PITTSBURGH, PA-- Much to the dismay of mathematicians, it has been verified that one buck sometimes equates to one thousand bucks. Nine hours following a collision on PA Route 19, a Zelienople mechanic verified that the cost of knocking a buck into its next lifetime would cost roughly $1000.00 should used parts be available. It is one of many deer that “flew” victim to poor decision-making.

The event in question occurred just before midnight on Tuesday August 12th along a major commercial strip in Cranberry Township. The driver of the vehicle, a male in his early twenties, had made the trip from his girlfriend’s home hundreds of times before and had no idea how bad the normal commute would unfold.

“I was so pissed,” explained the driver. “I have been driving for six years and I never even put a dent in any vehicle. That buck came running out from between two cars in a parking lot! Where was it coming from!? There is only about one acre of habitable space between Route 19 and 79. The rest is small taverns and a trailer park!” The driver did not have collision insurance or $1000.

According to the driver, in a vehicle induced panic, the deer decided it was best to leave the security of the small tavern parking lot and to take his chances charging a car, which turned out to be a 1990 Oldsmobile Cutlass Calais. The vehicle was traveling at 50 mph due to a common speed trap. Because the car was the only vehicle on the road at the time, the driver has suggested intent, claiming that even an act of complete stupidity could not yield such effective results.

“That deer was plotting… like the terrorists,” said the driver in a short interview. “I was lucky to get away with just a thousand dollars! I was really enjoying Counting Crows’ Rain King when suddenly the deer just came charging out of nowhere from the right. By the time I slammed the brakes, the front end was already smashed in. I thought the deer went under, but as I cruised along for about twenty feet, I realized I had only bounced at the initial strike. It was only after a few seconds that the deer came splashing down two lanes to my left. I was lucky it didn’t come down on the roof!” Any intent of the deer to come smashing down on the roof was neutralized with the strike, which removed several legs that could have been used to balance the vigilante in trajectory. “The deer underestimated the power of my 3-speed., though it could’ve killed me.”

It is not believed that the deer belonged to anyone in the nearby trailer park.

When asked about any lessons learned, the driver just shook his head. “I feel bad about the lost legs and the hair lodged in my hood, but at least it was not a clip. I would really feel bad if the buck was fatally injured and could drag itself to another’s side to die in her hooves… or in today’s society perhaps the hooves of another male. Oh well, who knows. Other than that, I have never seen a deer fly and regret not having a sun roof. Otherwise, I really could’ve seen it all.”

The magnitude of deer homosexuality is unknown.

The sum total of the accident was a peaked hood, shattered front panel, indented radiator, poorly aimed headlights, a bowed frame, many broken brackets, and a dead buck. “If it would’ve had access to explosives, things could’ve been a lot worse,” noted the driver.

There was no comment from the deer, which surely died a horrible death. “It just stinks anyway you look at it,” concluded the driver. “Who wants to die in a turning lane?”