed them. The courts gave her all medical care and decisions, religious and educational.

It is my son who goes to the parent teacher conferences and award assemblies because mom can't be bothered. He pays out of pocket for medical though he can barely afford to. He has tried to get medical on them but has been told because he does not have custody he cannot get it. He lives on a fixed permanent Social Security income. He cannot get Washington State basic health or other medical coverage unless he can get 50/50 custody and the courts won't give it nor will his ex.

She cannot afford medical but she can afford brand new bedroom furniture and brand new living room furniture and a new car.

Her daughter now eleven hates the clothes her mom chooses for her. She hates them because she says her peers call them SLUT clothes and it is what her mom wears. Her mom repeatedly states she wants her daughter to be JUST like HER.

Her daughter says though mom re-married she kisses other guys behind husband # 2's back.

The woman doesn't know what real love is. It is all about her and her own self gratification. Her daughter nearly died when she had a twisted ovary because my son's ex refused to take her to the doctor. She kept complaining for two weeks of abdominal pain. The ex told her it was gas and to lie down. She came to stay the weekend with my son. She woke up in agony and a high fever.

We rushed her to the hosptial and found she had a gangrened twisted ovary this was two years ago now. She nearly died. It took 2 days to track down her mom and get her consent to operate and remove the ovary. The doctors could not do it without her okay because she had custody and didn't want to answer her phones or be bothered. We finally got ahold of her mom who knew where she was and was nasty until we told her her granddaughter had hours and then she would die. Then we got results.

Did the courts care NO. Mom still has custody. Both kids can hardly wait until they turn 12 to choose to petition the courts to live with their dad who is always there for them. School officials and medical staff will back this up. Love has nothing to do with it.

The courts are in favor of women way way to often and they are NOT always the better parent in fact more and more it is showing they are not.

She even stated it was about having kids to get custody for the MONEY and the kids have heard this more than once.

No divorce is seldom the best answer. There should be laws to enforce mandantory six months of counseling before marriage for one and six months before a divorce is granted. This would probably result in a lot less divorce and people marrying for the wrong reasons. Mostly sex and self-gratification and thinking when I marry I can change the other person. Too many marry way to young and are too immature and too many have outside influences pulling them away from their marriage. Old ex's, meddling siblings or parents or neighbors.

Too bad most couples could not just move far away from that for at least a year or two.

There are circumstances where in divorce is necessary. Fraud, abuse, cruelty. And counseling does nothing to improve it. To bad the person who is the primary reason for the problems cannot wear a bit neon warning sign around the neck. BEWARE!

But many divorces are plain done on pure insignificant petty issues that with counseling can be resolved and the problem is our legal system thrives on misery. Rather than encourage and even mandate counseling they allow "irreconcilable differences" which can cover anything from I don't like the way their breath smells in the morning to some really huge and valid reasons for divorcing. The bad breath reason easily fixed but usually it is more, often they just want out because the pasture looks greener elsewhere.

In my son's case she divorced him when he became disabled and could no longer work to support the family. I know not all divorces are like that or marriages. My sister divorced and shacked up so many times her kids turned out bitter, jaded and angry. She simply liked playing around and could or rather would not be faithful and she was another one who should never have been given custody. Same with one of my sisters in law. However the other SIL one brother was a jerk, still is a jerk, mean, abusive, controlling and an alcoholic and blames the world for his short comings.

I have seen both sides of the coin and I hear people make jokes of how well if they find something better after a year there is divorce. So they marry but don't mean it. Sad.

Too many people think that love is that feeling you get inside. The butterflies when you're in the same room with that other person. The tingly feelings all over the body...Love is not a feeling, but an action. True love is a choice to persevere and endure everything about the other person. It's not to give up because there is no more passion in the bedroom. It's not to give up because you've become strangers to each other. If you make love an action, I think the feelings will come back. They might not stay steady all of the time, but that's why it's called love. You stick with the person no matter what. Don't get me wrong. I've been through a divorce, too. I was married the first time way too young. Maybe the wife was way too immature to get married in the first place. I don't know either one of them personally, so it's not my place to say. I just know, now, that love is not a feeling. That's more what I'd call lust (which is negative), and sometimes passion (if it's positive).

For my son the love was there and he still after 7 years retains feelings for his ex though now more toward amiciblicty and trying to get along.

For her NO the love was never there. Our was son was cautioned by many to NOT marry the Girl for girl she was and not ready for marriage. Furthermore her agenda has always been monetary gain over anything else. She rates love with success, looking good and material wealth.

She won't get medical insurance for the kids or take them to the doctor or dentist unless forced but can afford nice new things for herself. She dresses in expensive clothes and likes to show off. She only wants to kids for the child support and taxes and the kids have heard her tell this to their step-dad and to their aunt.

He loved her but she didn't love him ever, he learned later her and her sister she buddies with both had a plan to marry, have children divorce within 5 years, move in togather, collect child support and screw over more guys they could get to be with them. His ex told him he was a sucker and laughed at him.

She tells my son repeatedly in front of their children when they do meet that she is a "Better class than him" ????? This from a girl who whored around before marriage lying she was raped, later my son learned she had not ever been raped. messed around behind his back when he was at work and even now in her second marriage cheats on her new husband. Where is the love. One of her diaries she left behind states that she only feels real love when she has sex. Which is NOT love at all but lust and self-gratification. She doesn't know how to love.

She came from a home twice broken in divorce and her dad is in a mental hospital. She is estranged from her older sister and she refuses counseling of any kind. My son came from a home where marriage and love shone through and we his parents stayed togather and worked on our marriage, still are. He wanted a marriage like ours. He dated to other women since and both fell apart within months. Both wanted a man to provide for them. His money should be theirs and so should theirs.

Both wanted him to give up his children and once they learned he could not have more children they dumped him. Said he was not contributing either financially though he used his income to pay the rent, plus he stayed home,cooked, kept the house clean, did the shopping and ran their kids around to school functions and appointments.

He went back with one for a bit but learned quickly she had others in the side wings. She kept pressurizing him when he would get his SSD settlement and once he got it he paid money back to us from loans he got, and put all the rest of the money in my name where she could not access it.

When she asked him about it he told her he gave the money to his mom. She told him then well since he did that and was not going to buy a house for her and her kids she wanted him not to come around again.

He was like when did I ever say I would buy you a house. He then realized she was after money same as his ex wife and ex girlfriend before her. What is the matter with women today under 35?

Oh I know not all are like that but many too many are. I have four neices like that they call themselves "Hustlers" Think it is funny to get a man to spend money on them and when tired of them dump them and if they can get pregnant to boot then get child support too. This is wrong and very sick.

I hope you didn't think I was trying to say that your son didn't love his ex-wife. I was immediately thinking of his ex-wife never loving him. This sounds strikingly similar to what happened to my husband with his first wife. (I am his second wife. I just wanted to clarify that since I used the word first. A lot of people might've been wondering just how many wives he'd had). She told my mother in law that she wanted to get pregnant as early as 18, but since she got pregnant at 19 that it wasn't too bad. She was the reason he had to drop out of college. When he met me I was teaching and supporting myself. We got married, and I helped him finish college. Can you believe she wanted me to send her child support out of MY bank account? We started doubling up child support payments after he graduated from college, and found out she was all of the sudden able to afford satellite t.v. and lots of electronics and video games from the mall. That's not what the child support is for! I could go on and on. I try not to judge. I know it's not Christian. So what I think is how sorry I feel for these types of women. If they'd stop looking at the money they could have found a real treasure in the men who tried to put up with them. I'm not complaining too much about her. After all, if she didn't do what she did then my husband wouldn't have ever met me. He's mine now, and I don't treat him like a cash cow.

I have seen this occur over and over and I have seen this pattern when especially young women come from not once but twice or more broken homes. Raised by women who are bitter toward men, hate men and consider that all men owe them something. One man destroys the trust of the mom and she passes her bitterness, anger, hurt and hatred on to her children. They are angry because every man after DAD shacked with does not stick around so they even more blame the men. Not realizng that MOM maybe the problem. My sister went through three marriages and 12 other relationships while her kids were growing up.

She would get the child support from her first husband. Buy the kids a movie to watch and some sweets, get someone cheap to babysit and spend the rest of the check of $400.00 on herself. Her kids were constantly in rags and stained clothing. School time they got a new pair of shoes, necessary school supplies and three new to them outfits from thrift stores.

Both my ex sisters in law did the same thing after married to my brothers divorced them took the kids, had multiple relationships married again, divorced again and every one of my nieces is repeating this pattern. As is my now ex daughter in law also from a twice broken home and her mom had six other relationships in between marriages. Another DIL has the same attitude and it is a matter of time before she splits with my oldest son.

All the signs are there. She has now pretty much isolated him from his siblings and us. He rarely even contacts us. Not even for birthdays or holidays the past 18 months. She too from a twice broken home with mom having had on the side relationships.

I have seen the same with other women from more than once broken homes where MOM not DAD had shack ups between marriages. These women end up hating all men, don't know why, think men are to be abused and then dumbed and always seeking the next victim while with another. I have seen this over and over again and talked to women who think there is nothing wrong with "HUSTLING MEN" for money and what they can get out of them, always looking for another one. Getting pregnant is part of the game and provides money NOT for the kids but for them. A lot of these women are rude, hostile, confrontational and think ALL men should be abused and that no men are good but for money and sexual gratification.

Most refuse or do not think they need counseling and they really do. Some have been sexually molested by one or more of MOM's ex boyfriends or husbands. My sister was molested by our dad as was I. I got counseling she refused it said she didn't need it. I broken the cycle and pattern. She has continued it in her family and on with her girls. They are man haters. Many get into social work as CPS workers or Child support workers or attornies and do everything they can to destroy a relationship they do NOT ever advocate for marriage counseling or working things out.

My other DIL stuck by my younger son. She came from a loving home with long time married parents. Some things occured brought on we learned later by my other DIL still married to my olderest son she is an attorney. She lied about things, lied to CPS with false accusations that NEVER happened. CPS disregarded family medical history and took younger sons daughter at 2 months of age claiming he had thrown her and broken her ribs at the back upper shoulder area. Problem was the time frame never matched the medical examiner said the broken ribs were broken and in semi state of healing over three months. What they refused to listen to is Scoliosis and Spina Bifida run in our family. My husband one son has it. Other relatives have it. They would not EVEN TEST for it. CPS took her. Because one DIL want the other ones daughter because she only had sons. She literally lied, we have documented proof of it. She tried to talk her sister in law and once best friend into divorcing my younger son. My other DIL refused. They do now have their baby back she will be two in September.

The DIL who stirred up lies, cost my younger son his job etc and other hurts is an attorney. She knew she lied. She tried to take me to court on trumped up charges but we had proof she was lying and told our oldest son she better call of the dogs or she would LOSE her bars permantly she is full of hate, abuses my oldsest son and we all know it.

Yup she is a man hater. Came from a twice broken home, focus, MONEY, did NOT want boys, wanted girls. Angry younger son married her best friend. Needless to say they are no longer friends. Her mom too had in between lovers. I see way to much of this and society blithely and blindly turns away. Unless she gets counseling she won't change and sooner or later my older son and her will divorce. I suspect within a year or two. She hates her older brother, hates all my other sons and son in law, hated her dad, hated her step dad.

VERY sad and the worst a lot of these women claim to be Christian but they aren't. They are full of hatred and vengence and vindictive.

I say forget her-- hire a private eye to either catcher or coerce her into doing something illegal on film then get her arrested and then help your son take custody from her --the kids will be better off while she "finds " herself. If not, the Mom will traumatize the kids and scar them for life--anything you have to do to protect them is worth it. They are children and we must help them. Your Son should fight with all his might and never give up, no whatever he has to do--all is fair in love and war. He will prevail.