Bike riding isn't as easy as it looks. The pedaling isn't bad. The balancing isn't the problem. And stopping certainly doesn't pose any difficulties. But the main drawback of riding a bike is the small yet punishing seat. Any guy reading this will know what I'm talking about.. especially if they have foregone replacing the seat that came with the bike and choosing instead to become a sadist. Bikes just aren't made for men. I never understood why the boy's bikes had the straight across bar rather than the one that dropped down on the frame. This just seems like some kind of cruel joke. The boy's bike was probably invented by the wife of the inventor of the tampon as retaliation - "If you're gonna invent something that we have to shove up our cooters, then I'm gonna make the boy's bike into a literal ball=buster," is probably part of the conversation they had over one of their nightly dinners.

But I've been riding a bike for the past two weeks. Why?? It's a long story...but since I'm an aspiring writer, I'll explain and I'll try to keep it under 500 words.

My wife and I moved to California a little over a month ago. We had a decent apartment in Flint, Michigan where, consequently, bikes are not popular because it is too difficult to commit a drive-by shooting while shifting gears. But we planned on moving out here the first chance we got because this is where the old lady's parents live. We got that chance, but we had to leave within a few weeks. So we sold pretty much everything we owned, rented a car, and drove out here with little more than the clothes on our backs. Long story short (if it's not too late), we don't have a car. And we're living with her parents...who have a bike. So I've been riding the bike all around town - to the library, looking for jobs, getting a TB test (which came back negative, by the way), etc. And it hasn't been pleasant.

You see...I'm, shall I say, a large bohemoth of a man. I'm not morbidly obese nor gigundous in size...but I have a big belly. I'm not gruesome like "need a casket specially made for me" fat. I'm more of a cute, cuddly fat - a Kevin James body type, if you will. But fat guys and bikes don't mix. My butt was sore for the first week of bike exploring. But now my butt has grown accustomed to the torture. He finally gave in.

But now I have another problem...my testes. The bike seat's protuberance is an unforgiving piece of hard rubber that wreaks havoc on my "bag o' love juice." And I'm paying for it tonight as I lay here with an ice pack that is shriveling up a piece of manhood that really can't afford to be any smaller than its present size.

So the bike riding will continue. Hopefully, my boys will grow a set and toughen up against the menace that is the bike seat. Otherwise, the in-laws will have to settle for grandkids bought from the black market.