We are having a little problem in New York right now. I do not know how far reaching this problem is because I am too cold to even turn on the TV and watch a weather report. Yes, that's my problem: IT'S FREEZING.

It is so cold, you can actually HEAR how cold it is. Molecules have stopped moving at this point and everything is frozen solid. So when the wind blows, you can make out the sound of the brittle tree branches scratching against each other like Lucifer's long bony fingers tapping out a horriffic code of ice-like evil.

I don't like to complain about the weather because it is what it is. You can't change it. You just have to deal with it. But when you embark on your commute to work and the temperature is 10 degrees with a wind chill of -8, you are presented with another problem. How to dress appropriately.

This goes way beyond your typical hat/scarf/glove solution. It's more like t-shirt, sweater, another sweater, granny panties, thermal socks, leggings, hunting socks, leg warmers, boots, scarf, another scarf, ski hat, gloves, mittens over the gloves, and an ankle length coat. That might adequately provide some amount of protection from the brutal conditions we are currently facing. Maybe.

But at that point, all style has gone to hell in a hand basket. You now must waddle about your business resembling a baby Yeti hoping that you don't lose your balance and fall because you can't really move with that much padding. In that event, you'd have to lay on the ground like a beetle that has landed on its back because there is no way you'd be able to maneuver yourself back into an upright position and then just hope that a neighbor finds you before you freeze to death in the driveway. So really the trick is to walk as slowly as possible which, let me tell you, is so incredibly pleasant to do in sub-Arctic terrain.

Then you must attempt to drive. If you can even squeeze yourself into the drivers seat (which you can't - you have to move the seat back and virtually lay down to make room for your new found corpulence), you have to devise an entirely newfangled way to operate your vehicle that is conducive to this ridiculous Shroud-O-Warmth you are sporting.

It gets worse. I have the apparent misfortune of owning a manual transmission. Try shifting when all of the car's fluids have frozen into some substance that feels like a Slurpee. It doesn't happen. Better yet, try keeping your hand on the gear shifter when the hand is encased in six layers of wool. No. The hand slips off everytime you attempt to force the transmission into a new gear and you end up destryoing your car and at the same time shoving your hand, mitten first into the searing hot cup of coffee that is sitting in front of it. So now you are driving with a wet mitten that proceeds to freeze within a minute and a half and you have to decide if it would be worse to just take it off and expose your hand to frostbite.

Hellish ordeals aside, I have managed to get myself to work alive for the last few weeks. But I look like a wounded water buffalo on crack when I get there. Cold weather does not go hand in hand with killer style. It is, in fact, a style killer.

And so every morning I find myself wondering, would it be acceptable to call in "cold" to work?