The results of a ten-year study conducted at Johns Hopkins University have just been released to the public. According to the study, 95% of the children examined, ages 0-10, suffer from brain deterioration of some sort depending on the amount of NASCAR exposure during those years. Scientists have concluded that any amount over ten hours causes some kind of long term effect, and children who have been exposed to over one hundred hours will go on to lead semi-retarded lives. Doctor Gregory Malshup explained the science behind the results.
“It has to do with the inane redundancy of the sport, as some people have called it. You see, the repetitive looping, over and over again, with very little dynamic interaction, causes the lower hypothalamus to shrink because it feels that it is no longer needed to excite and stimulate the brain. It is de-evolution on a rapid scale.
“If you think about it in terms of prehistoric anthropology,” he continued, “you can link the development to the growth of early man. Humans would not have evolved if their food supplies were not in danger. If early hominids had been blessed with piles and piles of meat and berries, twenty-four hours a day, they never would have fashioned tools or learned to communicate. They had to adapt or they would have died. This is the same thing. The brain of a small child watching cars go round and round in a circle thinks that it is being stimulated. It develops a reliance on NASCAR, and the area of the brain responsible for actual stimulation, the hypothalamus, packs up and leaves, feeling slighted and betrayed. Either it shrinks down into an insubstantial pea, or it disappears all together. The complete disappearance of the hypothalamus results in severe brain damage and retardation.”
The doctor and his colleagues believe that there is little hope for adult NASCAR fans. Although the hypothalamus will no longer shrink after the age of 10, it will cease to function properly, creating negative repercussions for every hour of NASCAR watched, so that a twenty-year old hick who has logged a total of two hundred hours will need two thousand hours of intense mental stimulation to completely eradicate the damage.
“The problem with this scenario,” the doctor added, “is that people do not usually convert away from the brain-numbing pastime. That is why we are directing leftover funding towards NAMIPRO, the NASCAR Missionary Program. But I can’t say anymore. Goodbye.”
The doctor walked out the door with a handful of riddles, but he did conclude with an ominous warning.
“We have the X and the Y generations now. But if nothing is done to curb the growth, we will soon have the NASCAR generation. And their parents, only a third of the size in total population, had enough power to elect and keep in office George W. Bush. Look out. We’re in for a three hundred million car pile-up come election day.”