Now that all of my children are grown and I look back upon my mistakes, I feel well qualified to give some friendly advice to those of you who are considering being a father. Potential mothers should not read this as it may give you far too many ideas.

Lesson 1) When you proudly bring that new infant home from the hospital be sure that you have a clock on your bedside stand. This is for your own good dads as I learned the hard way. When my oldest son was an infant and that inevitable cry came about every 2 to 3 hours, my wife would awaken me and say; "Honey, it's your turn". It wasn't until the next morning that I realized I had been up 4 times that night to feed and change him. My wife managed to escape the entire night without one single feeding or diaper change.

Lesson 2) The wife will always have you be the first to feed your infant strained squash for the first time. Be sure you're out of range of the propulsion which is certian to occur.

Lesson 3) If your infant is a male child and you're changing his diaper, calculate the distance and the aim then stand clear before cleaning his bottom.

Lesson 4) Spend more time with your kids than your wife or she will brainwash them into thinking you're stupid. I learned this lesson while we were walking our youngest son around the block. He picked up an old candy wrapper and licked the chocolate off. My wife began telling him about all of the germs he just ingested. My son replied; "Mommy how did you get to be so smart?" She told him that all mommies were that smart. "How?"; he asked.
"Well; if you're not that smart then God makes you into a daddy."

Lesson 5) Don't say anything around your toddler you don't want repeated.

Lesson 6) If you decide to have more than one child and you discover your favorite golf club is broken, forget asking them which one did it. Believe me; you're never going to find out. A child will never confess. The CIA could not get a child to confess.

Finally; love every moment you have with your child or children. They grow up way too quickly and the memories you are making now are the ones which will carry you through when you become old and frail.