From My Cold Dead Hands
posted November 6, 2009 - 10:21pmI read that one of our Czars wants to eliminate hunting. Well, isn't that silly. Doesn't he realize what a can of worms he'd be opening? I don't know about you city folk, but up here we eat what we've kill, unless it happens to be old Fred that never wears his red hat. We kill 'em and gut 'em and hang 'em up in a tree for a week or two. We like to take a bunch of pictures with old toothless men standing around their kill holding their guns and swillin' a beer.
What would mom and pop do without the hunters from out of state supporting them? Who would sleep in their cabins? I mean, if one has never experienced the pure joy of spending a week in a hunting cabin bonding closely with five other sweaty drunks, well then, one has just not lived.
What would men talk about in November...and December...and January? People must understand, the livelihood of our barrooms depends on how deep the blood runs during hunting season. That's why we like our boots. (And you thought it was because of the snow.) There is not a hunter alive that hasn't related to a captive crowd of slurring, staggering comrades his very first hunting experience, as he squeezes old Betsy's trigger and blows the clothespin bucket off Mrs. Toby's porch.
Fathers take sons hunting. It is a rite of passage. There is a certain intimacy conveyed when daddy hands junior his first rifle and tells him to remember not to point it at anyone. Junior being junior usually looks down the barrel to see if it's loaded. Dad being dad, smiles tenderly and whacks the idiot in the head. They then plan the next ten years of hunting together, and talk about the tree stand they will construct by the old blow down on third hill.
What could be next? Fishing? I wouldn't want to tangle with our fishermen. They'll blow boats right out of the water up here for setting pots in their territory. Not to mention fishing for pleasure. LL Bean would go bankrupt if we outlawed fishing and hunting. The bridges around here are lined with people dropping lines over the side. These experts not only know how to drop a line, they can dodge a truck going 60 with the ease of an Olympic acrobat without losing the ash off their cigar.
I wish the Czar would be more articulate when speaking about the horrors of hunting. Can we still hunt down Osama? The House Hunters show might take offense, and some of the bargain hunters I know would have a stuffed Czar head on their living room wall if he outlaws that pastime. They're as vicious as any big old moose lumbering down the roads here.
I don't want to be an alarmist, but we might have to consider giving some land back to the animal settlers up here after the population explosion. They were here long before the Indians, I think, so shouldn't they get a settlement of some kind? Oh, wait, the Czar also said something about animals pursuing some sort of legal recourse. Sounds like there may be a possibility of me losing my house to a coyote! I better get myself a good lawyer.
Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I do know one thing. If the powers that be were a little surprised at the backlash over health care, just wait until they start messin' with the gunners. Yikes!
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Comments
I still consider myself...
I still consider myself a hunter even though I seldom go anymore. When I was young i went hunting often, and I loved it. The thrill of getting outdoors in the freshair and bringing home some fresh meat for the Wife or the Mother to cook was great and still is when I go.
I don't usually go out of my way to break a law, but if they outlaw it completely, I am sure that I will be hunting every day just to show them how much it really means to me even if I never get a thing.
You know the man that was hunting those soldiers in Ft. Hood the other day could have spent his time better had he gone to D.C. and hunted a few of those idiots up there. Soldiers only follow orders after all, and if the orders are followed back far enough don't they all come from our nations Capital one way or another? Open season on Politicians that might not be a bad idea? LOL
Great article!
If my comment sounds a bit harsh, it's only because I am really getting sick of stupid politicans trying to decide what is best for us when they make such unwise decisions in their own lives.
Johnny Yuma
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