It may come as a surprise to many Xombies that I do indeed have a life outside of Xomba. For that, I apologize. I realize that my absence over the past month and a half has been difficult for some and downright unbearable for others. (You know who you are.) Rest assured that I shall be back on a more regular basis in the coming weeks. For everyone who has been wondering exactly what I’ve been up to, I shall offer a brief synopsis.

On “Black Friday,” I proposed to my then girlfriend of several years…and she accepted.

For the next week or so, I milled around and played video/computer games and tried to avoid anything that involved wedding planning.

Then I took a trip out of state to visit family that I rarely get to see.

Then Christmas came and I was busy eating food and watching sports…and playing games.

Then I found out I was to be inducted into the Xomba Hall of Fame. (Acceptance speech soon to come…maybe.) This is an undue honor that I humbly accept and hope to live up to in the near future.

Then New Year’s came and I was busy eating food and watching sports…and playing more games. I even started planning wedding stuff.

Then I started following up on a new project soon to be announced. It will be an extension of my profound writing forte and will involve much of the philosophy and knowledge that I have acquired throughout my tenure on this planet.

And now you are all up-to-date on my life for the past six weeks.

During my time away, I’ve realized two things:

1. That playing games, instead of researching for and writing articles, is much more fun.

2. That this country is entirely screwed as of right now. The voting public has really outdone themselves this time.

Since I have been gone for some important news events, I will now try to bring my readers up to speed on some of my thoughts about current situations here and around the world.

The “Blago Scandal” – He was just impeached by the Illinois House, so his time is pretty much short-lived as a governor. He probably could have been arrested already if Patrick Fitzgerald wasn’t a complete Incompetent. (Yes, he’s the same guy that bungled the Scooter Libby affair.) This is what happens when boy prosecutors try to handle a job intended for a man.

The Israel/Hamas Conflict – Let Israel do what they need to do. The world is too involved with Israeli national sovereignty. If they were allowed to eliminate once and for all the terrorist factions that continually target them, we wouldn’t have this problem revisited every couple of years. And no, I don’t feel sorry for the people in Gaza. They know that Hamas is a terrorist organization and they openly celebrate it when rockets are being fired into Israel from their neighbor’s house. If they insist on living under the protection of a terrorist organization, then they will feel the effects of retaliation from those who are targeted by their protector’s (Hamas’) attacks and propaganda.

Somali Pirates – Kill them all. It’s time for our Navy to stop acting like a bunch of little girls playing on a Barbie schooner. If I have to hear one more story about a six-man band of stick-figured punks taking over an oil tanker with an RPG launcher and a few AK-47’s, I’ll take a little trip to the Somali coast and kill the bastards myself. Hey, President Bush…grow a set already!

Obama Appointments – I think Barack has now nominated more of Bill Clinton’s former staff than Bill Clinton did.

The Bowl Championship Series (BCS), or just the “BS” – And here we are – AGAIN – a day after the “championship game” still wondering who the nation’s top college football team is. And the media thinks Bernie Madoff’s scheme was a fraud?!

The Mayan Calendar and Doomsday Prophecies – I believe I already dispelled this garbage about the end of the world in 2012, but I’ll do it again to humor you. It’s called the “Great Cycle.” Look it up. We’re simply entering another age, one that happened to be calculated by astronomical alignments…so there’s no mystery why different cultures predicted the same dates. For those expecting the end of civilization – or the world in general – I would like to refer you to the “Y2K” phenomenon.

By the way…God’s existence has still not been proven, vegetarianism is still demonstrably absurd, most celebrities are still a waste of human life, and the government is still only a necessary evil at best.

I hope this has answered the questions many of you have had in recent weeks, both about my personal life and my feelings on worldly events. This is going to be an exciting year for me – and I hope for many of you as well. I promise to be back in near-full swing in the next few weeks. Then things on Xomba will be back to normal…outlandish debates, silly accusations, false assumptions, misinterpretations, wholesale ignorance…and then my perspective on things.

Thanks for reading, and good luck in this new year.

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