Scoring One Night Stands: What Really Works, and Why

If you've clicked on this article, chances are, you're a straight guy who's interested in casual sex (or someone else who's just interested in seeing what I have to say, in which case, welcome). Maybe you've read other “expert guides” on this subject, probably written by men who lure you to read with a promise they can show you how to get “any woman, anywhere”...but give you nothing but tired, generic advice which falls short of the mark.

Perhaps it's time you read what a woman has to say on the subject?

Okay, then. The first and most important thing you have to realize is this: despite what anyone may tell you, there is no such thing as a magic, catch-all, always-works-with-any-woman-guaranteed trick out there. This is because, guess what, women (just like men) are individuals. We all want different things for different reasons and will respond to different stimuli in extremely different ways. Some of us may not want casual sex at all, while those of us who are looking for it will want different things in a potential partner.

But just because there's no universal trick that'll get you laid by any woman you meet (and really, wouldn't it be kind of scary if there was?), that doesn't mean there aren't certain useful things that every straight guy should know before diving into the fray. And although there's no advice I can give you that will assure that you will get sex, there are certain things you can say, do, and sometimes just understand, that can seriously improve your chances.

So let's start by taking a look at the whole idea of casual sex – or hell, sex in general – from the point of view of a woman. Guys often don't appreciate the fact that for us, the risk-to-reward ratio with sex is naturally stacked up in such a way as to make us a lot more reluctant than you. After all, we can get pregnant - you can't. We're more likely to contract sexually transmitted-infections from intercourse than you. And we're way, way more likely – especially where strangers are concerned - to end up in a bad situation where someone we've chosen as a partner turns out to be a violent predator or murderer.

When you stack all this up against the fact that generally, we tend to have lower sex drives and the fact that it's often harder for us to to find a partner we can have a sexually satisfying experience with anyway, you realize that reluctance to have casual sex or be picked up in a bar really does make quite a bit of logical sense.

But don't despair! Getting in our pants is still possible. Though many of us may conclude that casual sex just isn't worth it, some of the rest of us can still be found on the bar or party scene who are open to the possibilities. However, for any woman who's not insane or possessing of a serious disregard for her own well-being, there are going to be certain standards to be met. Essentially, we're waiting for (or actively seeking) the guy who can prove to us that he can sufficiently lower the “risk” side of things while significantly raising the bar on the “rewards” side. And if we don't meet him? We'll almost certainly just go home, no settling for the best available option.

We'll start with reducing the “risk” side of things. Since this is most likely going to be the first thing a woman considers when you make a first impression, it's important to be careful in how you handle introductions and those first few moments of conversation.

Two enormous deal-breakers at this time (for most of us) are guys who waltz into things with a sense of entitlement (usually indicated by bad pick-up lines and corny sexual innuendo) and guys who are obviously trying to get into our pants but are trying to pretend that they're not interested in anything of the sort.

Now perhaps this sounds paradoxical, but it's not, because there's a difference between acting like you want sex and acting like you feel like you have some right to walk up and demand it. Likewise, pretending that sex is the last thing on your mind when it's obviously the first is just insulting to our intelligence, not to mention it gives the impression that you think the best way to get laid is to trick us. Both of these approaches just scream, “creep.”

The best approach, therefore, is one where you are honest about the fact that you want to have sex, but are respectful of the fact that we don't owe you anything.

You may find that a direct approach has surprisingly good results. This probably goes against anything you've ever been taught, but I can honestly say that if I, personally, were partaking of the bar scene, I would respond very well to a guy coming up to me and saying, “Hi, I think you're cute. If we sat and chatted for a little while and hit it off, is there any chance you might be interested in some sex tonight?”

That is, of course, provided that I hadn't already heard him use that line on every other woman sitting within my earshot. Don't be stupid.

If the direct approach sounds a bit intimidating, you can still be honest about your intentions in a more subtle manner. If you're not going to come right out and say that you want sex, then just relax and assume that the woman you're talking to already knows that this is why you're approaching her – believe me, she almost certainly does – and find some reason to strike up a conversation.

Now, when it comes to this part, here's what you have to remember: if she can tell you're just going through the motions and “talking her up,” she's going to give you the cold shoulder. You need to have a genuine interest in at least a little light “getting to know you,” and frankly, that's not something you can fake. So talk to women you might actually have some interest in knowing personally, even if it's only on a very temporary basis. But if all you're looking for is a warm body to serve a cold function, you'll have to keep looking until you find a girl who's okay with that, and you'll be looking a long time.

If you're the sort of person who just has trouble striking up conversations, try something a little more quirky like a really out-there hypothetical question, something like, “Can I ask you a question? Okay, would you rather have Superman's powers, or a Jedi's?” (Especially good if you're seeking a girl who's in touch with her inner dork – and yes, we are fantastic in bed).

Just a few words on the subject of buying her drinks: I wouldn't. Personally, as a female, I hate having guys treat me unless we're in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) where I can regularly treat them back. It makes me feel like less of an equal, or like he's trying to put me in a position where I owe him something. So don't buy – after all, if you're not trying to get her to drink something, she'll see that you're obviously not trying to slip her a roofie. (Also, not buying women drinks will keep you from wasting your time on the ones who are just there to score free alcohol from guys who are just there to score.)

Once you've got her comfortably talking – by the way, to know if she' comfortable with you or not, check her body language; she should be turn her body towards you, not twisting away, and probably smiling – just enjoy the conversation for a while. At some point, though, you're going to have to start to “close the deal,” as it were, and this is where lowering the risk factor for her is, once again, extremely important.

You can broach the subject by saying something like, “So what do you think? Would you be interested in spending the night together?” If she says no, be respectful of her wishes, explain that you'd like to keep trying your luck elsewhere if that's all right, and thank her for the conversation.

But if she says “yes” or “maybe,” then now is the crucial time to establish yourself as someone safe to go home with/take home. Don't let a “yes” make you complacent as, of course, she has every right to retract it and change her mind if you do something that makes her uncomfortable.

The discussion of where to go can be a tricky one, as she faces risks whether she takes you into her home or goes to your place. I would suggest that you leave the decision up to her and what she's comfortable with, but don't stop there – give her a failsafe. Encourage her to call a trusted friend and give that person your name, address, cell phone number (show her some ID and let her test the phone number) and a time frame in which she will call them to say that everything's fine, or else send the police.

Sound like a mood killer? Well, they used to say the same thing about condoms, but we've since discovered that the more we acknowledge and deal with the risks associated with sex, the more of it we get to have, so do your part.

And speaking of condoms, it's good to have your own, but don't keep it in your pocket (it gives a sleazy impression, but more importantly, it can destroy the condom without you noticing any difference). Better to keep a box in your glove compartment, and mention it when the topic comes up.

And yes, you must use a condom. Remember what I said about STDs and pregnancy? Asking a woman to take that kind of risk on you during a one-night stand is downright scummy, so if you try to talk your way out of the condom, you'll have no one to blame but yourself when she's walking out the door at a less than opportune moment.

All right, so now that you know how to make a woman feel like sex with you won't be a danger to her well-being, in part 2 of this article, we'll talk about ways to make it worth her while. Stick around!