I have a very extended family. My own nuclear family together with my grandma, my aunt and cousins, my uncle - we all live together in one home. Plus, during special occasions, my other aunt and cousins, and my other uncle would come visit and would usually stay for months. So all in all, there are about 19 of us living in one home. My cousins and I are the best of friends. We would often go out together, have fun together, or simply stay up late at night sharing stories and laughing our asses off! We would prepare Christmas, New Year, or Birthday meals together.

But there are times when some misunderstndings arise. Sometimes it would get too chaotic and noisy at home. Sometimes, rest is very difficult to achieve. Sometimes, sharing just becomes too much to bear. Sometimes you just want out. Yes, get away from this havoc, from this mess of a life, and never return.

So there came a time when I had to work away for some time. Yes! I was thousands of kilometers away from the hell called home. I rented a small place and had everything to my own. Rest, relaxation, no sharing of stuff, no cooking for a pack of wolves. I could come home whatever time I wanted, eat and sleep whenever I wanted, get lazy however much I wanted! And no one would bother me at all! Ah, what peace and joy! Hooray! There was no thinking of others but my own self.

I was alright at work. In fact, I was great! No hassles at all. I was living an independent life. Yes, at times I would call home, speak to everyone, ask them how they'e doing. And they'd say life back home is always the same. The same jumble of a life. I'd smirk on the other line and think, "Good thing I'm away."

I was ok for quite some time. But then, Christmas came. My first Christmas alone. Fine with me. And New Year's eve was next. No biggie. My mom's birthday, I would just call to greet. My dad's birthday, same thing. More missed birthdays, more missed occasions. But I was busy with work, and so all was kind of ok. They'd understand.

But then, my grandfather got really sick. I was worried. He was hospitalized. I called to talk to him everyday, several times each day. And then it came as if almost in a flash one day. My brother called. Without even hearing what he had to say, tears were suddenly streaming down my cheeks for an unknown reason. He then said the doctors were already doing CPR. I was heartbroken. I was at work then. I didn't know what to do. I clutched my chest and slowly slid to the floor, tears continuosly falling from my eyes. Whimpers of agony and pain coming out from my mouth. It can't be happening! My beloved grandpa cannot be leaving us already! It can't be! And I was the only one who wasn't home. I wasn't home to even just hold his hand, to be with him in his suffering. My brother called again. The doctors have revived him. That was a good thing, right? I asked to be updated of anything. I could't think straight, I could't work well. I was an operating room nurse, and as I was cleaning the instruments used, I could not stop howling.

After about an hour, when I was just about feeling a bit ok, I got another call. This time from my uncle who was a priest. He said slowly, "Inday (my nickname), Tatay (how we call our grandpa) is having flat lines again. And this time, we didn't want them to resuscitate. I'll be putting the phone to his ear so that you can tell him what you want to say." I was crushed! I told my Tatay how much I loved him, how much I missed him. I told him I was sorry for whatever I have done that might have disappointed him. I begged him to please stay for a while. I was so so sorry that I was away. I told him how much I wanted to hug him, how much I wanted to give him a kiss. And I thanked him for everything he has done for us, for being a great and loving grandpa, for being so patient and for never complaining even if he was already in great pain. I thanked him for being the best grandpa in the world. And then he was gone. It was 6:35 in the evening. My Tatay had gone back to his creator. I prayed for his soul and thanked God for lending him to us.

Work only allowed me a very short leave of absence. Just 6 days. I was new at work, so I couldn't complain. I was just glad that I was going home for my grandpa's wake. I was glad to go home to my family and be with everyone.

I missed them all terribly. And my coming home was good because we were all there for my grandpa. But at the end of 6 days, I had to go back to work. It was very very painful not to be able to be there for my grandpa's funeral. It was also on a working day. They called me to update me what they were doing, or which part of the funeral it was already. I could not stop crying. This was the price I had to pay for wanting to be away.

After that, things were never the same again. I realized how alone and lonely I was. There was no one to talk to after work, no one I could share my day's experiences with, no fun and food on birthdays and special occasions, no one to shop with, no one to eat with, no one to laugh with, no one to cry with. Just no one. There were times I would wake up to the 2 am darkness of my pad. I'd call out  for my mom, but then my heart would beat really fast and then I would cry. I kept forgetting I was alone. I was so so alone and I could take it no longer.

And so, I decided I was going home. I finished my 6-month probation period at work and that was that. I was going home. I was happy to be going home...

That was a little over two years ago. I'm now home. I have work close to home. I am with old friends. I am  with family. I am back with my family. Everything is the same as in old times. The noise, the chaos, the misunderstandings, the shouting, the sharing, the fun, the laughter. It's difficult at times, yes. But nevertheless, we are family. We are one big happy and whole family. Despite the trials, the difficulties, and the differences that we have, the love that binds us is incomparable - a love that roots from my grandparents' love for each other and that has stemmed out to each and everyone of us.

I can never be happier. I am back to where I belong.

by: http://www.xomba.com/user/shanuel28