The Only Way to Argue and Win

posted December 5, 2008 - 11:51am
The Only Way to Argue and Win

Think about every argument or disagreement you've ever had. I'd bet many of those confrontations were the result of you having one opinion and the other party having another opinion. You both believe that you're right, emotions rose, tempers flared, and you had an argument.

If you were fortunate, one or both of you stepped away allowing the situation to cool down. Maybe one of you found a compromise and then calmly discussed it with the other party and you could resolve the difference of opinion.

On the other hand, maybe one or both of you were pushed so hard that you stubbornly refused to reconsider your position. Nations have gone to war over less. Friendships and marriages are no different.

Life is about confrontation because of the very simple fact that we are humans with individuality and different ways of looking at things. If we accept that the other person believes just as strongly in his or her opinion, then we will be less apt to try to bully or strong-arm them into accepting our contrary position without discussing it first.

During the discussion, we should first try to explain our position. If they don't accept it, then we should try to find a compromise--a middle ground. If they don't accept it and the situation is not one of life-and-death importance, such as the safety of human life, then you and the other person should agree to disagree. Argument over. Move on.

By making your position known calmly and coolly, you are planting the seeds in the other party's mind. It could very well be that those seeds take root and the other person "realizes" the wisdom of your position. It could also be that the wisdom of the other position takes root in your mind. Or you find a compromise.

There are very few situations in life where one party is justified in doing the argumentative equivalent of "barking orders", such as martial situations in the military or police. Everything else can be discussed rationally, respecting all sides of the situation.

Unless the respect is mutual and the other party is taken into consideration, there are no winners and you are just laying the groundwork for a future argument.

Author: jdubhub
-A +A


Comments

I completely agree..

BARBIE1305 - Fri, 2008-5-12 6:09 pm
I absolutely agree with what you are saying. Don't do what fuels the other person. With me, I did fuel him by not yelling, but I learned to stop yelling at him, partly becaused it caused severe anxiety and also because it is futile to yell when you can speak and get across the same point without lowering yourself and looking like an idiot for screaming 3 inches from someone's face. But walking away sometimes escalates the argument. I have also found that walking away makes them more mad and apt to follow you and accuse you maybe of now caring enough to finish. So sometimes no matter how calm you are or how much you want to get passed the initial argument, by doing either of the above mentioned you could add to the fire when you were really trying to calm down the situation. Ah well. We are only human.

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jdubhub - Fri, 2008-5-12 5:59 pm
I would look at the "winning" the argument in a relationship as making the relationship stronger, even if it means conceding a point or compromising. In my marriage, at least when I began dating my then girlfriend, she was used to the escalation of the argument (raising voices and yelling) from previous relationships she had. I am not one to yell, so I didn't give her energy back that she could use to fuel her fire. It didn't mean we didn't have disagreements about things--we did then and still do years later. But, we are able to resolve differences quicker and move on to more important things. There are times when the other person does something that irritates you, but dwelling on it or not being able to move past it even after you've talked about it can be the undoing of the relationship. My experience, anyway. Thanks for your comment! JOIN XOMBA IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD!

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I agree but I like to win :-)

BARBIE1305 - Fri, 2008-5-12 5:52 pm
I seem to have more than my fair share of arguments with my boyfriend. Although, most of the time it is over something trivial, many times I have been justified in my approach towards him with folded arms and "wrinkled brow". He knows when it is coming, which puts him in defensive mose automatically and creates tension before I even say anything. Though it is an argument, I rarely yell. I am the calm, collected one while he likes to get loud. I think it irritates men a little more when we can be so calm and still do the same amount of damage while under complete control of our emotions. I'm afraid I feel like an amateurish expert on arguments, since I have had so darn many. Though not proud of that at all, I have learned a lot from each one.

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