Chapter 1 : The Beginning. (Sort of)

As I was dressing for my appointment I realized I would be in city hall. I put some extra powder on “down there” because every time I go to city hall my nuts itch. So this is the point where you go Um we are a couple sentences in and all we know is City Hall makes your nuts itch. 5yrs ago I was involved in an international incident in which things got real ugly for a lot of people. I came out of it with a million bucks and all documents were destroyed on all sides. 10 yrs ago I was an independant pro wrestler 15 yrs ago I was in the navy. 40 yrs ago I was nothing but a twinkle in Dennis’s eye. The fact remains the only thing in my past that would interest you I have no interest in writing about (yet). I have an aversion to death.

I walked down through the Tenderloin. Oh the Tenderloin let me tell you about the Tenderloin. If you have a personal God when he/she/it decides to give the world and enema the TL is where they will stick the hose. I walked to the corner of Turk and Leavenworth it is the bottom part of pill hill. No “hello” or “how you doing”, here the conversation is “OC’s”, Methadone, And Chiba (black tar) here you can buy everything almost. To entertain myself when I run across a drug dealer who asks what I need hew can get me. So far today was a “Buffalo Bills Super bowl win.” And “A rich blonde with big tits,” They have started to leave me alone. I walked through the UN Plaza on Market St. It was filled with sleeping pigeons and homeless. The area around City Hall was pristine the homeless are quietly shooed away back to the TL. I showed my ID and investigators license to the sheriff’s deputy. He consulted the list and waved me through the metal detector. I had left my gun at home because I don’t do well with guns. When I shoot a gun anything within 50 ft is in danger. Also I was coming too talked to a Politician who is violently opposed to guns (His idea of Gun Control is for the US to stop manufacturing guns and the problem will be solved.) and I wouldn’t want to shoot him with my Sig-Saur……..

Peter Larson’s office was on the third floor I entered his lobby and came across a fucking hippie. He looked at my clothes. I was wearing black jeans and a Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt. I could see in his eyes he was disappointed his boss would see such a mindless cretin. I looked back at him with a look of what are you going to do about it. See at 6’4 275 lbs people like the hippie will leave us alone because we haven’ evolved enough for them to talk to us. “Mr. Garrison. Welcome to our office.” “Yeah should I just have a seat till his majesty is ready or just stand here and scratch my nuts. “ He didn’t smile. “Please sit Mr. Garrison may I offer you a soy latte or perhaps a vitamin drink” I sat down and shook my head. He went back to writing hippie policy or what ever. I looked around the office. There was a picture of Dafur. And another of Morroco. There were pictures of him with the president of green peace, as well as riding as honorary Dykes on Bikes. The dude was good he had intimidated annoyed and just took progressive politics to an unhealthy extreme.

At 11:20 I was ushered into Peter Larson’s office. It was what you expected for a Board of Supervisors office. The desk had a couple of framed pictures on it as well as a computer. The walls were covered in photo ops Larson couldn’t avoid. He was second only to the Mayor in creating publicity for himself. They called Pete Larson the Progressive Pit-bull because he never stopped telling people how right he is and how wrong the rest of the world is. The pit bull himself was a wiry go teed little weasel. He had receding hair and thick glasses. He sat there for a few seconds and I could feel he was uncomfortable not with the size or clothing but what he needed me for. “Please Mr. Garrison have a seat.” I sat down in a cloth chair in front of his desk. “Let me for the record state I am uncomfortable with you in my office you represent everything I am trying to change in the world. You were in the military did you kill many children? Or when you were a sports entertainer did you stop to think how your participation would affect the children in your audience. And now you are a thug. Legally you can carry a concealed weapon you do not solve violence with violence it is about tolerance and acceptance.” Before he could go on I shook my head. “I was in the peacetime Navy so no haven’t killed any kid’s but I still have to walk back to my Apt in the TL and hey ya never know I may get lucky. Cut the crap Pete I live in the real world so just move on” He looked around nervously. He took a sip of his water. “ I receive a lot of threats on my life. It is part of the business most are poor souls who just need to vent. 3 weeks ago I received another threat this one seemed more personal then usual so I kept it. A week later I got another one this one talking about my wife and the things she did that day. 3 days ago I got this.” He pushed a manila envelope over to me. I opened it and pulled out a picture of Pete at a fundraiser and there was a red dot in his head. “Some one scoped you? Why not take the shot?” He shrugged. “That is why I am here to find out why he hasn’t taken his shot yet?” He nodded. “My assistant before he became a progressive he was in the military and worked for the CIA. He referred me to a man named Boris Rostov. Mr. Rostov was reluctant to help because he said he didn’t want to work for me. But he recommended you. So I ran a background check and there is a three month gap. Where there is nothing so I called some friends in Washington and no one could find out anything except it is a taboo subject. I want to find out who is doing this and help me get him off the street.” I nodded. Not only was my head pounding but my nuts never itched so much in my life.

Of Course I took the job. I am a whore and proud of it. The first thing I did when I got home was call Boris. Boris was trained in the 60’s to be a spy then the Russians sent him to Roy Shire in San Francisco. Roy promoted pro wrestling in the San Francisco Area. When Boris wasn’t wrestling he was spying. Trips to Colorado to watch NORAD being built. When the Soviet Union folded Boris became intelligence mercenary. He has run guns to china and hunted terrorist with the German GSG9. Boris also trained wrestlers with Johnny Flash. That is how I knew him that and he helped with the mission 5 yrs ago. His secretary Antje answered. “2 questions babe. First is he in. and second are you ready to put out yet? “ “Ah Jim he has been waiting for you and even your dick ain’t 3000 miles long and I got a vibrator in my purse.” I was strongly attracted to Antja and I had actually never met her. Boris finally came on the line. “James how lovely to here from you.” “Boris what kind of dumb shit act is this. Why didn’t you want to work for Larson?” I heard him laugh. “Are you nuts I am not putting my fingerprints any where near the train wreck that is SF Politics. Besides the guy is such a weasel I told him it would be to hard for me not to shoot him.” I understood but money is money. “ Any suggestions oh great one?” “Yeah first thing I would do is get the family covered and him with a body guard. Then I would try to shadow the shadows. Oh by the way Jim 3 of my people are in town so if you can use them go ahead.” I thanked him and hung up the phone. I went online and found out everything I could about Pete Larson. He had dropped out of a prestigious college and met his wife at world youth day in Cuba. He had fed the children in Africa and Protested the British for not loosing up it’s immigration laws.

His politics were extreme. He had a 8 yr old son named Dylan. His wife was a environmental lawyer with the ACLU. They lived in a house at the edge of the Tenderloin. All in all he was nuts,

Chapter 2: Celluloid Heroes.

I spent 3 hrs setting up the basics. I had 2 of Boris’s guys following the wife and kid. The other one was watching City Hall. I was in Larsons office. “Look Pete you need a bodyguard period. Keep in mind you will be killed if the killer is passionate or smart enough. Either way I am going to put a man on you.” He shook his head. I will not cave in and walk around with a thug at my side.” I looked around the room. “Where is the camera?” He looked at me like I was nuts. “The camera you know your lover the spotlight. Look stop talking like there is a microphone in front of you. You want me to find this guy as well as keep your family safe. To do that you need to drop your views and accept that people like me are real and we serve a purpose. “Very Well but they can not be armed.” Wow my nuts really itched on that one. “Don’t be an idiot. I am going to tell you what I do know. There are at least 3 of them. One is a shooter and a good one. He scoped you from 500 yards I can tell that by the size of the dot. The camera man was 30 ft of so from you. It is a message they can get you any time any place. They want to cause fear and disruption. So my guys will be armed as well as me. We will work 3 shifts 1 of us will always be with you and your family.” I opened my cell phone and dialed a number “come on” I hung up the phone. “Tell your secretary my guy is coming up.” Darryl was a ex con who went through my TX program I worked at. He was a former army ranger. And won the boxing championship at Pelican Bay prison. I had used him on more then one occasion. “Darryl this is Mr. Larson. “ He shook Pete’s hand. “So what now.” “Now we get to work. I would ask if you had any enemies but that would just be a waste of time. So I am going to talk to some people and you are going to do whatever it is you do.”

I took the 21 Hayes to 890 Fillmore. It was a 91 bed residential TX facility that I had worked at for a couple years. I often went up to BS. I walked into the staff office. I saw Steve in the back having lunch. Steve was a 2 striker who got his act together and now was a counselor. Hey Old Man what up.” He gave me a big smile. “It is what it is. These assholes just keeping dumber. They want to provide couples counseling for people who meet in TX” It was the reason I left the business. The people running it were just getting dumber. Harm Reduction was in full force in San Francisco. I told Steve what I was doing. He sat quietly for a minute. “Man you are one cool dude but sometimes I just want to hit you. You are protecting the asshole that is killing my business Mr. “Oh lets open shooting gallery so people won’t leave needles around.” Even though you’re an idiot I will ask around some of my more unsavory mentee’s.” One of the unwritten rules was once you were chosen as a mentor you became a surrogate parent. “Thanks you old fuck is Steph in.” Steph was the facility manager she had been there forever. She went for running a TX program to running a homeless shelter. I walked back to her office and knocked on her door. “What.” I walked in and shut the door. “How you doing?” She looked up. “Mother Fuckers are nuts all of them. I just kicked a kid out who has been in a relationship with 3 of the woman in the house.” I smiled “what no couples counseling. She flipped me the bird.” I took a seat and told her what I was doing. She just nodded her head. When I finished she got up and looked out her window. “You know Jim we never could figure you out. And this doesn’t help. Ah well just another chapter in my dissertation. Ok what do you need from me?” I wasn’t sure any time I had problems I would run them by her, “Hmmm well what is the motivation? I mean these guys why are they doing it? “I shrugged. “ This guy is nuts Steph. He lives in such an unreal world. A motive well there is everything he hates anyone who isn’t a progressive he will tolerate a liberal as long as they are way left. So that narrows it down to the rest of San Francisco.” She nodded. “Think it could be a screw ball? Maybe a couple guys off there meds. “It was possible there is a large untreated mental health population. “Hmmm maybe that is where I should start.” She nodded. I walked out of 890 and took the bus back downtown. When I finally got home I opened my safe and took out the gun. I took a deep breathe and jammed the clip in. I locked and loaded. Boris had taught me to always have the gun ready to go. Last thing you want is for the gun to get jammed when your about to shoot it. I put it in the small of my back and put on my Triple H leather jacket. I had no idea on where to begin as far as screwballs go. I walked down to the Cop Shop on Eddy and Jones.

Sergeant Lewis was a member of the SFPD nut patrol. His main job was to try to talk the mentally ill and substance abusers into TX. He essentially knew everyone in the TL and the names of the voices in they’re heads. “Actually Jim the homeless are getting sick of the homeless. We got 30 percent of our shelter beds taken up by illegals. Another 40 percent on disability for everything from having no legs to crack induced psychosis. They move the ones on disability into SRO hotels. And boy the dealers line up on check day. So yeah I could see someone go off the deepend but I haven’t heard of anything yet but if I do I will call you.”

I had the night shift, so I went home to grab a nap. My apt was on the fourth floor of a building at Ellis and Jones. It wasn’t much. I could certainly afford more but it fit my purposes. One large room contained my little world. A double bed. A computer system which served as my entertainment center. Wrestling posters on the wall and a replica of The Big Gold Belt. I got into some shorts and hunkered in for a nap. I awoke at 9:30 to relieve Oscar who was currently on Larson Patrol. I had my coffee and a cigarette. I was packing my bag when the phone rang. “Yeah” It was Michelle Davis. She was girlfriend who like me wasn’t ready to settle down. “Hey Baby buy me dinner?” I lit a smoke. “Ah alas dear girl I cannot. See I am now working for Pete Larson and since you are a straight conservative African American if I see you I would have to kill you.” I heard her chuckle “No really what are you talking about?” I explained my new job. “Well Jim never a dull moment huh?” I hung up with Michelle and finished packing. I had my laptop and some special cables. I had my Sig Sauer p-229 pistol in on top of a Triple H sweatshirt. I wasn’t all that concerned with getting safely to my car. It was only a block away. I started the Thing up and drove down Ellis st. At 11 at night the creatures are out. Hookers some Male some Female some Both. The Speed freaks they’re eyes never looking straight ahead. The nodded out heroin addicts, the 16 yr old dealers trying to impress they’re friends with bling. The angry and hopeless. Gotta love progressive politics.

The house was an old Victorian painted aqua. There was a 2 car garage with Oscar’s Lexus was outside. I grabbed my bag and waited for Oscar to open the door. The lawn was pristine there was a compost bin and all the proper recyclables. Oscar put his finger to his lip and motioned me in. The foyer was a long hallway there were pictures of the rainforest and Antarctica. Oscar led me into what looked like the dining room except the tables and chairs were made of barrels. “Look Jim these people are nuts. That nutball of a wife thought it was great of you to hire “undocumented Workers” what the fuck is that about? I explained to her that I was born in Grand Rapids, Dad was a High School Social Studies teacher and Mom was a manager of Wal Mart. I explained how I enlisted in the Marines at 18 and while there I got a degree in Political Science. Since then I have been a body guard for very important people. She didn’t speak to me the rest of the night. There is no coffee only organic tea. No meat, no sugar for a treat the kid got a organic berry soy bar. What the fuck is that about? That kid has a long life of ass kicking’s coming.” “That is why I took the night shift they are all asleep I can maybe get some more info.” He slapped me on the back “Look amigo I don’t know what is happening here but none of it seems right. Louie is down the street and Darryl will relieve you.” I nodded. I unpacked my bag. Subway Sandwich Large Diet Coke and a thermos of Starbucks Sumatra coffee. I clipped the gun to my hip and took out the flashlight. I made a round of the house. The main thing I noticed was there wasn’t anything personal no Photo’s no statues nothing. The walls were covered with more rainforest pics as well as Anti American pictures. The living room had pillows on the floor; the books that lined the walls were a history of the problems of the world and how to bitch about them. I went into they’re office. 2 Matching desk were back to back in the middle of the room. The computers were the only electronics I saw. The rest of the office had more conspiracy books. The more I looked around the more I realized these people have no sense of humor.

At 2:45 I was copying the hard drives off the computer when my phone vibrated. It was Louie. “Jim you got 2 incoming cars I am behind them at a discreet distance.” “Stay on the line.” I disconnected the computers and went into the kitchen and turned out the lights. “Jim there slowing down.” I took out my gun and released the safety. I walked toward the front of the house. I watched throught the curtains as the cars stopped. “Louie get up here.” They were 2 old caddy’s they looked exactly alike. One stopped right in front of the house the other took off down the hill. They were pro’s 3 got out of the caddy. 2 of them had guns the third lit a jewish flag on fire and threw it. Then they got into the caddie and took off. Louie decided not to follow but he got they’re pictures. “I will send this off to Boris.” I nodded and turned around the Larson’s were standing there looking like the scared people they were. They’ rightgous bravado was gone. For the first time in a long time the Larson’s faced reality.

I ushered them into they’re dining room. “Stay here don’t move or speak.” Pete looked like he was going to have a microphone moment but thought better of it. “Louie get Oscar and Darryl up here.” I turned around to the Larson’s. I sat down in one of the barrels and got my thermos of coffee. “Look you got a real problem here. Why would some one light a Jewish flag on fire and throw it on your yard?” Pete Larson shrugged. We have always been pro palastinian. Maybe they were brothers in our cause and were showing they’re support.” His wife looked at him. “Shut the fuck up Pete.” I smirked. She turned to me. “And you. You are armed yet you didn’t shoot why?” I nodded. “Ok I didn’t shoot for a variety of reasons. One: Don’t want to wake the neiborghs. Two: I didn’t have a clean shot. Three they were not attacking they were practicing they were probing your defenses.” She shook her head. I took another sip of coffee. “It is like this one car was a diversion if something went wrong it would help confuse the police while the others got away. They didn’t have masks on incase someone gave they’re descriptions to the cops, the other car had the exact opposite. And I doubt it was “brothers in a cause”. The flag thrower was Black the 2 guns were white, Were running they’re pics through AFIS” Oscar was the first to show up. “I got over watch on the roof. Darryl is 5 mins out and is taking the street. Louie is standing by when we have to move we will be ready.” I clipped the radio into my ear and nodded. “Ok you guys get some clothes 1 small bag each. Pete get any personal papers that may help you survive such as passports.” Pete got up and took the kid out of the room. Mrs. Larson stayed where she was. “ I am fascinated Mr. Garrison. What did all that mean?” It is a battle plan to keep you and your family safe.” She looked puzzled. “ I mean Over Watch? On the Street?” I inhaled a deep breath. Oscar is on the roof with a scoped rifle. If it looks like another run he will persuade them to stop. If they get past him then Dayrll will shoot to disable the vehicles, and Louie will be driving you out of here.” She stood up and walked out.

Chapter 3

The night that made America famous.

They came at 4:15 am. 2 Caddy’s. “Louie get up here let’s not fuck around.” I grabbed the Larsons and took them to the front door. They ducked down when Oscar took a couple shots. “Jim, moving left.” It was Daryl. I aimed the gun down the street on the right. Time moved slow Louie pulled up in his SUV. I took 2 shots as covering fire and got them into the SUV. As he was pulling away I heard sirens in the distance. The nieboghrs lights were on. “Time to go gentlemen” I jumped into the Thing, Oscar jumped off the garage roof and jumped in. “Lets go Louie is taking them to a safe house in the Sunset.” I took off down Leavenworth and took a left on O’Farrell and continued towards downtown. I pulled into my garage with a smile to the Undocumented Worker who ran the place. Oscar went to get his car and I went home. I stared at my bed wishing I could stay and use it. Instead I micro waved my coffee and got on the phone. “Boris it just went south.” I explained the situation. “Oh shit they burned an Israeli flag? Jim get the laptop to the safe house Mark will be there in a couple hrs.” Mark was Boris’s computer weenie. “What is up Boris?” “I don’t know but we will once we get the computer hacked.” “What makes you so sure?” There was a long silence. “It is the Israeli flag that bothers me. What would a delusional politician have to do with Israel?”

It was a question I pondered for as long as it took to get to the sunset. At 42 and Judah we pulled up to a 2 story house. Louie’s SUV was in the driveway. Oscar and I got out of his BMW. Oscar took his rifle and headed around the back. I knocked on the door. Louie looked out and opened the door. He had his gun at his hip. “Daryl went to the airport to get Mark. The family is in the dining room turning there noses up at the non organic food we have.” I shook my head. They were fanatics and fanatics were stupid dangerous people. I walked into the office. It was high tech. 2 computers with 26 inch flat panel monitors, a 52 inch plasma screen TV. And all the accoutrements. I went into the dining room and poured myself a cup of coffee. “Ok play time is over. I want answers not rhetoric. First why would any middle eastern types want to take you out?” Pete shrugged his shoulders “As I said I am very pro Palestine. I sit on the Board of Directors of The International Palestinian Relief Fund. We take donations and send them to organizations that strengthen the effort to reclaim the Gaza strip.” Oh fuck me. “Wait you sit on the Board of Directors in an orgination tied to terrorism.” “We do not fund terrorist organizations that is just the Gov trying to protect they’re oil interests. Once we get rid of the republicans we will be exonerated.” I sipped my coffee. “Um yeah great. Now while we are on the subject who exactly is these organizations?” He looked uncomfortable. “Well I really don’t know the Board is more for Policy making then for the actual disbursement of funds.” I smiled. I was fucked and I knew I was fucked. I took out my phone and dialed Boris. “ It is turning into The Last Stand.” The Last Stand was what we called our little adventure 5 yrs ago. “Yes Jim it is. I will be there late tonight.” He hung up.

Chapter 4

Live and Let Die.

I am an idiot. I have been a long time. We spoke amongst ourselves of the pro’s and con’s. Pro the check won’t bounce. Con everything else. So when the put the decision on me I said yes finish the job. I told you I was an idiot.

It was decided we would deal with it in the morning. Oscar woke me at 3 a.m. “The family is gathering to watch there house burn down on channel 5.” I rolled out of bed and groggily went to the kitchen for coffee. I walked into the room with the plasma. Say what you will but it does all look better on a plasma. The entire house was engulfed. The flames were shooting up 10 or 15 ft and the wind was blowing embers everywhere.

It went on for an hour. No one knew what had happened except us. The Larson’s were gone they couldn’t believe what was happening. “You know if you hadn’t laid off that other battalion to fund a methadone van it may not have been so bad.” They didn’t move. “Jim they are in shock don’t be snooty.” I nodded and we watched. At 5 am I turned off the TV. They didn’t move. “Look we need to figure out what to do. We can’t let people know where you are once the press gut’s here it is game over.” Pete looked up. “Mr. Garrison it isn’t fair to my constituents to keep them in the dark like this.” Boris shook his head. “You misunderstand Mr. Larson. Your constituents don’t care they stopped caring a long time ago. Your stupid friends are about to descend on city hall. They will protest and scream the will get more face time. If you’re found they’re spotlight is gone. So we are going to ask a lot of questions and you are going to answer them.” Pete remained stoic the kid was asleep on his mothers chest. ‘But I will just call someone and tell them I am on vacation in Central America.” Boris laughed. “You dumb son of a bitch. You say that and everybody hears “I am being held by the government and am being water boarded for sexual satisfaction or some bullshit.” Mrs. Larson looked up. “They are right Pete. Can I put the boy to bed before we talk?” I nodded. She got up and walked out.

We were sitting in the living room. As a group we could have looked better. The Larson’s were haggard and they’re eyes were red and puffy. Boris and Mark looked about as good as I felt. “Ok first things first the ground rules. We are not interested in your rhetoric we need straight up answers. First question? Why do have a combined 5 million in your bank accounts.” Pete looked up and said nothing. Mrs. Larson on the other hand did have something to say. “ Mr. Garrison that money is is distributed at the end of the year to our various causes.” Wrong Liar liar pants on fire. I looked at Mark. “Um yeah about that I don’t know how dumb you think people are but I have your financial records for the last 3 yrs. And every year you put 3-4 million dollars in a Stock portfolio. Now the reason we are bringing this up is that as progressives I thought it was all about making the world safe from corporate and political interests.” Pete shook his head. “No Progressive politics is about..” I cut him off. “Don’t care just answer the question why are practicing capitalism?” Mrs. Larson looked up. “We just want to make sure our child is taken care of.” I lit a smoke. “His name is Dylan why don’t you every call him by his name in conversation.” “I don’t understand.” She said. I looked at Boris. “James this just sucks more and more every minute. Mrs. Larson the question is certainly easy enough but I will expand it. Why is there no reference to you or your family in your daily living? No family portraits nothing personalized.” I poured another cup of coffee. And waited as they formulated a answer. “Mr. Rostov. Do not think you are superior just because you have a piture of your family on your wall. We checked you out through some friends. You were an assassin for the KGB. You used Sports Entertainment as a cover. You were a good communist which is commendable to bad they screwed it up. When the Soviet Union collapsed instead of supporting your belief system you went into business for your self. We know what you do you are a mercenary you help the highest bidder. Does your money go to support bringing back communism your belief system.”

Boris looked at me. “These people are pieces of work.” He turned to the Larsons. “I was raised in the Soviet Union you were a communist the day you came out of the womb. I joined the KGB because my wife was killed by an Armenian Separatist and I wanted revenge. And I got it. I was not a Sports Entertainer I was a Wrestler. When the Soviet Union collapsed I removed myself from it. The new government was recalling all of our agents for debriefing at Lubyanka. I was not interested in dying slowly. I do not work for the highest bidder I work for the cause much like yourselves. Yes I have sold guns but look at my clients. Not one of them is a crazy dictator or terrorist. I don’t work for people who are destroying the innocent.” Cue the look of confusion. The poor Larson’s were torn. One the one hand Boris represented the worst in the world yet he supported good causes and there in lied the problem. “You people have no concept of individuality do you. You are blindly following whatever the cause of the moment is then you move on. When you actually sit down and talk to people they shatter your delusions. My God a thug with a gun we know how he will act. And when I didn’t blindly shoot everything that moved you got confused. When Mark explained he was not an oppressed mass, you got confused. Same with Oscar. You’re about the cause not the people. You want to put up a shooting gallery where junkies can get clean needles and are medically supervised while they shoot up.” Boris and Mark both looked at me. Really?” Boris said. I nodded. “Yet when was the last time you talked to a 35 yrs old woman who looks 60 shooting up and when did you go and talk to the girl while she was on the nod.” They had a pre taped answer but I wasn’t going for it. “Uh uh no rhetoric remember. The original question remains. Why do you put your money into stocks every year?” They both just sat there.

I called Det Snyder. “You got anything on the Larson’s house fire?”Nope it looked like it was set intentionally they figure gasoline soaked rags lit and thrown throughout the house. Good thing they were not home huh? Speaking of you wouldn’t happen to know where the Larson’s are some people would surely like to speak to them.” I smiled “What a shame I heard from a reliable source that they cut out they’re own tongues and moved to Tibet to fight the Chinese.” “That’s what I thought. Keep in touch huh.” He hung up. We were getting nowhere fast.

The next thing on the agenda would require the greatest amount of powder on my nuts. I called the Mayors office to set up a meeting between the right honorable(If you call getting drunk and screwing your best friends wife honorable.) Jansie Adams. Jansie was a great looking, primped and proper idiot. He had legalized Gay Marriage to get some face time knowing damn well it was against state and federal law. Jansie had declared San Francisco a sanctuary city and approved a measure to give ID’s to Illegals so they can easier access services. Jansie was a walking photo op. And he had the most perfect unmovable hairdo in the business. The Mayor agreed to meet with me right away. I drove downtown to my apt. I grabbed a shower and perused my wardrobe. I decided on a Kurt Angle you suck t-shirt and black levy’s. This time I carried my gun. When I moved here Mark had gotten me a concealed weapon law enforcement permit. At least that is what the computer said after he hacked it. There was no such thing as a law enforcement concealed weapons permit. I took out my permit and ID and handed them to the security guard at the metal detector. He waved me around. “I am sorry sir but I cannot allow you to proceed carrying your weapon. He walked me over to a Wall with little lockers. I put the gun in one of them got a receipt and headed upstairs. The Mayors office was huge. There were 3 couches in the waiting room and a desk with a very hot little blonde behind the desk. Her chest was certainly impressive as was her blonde hair. “I am Jim Garrison I am here to see hizzoner.” She smiled. Then she opened her mouth. “Oooh Mr. Garrison like the mayor like is hella busy but he will be with you rickety tickety.” Unreal. The door of the inner sanctum opened and he appeared. There was something about Ansie he had the natural charisma like Dusty Rhoades., Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan. If I was to use a metaphor I would say he was more like the Hulkster. Great Look said stuff that made everyone want to be like him. But put him in the ring and you were screwed if you tried to wrestle over 10 minutes. He came up to me in full bullshit mode. “Mr. Garrison thank you for coming please come in may I get you anything?” There was something wrong my nuts didn’t itch. I walked into the inner sanctum. The Mayor looked at the blonde and said. “Tiffie please bring coffee for 2.” I walked into the office. I was good sized with a large oak desk 4 leather chairs and the normal bookshelves to make you look smart. A picture of your 20 yr old girlfriend to make you look hip. “Please sit down may I call you Jim?” I nodded. “Good now Jim what can I do for your today?” The guy was a phony. It was why my nuts didn’t itch. “Let me tap that fine little secretary of yours.” He opened his mouth before thinking. “I’ve been trying to nail her since she started.” He then realized what he had said. And without realizing it he gave me some leverage.

The Mayor smiled. “Ok so it is an act. This is just a springboard to another level so I say whatever people want me to and I do what they want me to do. And at the end of the day I jump into bed with a 20 yr old bulimic model. And I get away with it. Wanna know why? Because people are stupid. They will over look infidelity, substance abuse, and partying in there public officials as long as they do what is correct. Do you know who the Mayor of Secaucus NJ? Is? No because he never does anything outrageous in the name of Secaucus Values. Politics has nothing to do with government any more then the Diva’s Search has to do with Pro Wrestling.” I was impressed. “Tell me more.” He reached over and pressed a button on the phone. “Tiff get that coffee in here and regretfully inform the rest of my appointments this morning that I have become indisposed.” After she brought the coffee he reached in his drawer and pulled out a cigarette. “See Jim in politics it is about power and the game itself. See I don’t do what is right we do what is correct. Big difference. You pander to special interest groups they can make or break you. In San Francisco even more so. Imagine you base the government and policies of a city or a country on a minority interest. Minority Interest makes the world go round. So in public I don’t support the military because Code Pink got’s some pull. And of course welcoming and providing services for those poor misplaced refugees that means illegal by the way. And the Coalition on Homelessness they are just as nuts as the rest of them but boy they have stroke. So I pander to them. When I leave here for Congress or the Senate or Even the Governors mansion I will tell them I have reflected very hard on my time as mayor and some of my policies looking back on them were bad such as gay marriage or illegal immigration. And bang I lose a Francisco but gain a nation. Conservatives will flock to me because I eschewed SF Values. The Democrats will be on my side because Democrats like introspection.” Why are you telling me this?”

He took a long drag off a cigarette. “I very rarely get to sit down with someone with a personality. Most of them are cause oriented cause driven and have no time to have fun. Except maybe a doobie after a protest. The world is losing its ability for independent thought. People are so mindless. Look at the I-Phone it’s new and it is neat so you must have one or you won’t be cool. And what happened? Lines around the block the day they went on sale.” It was a scary thought. But old Ansie was right politics had as much to do with governing as wrestling had to do with competitive sports. “See Jim the problem is people crave entertainment it has been the governments way of keeping people occupied. During the Roman Empire the Emperor would put on gladiator shows for the masses so they could ignore there hum drum existence. The same today every time a politician does something stupid it is because they are really doing something stupid and need to cover it up.”

Ansie poured us each a cup of coffee. He offered cream and sugar but I declined I like it bitter and black and no there is no random sexual joke. As we sat there he continued on. “San Francisco has become a laughing stock as far as the rest of the world goes. We are the ten year old who eats Pay-Doh and rides the special yellow bus. We believe we are right and the rest of the world is wrong kinda annoying huh?” I nodded and he continued. We are hopelessly divided along party lines. And the parties themselves are really the same, some differences in philosophy of course but for the most part it is about furthering the parties agenda. In the old days it was possible to get things done that made sense. But today anything you want to get done has to get run through your political enemies.” And there it was the reality of politics in a nice manageable sentence.

 The First Novella is available for free at webs.com/johnmccartin