SAN DIEGO, CA – In a freak mistake while attempting to tame a growing brush fire, California firefighters confused retards with retardants. Despite the money surplus created with the eradication, California officials apologized to the families of all those incinerated.

“Firefighting is a dangerous occupation and there will always be casualties,” said Fire Chief Brad Marshall. “We should be grateful that these young men and women put their lives on the line for our homes and loved ones. I can only tell you how much my heart goes out to the families of all those retarded people.”

Although nobody knows the exact time and conversation in which the two words were confused, the efficiency of the San Diego Fire Department will never be questioned. At roughly 9 a.m., Fire Chief Marshall issued an order to deliver a payload of anti-flammable materials to the wildfire threatening homes in El Cajon. Firefighters promptly dispersed throughout the San Diego metropolitan area, visiting roughly 40 homes of the mentally challenged.

Dan Walsh, group leader of ladder truck FDL-355, recalls his role and his team’s efficiency. “We arrived at the Encinitas nuthouse within twenty minutes of the initial order. We ran into some difficulty with the staff and several of my men were forced to detain a handful of employees. However, after ushering a sizable group into the lobby, we asked for volunteers, telling them to raise their hands. 18 of 28 were immediately psyched. Five of them could not verbalize any reason not to participate but we took their loud, repetitive gawking as extreme excitement and affirmation. If it had not been for Jim’s Jolly Ranchers, we may have had difficulty persuading the remaining three,” stated Walsh. “Sometimes God is just on your side.”

The retards were fastened to the truck ladder with rope, bungee chords, and a set of jumper cables. “We really were running short on space. The amputees used up most of the cables”. No injuries were apparent.

Following pick-up, all vehicles commissioned for collection were directed to either the Orange County Airport or the San Diego International Airport. At each hub, a Canadair CL-215 sat on the tarmac to be loaded. 17 retards were lost during the commute out of a total of 552. When interviewed about the loss, Marshall defended his firemen. “17 out of 550? What is that, 97% success? No business I’ve ever heard of functions at that level. And besides, our trucks aren’t equipped to handle so many retards, or anyone for that matter. We had limited rope and limited time. You try and fasten 56 people to the outside of a tanker truck and see how many fall off!” Tanker truck FDT-774 accounted for 6 of the total 17.

CL-215 out of San Diego, flight F911A, was filled within two hours of the initial order and was directed to drop its payload from 400 feet over the expanding brush fire. Following small setbacks due to air traffic, the versatile, amphibious aircraft was in the air by 11:32 a.m. Flight F911B, out of Orange County, had some minor problems.

“We had some trouble”, stated Crew Chief Donald Strief, accountable for refueling and refitting the CL-215. “A good number of trucks were rerouted to San Diego due to heavy traffic on the 5, so here at Orange County, we didn’t get as many retards as expected. We were aiming for at least 250, but only got about 160. We were very disappointed”.

To meet the flame-smothering expectations from Chief Marshall, F911B’s flight path was redirected over the ocean to top off the cargo hold with water.

F911A dropped its retards at 11:45 a.m., ten minutes after Chief Marshall preferred appointment. The retards brought average results. F911B was 25 minutes later, but seemed to have a greater effect. “I think it was the water soaked into their clothes or perhaps the bloating that added to the flame numbing effect,” explained Walsh, poking the carcass of deranged retard Joshua “moo-er” Sharp. “If this second group wouldn’t have drowned before being released, I’m sure they would have expressed the same screams and strange noises of accomplishment as the first group. Until they hit the ground, they just looked so happy.”

There were no survivors.

“I was shocked at the sight,” said Fire Chief Marshall in the wake of the 535 falling retards. “After the first few got stuck in those trees, I was afraid that this was going to be a total loss. It was the water in the 2nd plane that amplified the effect while the next load broke enough branches to get most of the bodies on the ground. I really am quite impressed with the hard work and determination demonstrated here today.”

The ramifications of this successful mistake are not entirely clear at this time. Layoffs at insane asylums and mental institutions plague the region while the freed tax dollars will be invested in more bungee chords and greater fire-truck capacity.

Twelve families have come forward expressing complaints.

When asked about the situation, Governor Schwarzenegger answered with a vision. “Today we have conquered nature and saved lives. You are SAFE! The homes of several hundred people were saved and as a state, we profited.” When asked about the retards, Schwarzenegger explained, “That is what you use on fire. Flame retards.”