The recent decision to require all Canadians to produce a passport when flying into a US city, has caused many citizens to rethink their security abroad. A recent Senate Committee has produced the following recommendations to the improve the security of Canadians at home and abroad:

• Wearing bright orange vests with the words “Not a Terrorist” across the back.
• Disinfect immediately after contact with Paris Hilton
• When changing planes in New York, avoid appearing shifty, swarthy, sneaky or altogether foreign
• Register only in the Bahamas (but only if you are affiliated with former Prime Minister Paul Martin’s Canada Steamship Lines)
• Eat at American style restaurants when possible and resist the desire to order any food with paws.
• If deported to Middle Eastern country for torture, reveal any national secretes you may know ¬¬except¬¬ the location of Don Cherry’s tailor, the real number of TimBits in a 20 Pack or what David Foster actually does.
• All passports to play the “Friendly Giant” theme song when opened to calm agitated foreign border guards.
• Form rapid response rescue team comprised of the children of former PMs including Justin Trudeau, Catherine Clark and Ben Mulroney. Tights and capes are optional.

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