Ozzfest 2005, Auburn, WA OR: Ozzy, give up already.

Yesterday couldn't have been better weather for an outdoor festival. It was overcast much of the day and just warm enough. Thank god, because I have a helluva time dressing for those damn things. Especially when they're at the Gorge, and blazing hot all day, then frigid from the breeze off of the Columbia at night. And what, you're supposed to tote fleece pajamas around with you in 100 degree heat so that you can be comfortable when the sun sets? Is THAT what you think we should do, weather gods? Because you're just flat-out being unreasonable. Auburn, though- Auburn is overall milder, but especially so yesterday. As though anyone really cares about this. Let's just cut this subject short right now. Unless Steve Pool's reading this, it's boring and unnecessary. Onto the show itself, eh? No, it wasn't cancelled, thankfully. But get this: Arch Enemy went on at 9am. Bollocks! We weren't even out of BED by 9am, because smart, non-lineup-checking kids that we are, we assumed a band of their popularity would be at the tail end of the second stage. That's twice I've missed them now. See how our assumptions really did make an ass out of me and...him? So here's who we DID catch:

Soilwork. Didn't hear the whole set, because we were busy trying to procure free shit from the Devil's Rejects booth (success came in the form of many promo postcards, buttons, and a shirt), but I did hear Black Star Deceiver, and that was enough to make me content.

Mastodon. These guys were the raddest of the rad. Far's I'm concerned, they were the best on the second stage. Maybe even better than Rob Zombie. Well...okay, CLOSE, but not better. But that's only because they were lacking in Joe Walsh medleys (see below).

Killswitch Engage. The guitarist wore a cape and hat with moose horns. Bands with a sense of humor give me hope for the future of metal, among so many screamo kids that take themselves and their hip haircuts too seriously.

Rob Zombie. Hooray for 60's-flavored pinups draped on every inch of the stage! Even if they WERE just pictures. So yeah, they did a kind of mash-up of The James Gang's Funk #49 and Thunderkiss '65. I'm all jazzed that Rob put some James Gang on the Devil's Rejects soundtrack, because that's one band that doesn't get the props they should.

In Flames. Only marginally impressive. Sorry. We were also trying to find a place to sit during their set, so they didn't get my full attention. Maybe that was the problem.

Shadows Fall. I didn't feel like they fully commanded the stage, but they were tight and all. Just not terribly interesting to watch.

Black Label Society. As much as I like Zakk, his voice is really starting to grate on me. And that's all I have to say about their set.

Iron Maiden. Woooooooooomaiiiiideeeennnnn!!! All songs from the first 4 albums. Bruce Dickinson looks like he's in a musical, the way he leaps off monitors and runs to stage left to sing one verse, then sprints up to the risers above the drums to do the chorus, then leaps back down and poses at the front of the stage during the chorus. And he's STILL wearing those god-awful pants made of stripped-up vinyl. Who is letting him do that? Granted, they were better than a LOT of the fashions I observed on the audience, but still.

Sabbath? We left. No, seriously. We've both seen them multiple times. Further, Jay didn't want to ruin the memory of last year's great performance. Personally, I can do without hearing Paranoid live ever again. Sabbath is lovely. Don't get me wrong. But I'm sick of hearing all the same songs. So call me a metal heretic; I've had my fill of their hits. I don't go to Ozzfest for Ozzy anymore.

I was reminded that metal fans are, by and large, an ugly bunch. And holy cheese, we as a people are garGANtuan. I don't like my view of the stage being sullied by veritable cows in bikini tops. You can't even blame it on South King County, since the show drew people from as far as Vancouver, BC. But man, I saw some of the most inappropriate clothing and worst tattoos ever yesterday. Moreso than in past years, for some reason. Why is this notable? Because it corroborates the notorious belief that Americans are fat and lazy. Goddamn, people don't take care of themselves. If you went to Ozzfest looking for hot metal chicks, there were precious, precious few to be found. Like...about 2. That I saw, anyway. I mean, it wasn't a fashion show, to be sure, but the ones who clearly put effort into their appearance fell short of looking attractive in any sense. I kind of wanted to set up a makeover booth to give lessons to the slovenly girls with crooked lipliner and comically-applied eyeshadow. Yeah, it's shallow. But it's what I was looking at ALL DAY- the place was filled to the brim with people who clearly had trouble assembling the "look" they were going for. Shameful as it is that I would even notice such things, my eyes were deluged with it for 12 hours. So sue me; I couldn't help but notice their aesthetic incompetence.

I'm not saying that inherently makes them bad people. There are plenty of other things that serve that purpose. Striving to fit an aesthetic and falling painfully short is pitiful, but it's the directionless, drunken stumbling; the vapid stares and ability to find shirts proclaiming their identity as Rick James hilarious that truly make them bad people.

Nah, just kidding. I'm sure they're all merciful souls who volunteer at the soup kitchen on the days they have off from the Peace Corps, and they all just got back from Habitat for Humanity assignments in Guatemala. And that makes up for how ugly they are on the outside.

I'd also like to give a shout-out to the portly, Old Navy-clad mothers who accompanied their 15 year old sons to the show, thus preventing them from actually having a good time. They had the 2 boys sandwiched between them whilst pretending not to give the crowd disapproving looks. I checked with Jay to make sure that he agreed the kids were clearly old enough to go it alone, because I don't want to find out in the future that he would expect me to be that kind of mother. I'll embarass the hell out of my kids, sure, but if I'm attending a metal festival with them, it's only going to be because I want to see the bands, too. Not to babysit. Poor little chaps.

Fuck yeah.