I hate the feeling of jealousy. It makes me feel awful, dirty, and small.

Recently, I've gotten back together with an ex-boyfriend. He's really more than an ex.. he was my childhood sweetheart. I think I've loved him for over half of my life.

Well, about 11 years ago, I made a huge mistake that intimately involved him.

We had finally started dating, instead of just being best friends. After awhile, we became intimate. It wasn't my first time, but it was his first time.

Shortly after this began, I was asked out by a guy I had a crush on for a very long time. I broke up with my childhood sweetheart. We didn't speak again until about a year ago, when mutual friends on facebook decided that we should.

Even then, we didn't talk much. Not for awhile. Then about a month or so ago, we started talking non-stop. We're back together.

Now, to get to the title. During the more than a decade that we were apart, he gained quite a bit of intimate experience with other women. Many of these women I know. (Rather, I should say that I knew them, since it's been years since I spoke with any of them, either.)

I know I have less than zero right to be jealous of these encounters, but I am extremely jealous. I don't like the feeling I get whenever I think about it. Honestly, I gave up any right I had to him when I left him behind, all these years ago. I know that leaving him was a mistake, but it's one that I can't undo.

So, how do I stop feeling jealous? How do I put that behind me? I hate every second of it, but it's like an evil whack-a-mole, just sitting there waiting to poke out it's head whenever I stop watching for it.