I always thought of myself as the guy in high school who stood in the background and watched everyone else do the work while I enjoyed it vicariously – and still those were the best times I ever had. So, I always just felt that I was one of the faces in the crowd who faded into the scenery and was very unmemorable. So whenever someone from those days remembers me I am always flattered that they do.
Because I hold those times, people, and memories in such high regard I have always felt a great deal of loyalty to those who gave them to me and whenever I had the chance I would in whatever small way I could, repay the debt. This has included things like visiting friends when they are sick or letting them know I want to be supportive and even going out of my way to look someone up to tell them that I thought highly of them or to thank them for something they did for me so long ago. One that I was compelled to do was when I had heard that a very close and long standing friend (Dougie by name) was going through a rough patch with marital problems. As soon as I heard I was reminded of favors that he did for me in times past plus the fact that he was an old and very dear friend and it was my duty to at least let him know I was worried about him. I did just that and he put on his brave face and assured me he’d be ok, but he looked very ashen, thin, and even frail to me. I called him again after that and he again told me he was coming through it just fine. Then some months later I heard that Dougie had died suddenly. I couldn’t make myself believe it (and I guess I still can’t some 8 years later). But I am so grateful that I took the time to make myself available for him because he knew I valued him as a good friend when he passed.
This week I was shaken by another incident which brings this message home to me again. This story actually began several years ago when lifelong friend named Debi told me that another classmate named Anne Marie had told her that she had had a dream about me. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Anne Marie would have remembered me fondly enough to not only remember me but place me high enough for me to appear in one of her dreams. I asked Debi to find out in what context I portrayed in Anne Marie’s dream. It wasn’t long after that when Anne Marie had that terrible car accident after which she remained in a coma and semi coma from which she never rebounded before she died. So I never will know what I meant to her in that dream and that I will never have the chance to thank her for keeping me so fondly in her mind. This has bothered me and always will I suppose.
Then about four years ago I spoke to another old friend named Neil in emails a few times, then I learned that he had died suddenly. When I went to his wake I met his new wife who told me that the previous summer he had taken her to my place of work to introduce her to me. She said that he had told her I was his best friend he wanted her to meet me (even after well over 30 years of hardly any contact with him). Unfortunately I was out of the building at that time and the meeting never took place. But it was quite staggering to me (as well as very flattering) that Neil still felt that way about me, but I was stunned by the empty feeling that I couldn’t thank him and tell him that I still held him in highest regard as well. This too will always bother me and remain unquenched.
This week I was talking to a classmate named Sharon on the email and we were running down the list of friends who have died. One she mentioned that I hadn’t known about was a girl named Patty. I had known her since first grade and I told Sharon that Patty was one of the many people I have often wondered where she was and what she was doing. When I said that Sharon said that Patty had often said to her that she wondered where I was and what I was doing. I am once again stunned by this that yet another person from long ago times remembered me enough to wonder about me.
As I sit here today I am haunted by feelings of deep sadness, regret, while at the same time much satisfaction that I made a lasting enough impression for these dear folks to have remembered me until their early demise, but mostly I have an empty and hollow feeling that I found out too late and I will never be able to reciprocate and tell them how much I thought of them and valued them as friends. This will always remain unquenched for me but I do know that if they felt this way there must be others out there who do as well. I just hope that they see fit and find a way tell me while we are all still here. But if all this is to serve any purpose I hope that it may serve as a reminder of how important it is to let each other know – if not in word then in deed – how we value each other’s friendship.

Epilogue

I had no sooner finished this when I got two emails from Sharon elaborating as to the context and extent of Patty's interest in me. It seems that for all those years she had more than an idle crush on me and that she had gotten Sharon to drive her to my workplace to see me but never had the nerve to stop and even say something as insignificant as hello. I can only say that I was stunned by this revelation and swollen with abject grief of the waste of it all. I can only wonder how both our lives may have been changed radically for the better. So close and yet so far sums it up best. This late arriving news only serves to punctuate the message of the story. I hope others take heed from this.