There is nothing more satisfying than being a pasty-skinned, freckle-faced redhead born in the beach-'shipping state of California. Right.

The Younger, Paler Years

The first billboard I remember clearly when I was little was this cute Coppertone baby with a gorgeous tan.

"Mom, why is that little girl so brown and I get so red?"

"Ummm...you don't have the pigment in your skin to make you turn brown."

"But sissy has it. You have it. Daddy's brown, too. Why not me?"

"That's pretty normal for redheads, dear. Say, that reminds me, let's go get you some sunscreen at Jemco. We're heading to the beach this weekend."

This is how I spent my younger years. I was always gooed-up with some sort of stinky by-product of a Crisco-like substance while the rest of my family smelled like coconuts. Delicious.

Ouch! This is Gonna Hurt

After my first serious sunburn (unexposed in the California sun for about an hour - 2nd degree burns), I resigned myself to a tan-less fate and gave in to it. It was the best decision of my life. My fair existence allowed me to create my infamous Redhead's Ultimate Shopping Guide to Hot Summer Fun at the Beach. Embrace your colorless destiny!

Shopping for the Beach, What Every Redhead is Wearing This Summer...And Every Summer For Life

Here are the most important highlights from the guide for your quick reference:

1. Go to your favorite clothing store and head to the swimsuit section. Pull off the rack the most beautiful, emerald green swimsuit. Buy it and give it to a friend who is able to tan. She will look fabulous.

2. Head over to the summer clothes rack. No, no, no. Put down the shorts! What you are looking for are cotton capri pants. Their length should hit you between your knee and your ankle. Perfect, buy them.

3. No tank tops. Ever. This part is a bit trickier because what you're looking for is a long-sleeved white cotton T-shirt. You may have to ask a salesperson where these might be located. They may not know. They may redirect you to the spaghetti-strap tanks. Do not give in.

4. Resist the flip-flops. Many redheads have forgotten to protect their feet only to have them singed in the sun. What you're looking for are espadrilles. They give you more coverage as a whole.

5. You're doing great and you're ready for the big finish. In the accessories section, you're going to pick out a nice floppy hat and UVA/UVB sunglasses. In the pharmacy section, you're going to want to get the commercial-sized sunscreen SPF 45+ and lip balm with sunscreen. Never forget to protect your thin-skinned lips. Trust me.

Beach Blanket Bingo is Good, Gambling With Your Skin's Health is Very Bad

Redheads, this guide will help you greatly. I know you are caught in a world full of tanning beds and spray-on-tans. Everyone is going tanning or has just finished tanning and they have the punch cards to prove it. Don't despair my fellow Victorian supermodels. Your attention to limited sun exposure is a long-term investment.

For you see, I just turned 43. My skin is unwrinkled and unblotchy. I do not have a leathery face. My smooth hands rival my daughter's hands. I think I am starting to see teeny-tiny crow's feet near my eyes, but that comes from smiling so much when I see a well-tanned 43-year old who looks 63. It's finally payback time!