I love Myspace. I love it so much that if it were a person I'd have sex with it. It is an aphrodisiac. Assumedly, I am not the only person who feels this way because at last login, the network was well over 100 million users. This worldwide phenomenon can be summarized in two words: Internet Crack.

I feel as though I have tamed my addiction a bit. There was a time when I'd come in from work and as I was taking my coat off and flinging my bag on the chair, I'd be reaching into the office with my foot so that I could turn the computer on with my big toe. This way, the PC would boot up while I was peeing and making coffee and by the time I sat down, Myspace would be in front of me in the time it took for me to type the URL.

Nowadays, I don't live with the parents anymore and I don't even have money for groceries let alone an ISP so I have to use other people's computers to check Myspace. We can't get on from work because the filter doesn't allow it. It is deemed "inappropriate". I am insulted by this. So instead, I slink around my friends' homes seeing if their computer happens to be on. Perhaps, I can say I'm going to the bathroom and just look quickly and see if I have a new friend request or something. Even at work, I still check everyday just to see if maybe by some strange blip in cyberspace, the filter will allow me to check my precious messages just this one time. Of course, I only do this during lunch when there is nobody around. I'm like an alcoholic who sneaks drinks at every chance for fear of anyone discovering her awful secret.

The addiction stems from one simple concept. And I am not speaking for myself here. I am speaking on behalf of every other Myspace obsessed freak that is out there. As we know, there are 100 million of them. The concept of which I speak is the fact that there is no topic IN THE WORLD that any person would rather speak about than themself. It's that simple. Myspace has based itself on the foundation that people will spend hours upon hours building and maintaining a webpage entirely about THEM. This is quite possibly one of the most brilliant ideas I have ever heard. It allows us to be shamelessly narcissistic with no guilt and disguises the whole operation as "Come on in and make friends!"

Where else can we do this? Uh, nowhere. Can you imagine standing in the middle of the mall and having people come over to visit you so that you can tell them how old you are, what music you listen to, your favorite tv shows, what books you have read, your mission in life, your sports team affiliations, whether or not you smoke and drink, and if you want to have children - all the time posing at various angles so that they can get a good look at you. Then, if they ask to be your friend you get to accept or deny the invitation right on the spot! In the middle of The Mall of America! The idea is preposterous when thought of in another context. But behind a computer screen, it is sheer genius. You can fill out surveys all day long, telling people what is under your bed and your mother's maiden name...and never feel one bit bad about it.

Even better is the fact that everything you represent about yourself on Myspace is surely only the top of the crop. We would never post the picture of the time we got wasted at a frat party, passed out with our head in a urinal, and then our friends put dandelions in our mouth and captured it on film. No way! You post the picture of the time your boobs looked awesome. And you color saturate it to hide your zits. Duh.

Even if you are a musician, actor, comedian etc... you are still there for the purpose of self-promotion. And furthermore, the fact that you ARE there allows us mere mortals to pretend to be friends with you which, in turn, brings our level of vanity to a whole new stratosphere.("Yo, guess who's my friend on Myspace? Owen Wilson, man!")

But with the very, very good comes an equally as dramatic thought. What would happen if Internet Crack were to just...go away? GASP! What if Tom just decided one day that he had made enough money and he was really bored and he wanted to pull the plug on all the losers he himself created (come to think of it...he DOES look a little like Dr. Frankenstein)? Mass hysteria would ensue. Looting, rioting, hacking...UTTER ANARCHY. Can you picture pop culture sans Myspace? I can't. It would be like...Madonna dying or something. I couldn't handle it.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you or start any rumors. Madonna is alive and Myspace is still up and running. In the meantime, it might be a good idea for all of us to start finding more useful things to do with our time lest the DTs take over should Myspace really take a hike one of these days. And in that sorry event, let's hope we all don't drown in our own very pretty reflections.