Daron sat down, breathless, his chest heaving. His heart was pounding hard in his chest as he tried to draw a deep breath. He let it out slowly along with a choking sob. He put the back of his hand to his mouth, gasping for air. He grit his teeth to hold back the wave of emotion that was trying to unroll from him. He somehow managed to hold back the tide. Obviously the run hadn’t helped him release his emotion that he was so afraid to let show. As Daron’s heart rate slowed he gazed out at the old high school track and then up at the stands and memories of his last track meet bombarded his mind. It was his senior year and he was going against the only other kid in the district that could beat him. Even so, Daron was coolly confidant that he would win. Too confidant, he thought in retrospect. He had prayed that he would finish on top and he believed God would answer—simply because He always had. Looking back, Daron thought he was either really foolish or really wise. He chuckled at himself. Didn’t that sound just like his life right now? One huge paradox. Daron buried his head in his hands and let out a desperate sigh. A single tear hit the gravel at his feet. Where are you, Daron? A quiet voice said in his head. Was it his own voice? Or that still small voice that he hadn’t heard in years?

Daron was a mildly successful single guy of 30. He owned a small car detailing business and was a funny, well-liked individual. He never lacked socially and could have a date every day of the week if he wanted. Many people, especially his married friends, envied his life; his freedom. He laughed to himself again and shook his head sadly. “If they only knew how lonely I am.” In the last ten years he’d had no less than eight failed relationships. A few of those he even thought were the real deal; The One.

When Daron was 18 and the world was in front of him, he soared with hope and excitement. He had real goals and was set on meeting them and he had—almost all of them by age 22! At 22 he was engaged to a beautiful girl named Jenae, was the youth pastor of one of the fastest growing churches in town, and was so in love with Jesus that the world’s delights never fazed him. The pastor of the church treated Daron like his own son and they had an incredible relationship. Everything that Daron desired seemed to be just dropped into his lap, one right after the other and God was always there.

There was just one small struggle. Jenae. She was so beautiful and she loved God, Daron knew that she was going to make a great wife. They had been dating about a year when he asked Jenae to be his wife, she was 20 at the time. She accepted, but when they told her parents, her father insisted that they wait until she finished school before they got married. She had two years left. Daron reluctantly agreed. He and Jenae had always been careful to stay sexually pure in their relationship. For some reason, after the engagement, it was a lot harder to be careful.

One night the couple was kissing in Daron’s car after a movie and the making out went a little too far. When Daron took Janae home, they both agreed not to let it happen again. After that night Daron struggled to keep his thoughts pure and found himself constantly distracted with fantasies of him and Janae making love. He knew that if he and Janae were alone again that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. It killed him to think of waiting two more years to be with the woman he loved. Would it be two years of horrible struggles, messing up, and impure thoughts?

A couple of weeks later he and Janae slipped up again and went a lot further than the time before. Luckily she stopped it before it was too late. After Daron dropped her off that night, he wept the whole drive home. He prayed for God’s forgiveness and to help him resist until the wedding. He later thought that Janae’s father might agree to let them move the wedding up, but no her father would not budge on the issue.

As the months passed, Daron and Janae gave in to temptation over and over until one night, they didn’t stop. On the way home that night, Daron prayed as he had done many times before—but in his heart he knew that he would do it again. And they did do it again—many times. A few months later, he and Janae had a bitter brake up. What was once a wonderful relationship, became a mess of constant fighting. All real communication stopped. His ministry even suffered because of it. He was always so ashamed that he barely prayed and could only speak to the kids out of his own wisdom. All the power was gone. After the breakup, Daron told the pastor that he needed a month or so off to mourn the relationship and heal. The pastor understood and let him have the time. Daron went back to work after about six weeks of sitting around the house depressed and drained. He thought it would help to go back to work. Later, he tried to figure out why he even tried.

It was never the same. His relationship with God was a constant struggle which of course affected his work with the youth group. Some of the kids noticed the difference too and didn’t seem to be responding to him or his teaching positively. He struggled to pray and read the Word. He just didn’t want to admit to himself that he felt that he’d let God down. In his heart, Daron didn’t really believe it could be the same. Daron felt that he failed and thought God looked at him that way too. Soon, he stopped praying altogether and just started throwing himself into work, thinking maybe his feelings would change if he worked real hard. Daron struggled on his days off—his friends wanted him to hang out, but more often than not he would decline and stay by himself. His friends made him uncomfortable. They were all doing so well, they’d see that he was different. He didn’t want to be scrutinized, so he stayed home. He started spending a lot of time on the internet.

One day when he was checking his email, a pornography sight came up. He was about to delete it, but he paused and thought he’d have a quick look at one. One look wouldn’t hurt—besides a lot of the guys in the youth group struggled with this stuff, and he wanted to see what the big deal was. Daron clicked on the sight. Before he knew it, hours had gone by and he heard his roommate, Jon, coming in from work. He quickly got off the site. After that day it was so easy to go back—he couldn’t believe how easy. He stopped feeling guilty after 3 or 4 times and his roommate was never home long enough to suspect anything. Daron began to rush home after preaching a sermon on lust and get on his computer before he even ate. Soon it consumed his thoughts and he spent hours and hours on pornography websites.

Daron started dating a beautiful girl named Taylor from church. She was a new Christian and started coming to the services a few weeks before. She really seemed to think Daron had it together and was always asking him questions about the bible and doctrine. Daron gave her great answers. Sometimes her excitement about God made him a little uncomfortable—especially when she would tell him all the new things she was learning about the Lord and how wonderful Jesus was. Daron tried to act interested, but he was always so distracted by her beautiful body. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of her and his mind from wandering where it shouldn’t.   On every date, he found that he could convince her to go a little further physically.

One night, Taylor pushed him off her and looked at him sadly, “Don’t you feel this is wrong, Daron? Don’t you feel bad?”

Daron was numb. “No.” He answered honestly.

As the tears came to her eyes, she asked him to leave. Without a word, Daron left.

 

            A couple of weeks later, Daron’s roommate walked into his room while he was on the internet and Daron couldn’t get off the site fast enough. When Jon questioned him about it, Daron lied and said it was his first time on the site. Jon then asked him how he was doing emotionally and spiritually. Daron gave him short answers and appeared uninterested. Jon left the room reluctantly.

            When Daron came home from work the next day he found Jon in his room on his computer. As Daron entered, Jon turned around and looked at Daron with concern in his eyes.

“Daron, I was worried, so I checked your internet history. Bro, what’s going on with you? Do you need to talk?”

Daron erupted in anger and embarrassment, “Man, you have no right to invade my privacy! I suggest you get out of here now!”

Jon stood up with his hands in surrender, “Look, Daron, I wasn’t trying to invade your privacy, I just know you haven’t been yourself lately and I wanted to know why.”

“I’ll deal with my own problems, please leave.” Daron answered through clenched teeth.

“All right, man, just know that—“

“NOW!”

Jon sighed and left the room.

 

            Daron slumped down on his bed ashamed, and scared. He knew that he had to do something soon or things were going to get really ugly. He didn’t like who he was becoming, but he was so unsure of things; his calling, his faith, his job, and his relationships. Nothing seemed real or stable anymore. He didn’t know if he could go back and have the faith he once had, or if he even wanted to. After that night with Jon, Daron decided he was going to take a break from everything. He made an appointment with the pastor and resigned his position. He then told the youth group that he was taking some time off and asked them not to call him or ask any questions. He then stopped going to church there to avoid questions and rumors.

            Daron never actually planned to give up his faith—it just seemed to happen gradually as he got more comfortable hanging out at bars and night clubs, drinking and meeting beautiful women. It seemed natural, almost easy. Jon moved out very soon after Daron left the church. He said that he couldn’t watch a guy he loved and respected abandon God and all his values without getting involved. Daron wanted him to mind his own business, so he moved out. It didn’t matter, Daron soon found a new roommate. A guy he partied with was looking for a place to live. Jake was hilarious, easy going and had no church background. Daron found that he really enjoyed his new life and that it was easy leaving the old “church” life behind. At first some of his old friends tried to minister to him and steer him back on track, but he distanced himself from them and they gave up.

            It had been about eight years since he quit his youth pastoring job and left the church. This last breakup shattered whatever hopes he had left of getting married and starting a family. He was tired of the dating scene. Meaningless sex no longer excited him, neither did drinking or partying. Daron was burned out and empty. The ache in his soul was overwhelming at times. That’s when he came to the track to run. He had come to forget, but couldn’t stop remembering.

            It consumed him as he walked the track to cool down: the years of faithfulness and then the years of faithlessness; the passion and desire for righteousness, winning souls, ministering to kids, and overwhelming love of Christ; then the broken heart, the guilt and shame, disappointment, and years of trying to make it without God. Daron sat down on a bench tired and overwhelmed. Was there a way back? Then the tears came like a flood.

                                   

 

 

 

 

---Missing Person (Michael W. Smith)