This is not to say that I am particularly religious.  In fact, I'm not religious at all.  Do I believe in a God?  Yes, but it is not something for which I can place blame, or ask for help.  Even so, I think we all have a need to pray, if not just to get all the world's hurt off of our chest.  Sometimes, even the Devil needs a good cry.

A Prayer I Will Never Speak

To the King of Kings, the Host of Hosts, the Creator of the Universe and all things in it,

Father, Mother...

Why?

Why did you allow my father to meet my mother?  Sometimes I feel as if You played a cruel joke, orphaning my mother, introducing her to my father, bringing her into Your fold, blessing her with three beautiful children who would ultimately turn out to be as disturbed as she, and then tearing my family apart by allowing some false witness to speak lies in Your Holiest of Names.

Why did You allow me, my brother, and sister to be born?  Why?  Why, when You knew that our lives were going to be a literal living hell, no matter how successful we became?  Sometimes I feel as if You were not paying attention when you made me.  Sometimes, I feel as if you forgot to give me what everybody else around me has; a sense of purpose.

Why did You tear my family apart?  Was it because my father insulted Your bishop and his wife by walking out of church when he had to go work his third job on Wednesday night to keep his children fed as well as they were?  He was in the military, my Lord.  He served his country with honor, and yet we were to be punished for my father doing the honorable thing; providing for his family.  Is that not why You created man, my Lord?

Why did You save me so many times?  Why was I not subverted?  Why was I not allowed to live blind as Your flock does?  Did You truly curse me with eyes to see, ears to hear?  Why should my empathic side be stronger than anyone elses?  I do not wish to cry any more.  Oh my God, it hurts.  It hurts.  It hurts.

My God, My Goddess...  Why have I a been allowed to fall in love so many times, only to be torn away from it right at the moment I am ready to sacrifice my entire self for the cause of my future?  I have been crucified, burned at the stake.  I have been lynched, and electricuted.  I have been stuck in a gas chamber and smothered to death, and drowned, over and over and over again. 

My Father, My Mother, are you laughing at me?  Is this so funny to You, the suffering of a man who wants nothing more than peace?  My Lord, you gave me insight; You created my mind to find beauty in the simplest blade of grass, to become transfixed by the glory of this single life amongst billions of others, and yet, I do not have Your Voice.  I am tainted.  I am dirty.  I am of no true consequence...

Forgive me, Father, Mother; I know it is not by Your Almighty hand that I am cursed, but by Your Grace that I am blessed.

For all my pain, You have allowed me to keep my happiest of memories.  For all my hate, you have allowed me, two times now, to truly give and feel love.  For all my lack of drive, You have not removed any of my talents, talents I know could contribute to the betterment of Your most favored of Creations. 

But Father, Mother, why must it be so hard?  Why must we walk through all nine levels of Hell before we can reach the gates of Paradise?  Why must we become so lost in dense woods in the middle of a starless, moonless night, before we can find rest in the sunlit fields of Eden? 

Father, Mother, I am so tired.  Why must I stay awake?  Please, oh please My God, My Goddess, forgive me. 

I seek to pay homage to the Sun, the Light of the World, and walk on water as Your Son does every single day. 

To You, Father, Mother, Amen-Ra.