Okay, so I know this is going to be notoriously difficult which is why I’ve been putting it off for months. My mother has tried to do it before. They told her they needed her bank details to do it; that was the first time she was charged for quitting; - they did not cancel her AOL account, they added another one. They were charging her twice for the one service from the one PC for the one username. She called again. Same story. Now she’s paying for two broadband memberships and a regular one.

Damn, I thought. I know, I’ll just go to my bank and tell them to stop sending payment to AOL, - that way they’d be angry at me for not paying them and thus stop my account.

“No dear, we can’t do that from here. You have to contact the service/debtor and get them to do it.”

What the hell, I thought. That’s my money and if I don’t want to give it to people for something that I don’t even want in the first place then I shouldn’t have to.

Well, I thought I’d be clever and scour the AOL help list for how to cancel. Turns out it can’t be done that way either.

There’s absolutely no access to any page containing info on how to abandon those worthless sons of bitches. But I knew this already – I'd come across plenty of articles badmouthing those scurvy bastards and detailing every failed step of the authors' attempts at independence from AOL’s surprise butt-sex. And their website is no better – absolutely EVERYTHING is ‘un-available’ to non-US customers. Yankee bastards.

So, I have to make a phone call now. No doubt they’re gonna try and get me to stay. Actually, I’m more scared of them pillaging my bank account. That’s where my money lives and I kind of need it for food and stuff.

By the way; here’s the worthless page that is supposed to tell me how to quit;
http://help.AOL.co.uk/how-do-i-cancel-my-AOL/article/20060829061509990006

So, my prediction of this phone call are as follows (and are based on what I have heard from other unhappy customers);

1. The call centre WILL be located in India or some other country where English is not first language.

Now I am not racist, ok? But when I have a problem that I need specific information on, then I need to speak to someone who speaks my language – god knows I have enough difficulty in getting people that DO speak the same language to understand the simplest concepts.

Also, that is why I prefer speaking to a person-helper on the phone rather than a machine – it allows for open-ended questions instead of repeating the same script over and over.

2. They will try at least twice to get me to stay a customer. Bonus points if they offer a discount package.

3. They may charge me for an extra account but we won’t know the outcome of this one until I check my bank statements.

4. If I’m adamant enough, they may pass me to a supervisor because he has way more of a connection with me – a random customer-person from half way across the globe.

Okay, here goes…..actually, I’m gonna prep myself and make some coffee because…

Prediction 5. The call will last at least 15 minutes. 1 bonus point if it reaches 20. 2 points if it lasts longer than half and hour. And 20 points if it goes into an hour.

Coffee

Okay, commence dialling: 4.00pm

So I got through to a machine. There’s a spool just over a min and half explaining that that number is no longer in use and that I could call an up-to-date number - 0844 499 5555 and they reel it off faster than any human can actually put pen to paper so I listen to it twice which means that I have to call twice thus paying for it twice. This new number however, will only be in use ‘til November. I get the vibe that they like to move around a lot - kind of like a gang of thieves that don’t want to be found. They also inform me that with the new number I will be charged 5p per min.

4.02pm

I dial the new number and am faced with a list of options - not too far down the list (3) I get option for billing. I'm connected to a person! A thick accent asks me what it can do for me today. It’s Irish....with Irish accents in the back reeling off a similar spool. So, no points to me – the call centre is in an English speaking country. Ah, the convenience.

Still I don't let my guard down. I tell him exactly what I want - to cancel my AOL account.
"No problem, let's just pull up your file. Can I have the number that is connecting you to our service?"

I give it to him.

"No, I'm afraid nothing is coming up for that number. Let's try your screen name. Do you know your screen name? The username that you use for signing onto AOL."

Yeah thanks, guy; I know what a screen name is. Seriously, I'm that clever. I disclose the info.

"Hmm, strange; nothing is coming up for that. And that's your username, yeah?"

"Yeah"

"Let's try your name"

Oh good, I know this one too.

I give him that info to no avail, of course. I'm starting to think I don't exist.

"Right. Let me just take your bank account details, I can match you up with that"

Those precious details - I gave them to him in a final hope of being free from these scoundrels. Still nothing.

I'm not happy. "Well you don't seem to have trouble finding me on the 14th of every month when you take money from that same account."

"I'm sorry, our system must be down. Can you call us back later when it's okay?"

"Yeah." And I hang up at 4.08.

There's no way I was gonna give up - I'd already spent months building up the steel to be prepared for their crap. So I call right back.

4.09pm

I get connected to another Irish dude. Thick accent but we manage to spell our way through things. He asks me for the same details - connection phone number and username, both with no success.
.
"Hmm, let me see if I can find your bank details"

At this point I wonder what they’re going to spend my money on but lo and behold! I am found!

"Ok, can you confirm your name and address?"

".....Yes." And I do so - for a third time.

"Ok, miss, that's fine. Now can I ask why you want to cancel your account?"

Here it comes, I think, they're going to try and sell me things. I brace myself and say “I just don’t use it anymore....at all."

"So I see, hope it was nothing at our end"

No! Get back tele-man! Do not try and lure me into a conversation about this! I have made up my mind. "No, no, not at all."

"Okay, well there we go. This process is immediate and no further charges will be made to your account. Here's a reference number in case you change your mind. Is there anything else we can do for you today?"

....that's it? It’s over? I'm free?
"Uh, no, thanks. G'bye!"

4.15pm

I hung up before reality could invert itself and make me a prisoner once again.

People, I've done it! It took two calls to do but in total they only lasted 15 minutes. They did not try to make me stay a customer and they didn’t pass me from person to person. No points for me there. Maybe I was lucky - my mum is still paying for 3 accounts involuntarily.

Maybe it was the luck of the Irish ;)