I was a child Prodigy, but that all went to Clash when the Vibrators came to my school and gave everyone Transplants and made me the social Outkast. I mean, does it really matter if I like Bush more then the Butthole Surfers, although i do like to have a lotta Sex Pistols around to keep things interesting, so long as i can find the Cure for the ailments they brings, like the Hives i got when the Japanese Popstars I invited from Rwanda gave me that Massive Attack. Widespread Panic ensued, but people have told me that I was always a Wailer, even back in the Roots of my beginnings. But then I smoked some Canibus and just went completely Above & Beyond. It put me in some sort of Depeche Mode, it made me a Weezer. I was a Dizzee Rascal always roaming the Streets. But it also turned me into a Musiq Soulchild, and it opened up all the Doors for me.

I ended up in the Velvet Underground with Felix da Housecat, when this Tonedeff bastard was blaring on the mic. I put a Q-Tip in my ear to help ease the pain, but this guy was bad. This Daft Punk was A Boy Called Joni, and when I met him backstage he kept calling me weird names like Fatboy Slim and Biggie Smalls. He would say things like “lets get in the Van, Morrison or “who's the next person to Rob, Zombie??” and “why are you wearing Pink, Floyd??” If he was feeling Freak Nasty it was always “You know you wish I was yo' Trick, Daddy!” He used to call me a Radiohead cuz of my Apathy and Hatefor compact discs, he'd also call me an Audioslave for my love of commercial musicography. Joni had the weirdest accent, his orations sounded like hyenic gyrations; kinda like “man, Im Gladys Knight is over, the Pips hate drankin during the day and Yeah Yeah Yeahs, you know Mos Def I can Cee-Lo, but I can't cee-high no mo'.” When we met, he came up to me and just said, “Hey, do you Digweed??” and I said “of course, who doesn't.” So we hit the Freeway with a Hart full of Stamina and a bag full, Masomenos a few stems, of foliage; nothing but Kurupt dreams Andain-cient medicine. We were Demigodz of the A.M., Outlawz in the Digital Underground. It was The Amalgamation of Sounds if it was a Bedouin Soundclash.He gave me an Infected Mushroom as we got onto Paris Avenue, and as I was slipping into Delerium my whole Basic Perspective started to drift Way Out West. Young Parisians passed, walking their Pink Elephants and Le Tigre, until the latter gotta whiff of my man-meat and bolted towards me. The Quintette du Hot club de France was panicked, screaming out 'Hey Tiga, come back, come back here Tiga but I was cool like an Ice Cube, basking in my Sunlounger with Dilated Peoples and without a worry in sight.

Spooked out walking through the Streets, we met these Queens of the Stone Age. Althea & Donna, they must've been 112 apiece, and lemme tell you, neither of em was the virgin Madonna. We walked them up to Starbucks, and when I ordered my usual Goldfrapp, these Libertines looked like they were gonna have some sort of Crystal Method attack. I scanned the Atmosphere and looked over at my wingman, and he knew it was time to play some Jedi Mind Tricks on our Late Night Alumni, so he ordered himself a Pearl Jam. We looked like some real Thrillseekers, until we decided we had to go on a Van Hunt cuz my Motorcycle seemed like it was Built to Spill. As we strolled through the streets, we ran into some Manic Street Preachers talking all this gibberish about God Lives Underwater. Finally, when we were done Van Halen, and I turned to my Friday Night Posse and said “Morcheeba??” So we stopped by the Drugstore, and in no time we were smoking some Artificial Funk and making fun of the Afterlife, when one of the Brazilian Girls screamed out “HEY, the Dead Can Dance too,” I had to shoot her up with 10cc of adrenalin before she could even start her story about how she had always wanted to be in the Dream Dance Alliance. Apparently, she used to be some sort of Classified Project, and it wasnt long before they escaped and started hanging out with some Bad Company like us.

I was laid out on the beach watching the Blackstar and the lunar Clipse up in the sky until the Semisonicboom. When i got up, there was a mountain I named Sander Kleinenberg on my back, and it gotta few Kinks in my shorts. Thats when the Police came, and I gotta huge Sting in my arse, but he said “this is all far too Common, its all about the M-E-T-H-O-D, Man.” And thats how I got to Nirvana the first time, as the cop taught me how to really get lifted. Then some mysterious things started happening in the Earth, Wind and Fire. There were Rolling Stones falling off mountains and Led Zeppelins were falling from the sky and Tremors shook the ground. A famish lead the Faithless population to resort to a diet of Red Hot Chili Peppers, Eagles, Beatles and Fido and Dido and all the like. As they would Preach about the Magikal Allure of the Purple Haze, I realized there was a giant System of a Down somewhere in the main theorem of things.

I finally got back to my room, and there sitting on my bed, No Doubt, was a pretty lil Blondie with Flaming Lips, Nine Inch Nails and some Heavy Ds, saying she wanted to get the Strokes on my leg; I retorted with “So you'd like to see my Test Icicles?” It was Sublime as I put all of my Narcotic Thrust and emotion into her. We were roleplaying for a while; we were Wolf+Lamb, she pretended to be my UNKLE, I even went Maxi Priest in the confessional on her ass. She was Proper Filthy Naughty, and my friends said “dont go picking at that Barry, White”, but i told her “i want to make your Collective Soul Beck-on for me, I want you to be my Breeder and have all of my Offspring”, and we went out for a while and watched the Neptunes from my cozy beachpad in M.I.A.. She was my Muse for a week and she always made me Cream, but she went and bought me some Placebo one day that just didnt do the job, and Darude bitch just wouldnt stop talking, especially when i gave her Guns & Roses for our anniversary. Needless to say, she was less then satisfied. so I hopped on my Scooter and got the hell outta there, and we made A Perfect Circle back to the beginning of our Orgy.

I attended my Handsome Boy Modeling School prom with a buncha Fun Lovin Criminals. There were 4 Non Blondes, a N.E.R.D., a Free Radical, some Cleptomaniacs and the Allman Brothers; who had just recently been surgically separated in order to go to prom. It was a real Thievery Corporation, we were your regular Motley Crue</big. From the beginning, it was all pretty much a Blur. My dates name was Babatunde Olatunji, or something. She was a gorgeous ex-Bounty Killa with Bad Manners and a hankering for Peaches, but a Sizzla nonetheless. Now, as most of you know, prom is on the top Bracket in the Progression of high school life before graduation. Its pretty much where you make that transition from Boys II Men, and here I was, going as a freshman, and I had no idea what was going on. At first, all the prommies had to meet all the Mamas and the Papas. I was fresh dressed like a Gentleman with my Goldie Lookin Chain, it was a complete Mr. T Experience. But I felt so weird cuz I didnt know this was gonna happen, and I drank a litre of The Green Martian and smoked a gram of the Deepest Blue before I even got there. First thing they asked was “who's driving the limo?”, cuz apparently we forgot to get a driver, so I slurred out “Ozgur Can, wait.... Does anyone else see this Ferry Corsten around my face??” We hooked up the Stereophonics in the limo, which is pretty much why we forgot to get a driver, but we had it like the personal vehicle for the Ministry of Sound. We hit up the Inner City to score some Morcheeba and a lil bit of Chimaira before we headed off to Café Del Mar for a few drinks before the dance. By the time we got there, we were Orbital, completely blasted. Shots of Everclear in the limo and the Animals were really out from within us. The prom was a big Ocean Colour Scene, but we fixed that with some Olive puke-toids every little where we could. We danced, we sang, we drank, we pretty much pissed everyone off, and we got kicked out. But not before we stole the King of Leons crown though. So we finally left and got to Lovers Lane to go make the Bedrock.